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i have found this very useful.

(13 Posts)
onlyjoking9329 Sun 07-Sep-08 21:58:26


Please talk about my loved one, even though he is gone. It is more
comforting to cry than to pretend that he never existed. I need to talk
about him, and I need to do it over and over.

Be patient with my agitation. Nothing feels secure in my world. Get
comfortable with my crying. Sadness hits me in waves, and I never know
when my tears may flow. Just sit with me in silence and hold my hand.

Don't abandon me with the excuse that you don't want to upset me. You
can't catch my grief. My world is painful, and when you are too afraid
to call me or visit or say anything, you isolate me at a time when I
most need to be cared about. If you don't know what to say, just come
over, give me a hug or touch my arm, and gently say, "I'm sorry." You
can even say, "I just don't know what to say, but I care, and want you
to know that."

Just because I look good does not mean that I feel good. Ask me how I
feel only if you really have time to find out.

I am not strong. I'm just numb. When you tell me I am strong, I feel
that you don't see me.

I will not recover. This is not a cold or the flu. I'm not sick. I'm
grieving and that's different. My grieving may only begin 6 months after
my loved one's death. Don't think that I will be over it in a year. For
I am not only grieving his death, but also the person I was when I was
with him, the life that we shared, the plans we had for watching our
children and grandchildren grow, the places we will never get to go together, and the
hopes and dreams that will never come true. My whole world has crumbled
and I will never be the same.

I will not always be grieving as intensely, but I will never forget my
loved one and rather than recover, I want to incorporate his life and
love into the rest of my life. He is a part of me and always will be,
and sometimes I will remember him with joy and other times with a tear.
Both are okay.

I don't have to accept the death. Yes, I have to understand that it has
happened and it is real, but there are some things in life that are just
not acceptable.

When you tell me what I should be doing, then I feel even more lost and
alone. I feel badly enough that my loved one is dead, so please don't
make it worse by telling me I'm not doing this right.

Please don't tell me I can find someone else or that I need to start
dating again. I'm not ready. And maybe I don't want to. And besides,
what makes you think people are replaceable? They aren't. Whoever comes
after will always be someone different.

I don't even understand what you mean when you say, "You've got to get
on with your life." My life is going on, I've been forced to take on
many new responsibilities and roles. It may not look the way you think
it should. This will take time and I will never be my old self again. So
please, just love me as I am today, and know that with your love and
support, the joy will slowly return to my life. But I will never forget
and there will always be times that I cry.

I need to know that you care about me. I need to feel your touch, your
hugs. I need you just to be with me, and I need to be with you. I need
to know you believe in me and in my ability to get through my grief in
my own way, and in my own time.

Please don't say, "Call me if you need anything." I'll never call you
because I have no idea what I need. Trying to figure out what you could
do for me takes more energy than I have. So, in advance, let me give you
some ideas:

(a) Bring food or a movie over to watch together.
(b) Send me a card on special holidays, his birthday, and the
anniversary of his death, and be sure to mention his name. You can't
make me cry. The tears are here and I will love you for giving me the
opportunity to shed them because someone cared enough about me to reach
out on this difficult day.
(c) Ask me more than once to join you at a movie or lunch or dinner. I
may so no at first or even for a while, but please don't give up on me
because somewhere down the line, I may be ready, and if you've given up
then I really will be alone.
(d) Understand how difficult it is for me to be surrounded by couples,
to walk into events alone, to go home alone, to feel out of place in the same situations where I used to feel so comfortable.

Please don't judge me now - or think that I'm behaving strangely.
Remember I'm grieving. I may even be in shock. I am afraid. I may feel
deep rage. I may even feel guilty. But above all, I hurt. I'm
experiencing a pain unlike any I've ever felt before and one that can't
be imagined by anyone who has not walked in my shoes.

Don't worry if you think I'm getting better and then suddenly I seem to
slip backward. Grief makes me behave this way at times. And please don't
tell me you know how I feel, or that it's time for me to get on with my
life. What I need now is time to grieve.

Most of all thank you for being my friend. Thank you for your patience.
Thank you for caring. Thank you for helping, for understanding. Thank
you for praying for me.

And remember in the days or years ahead, after your loss - when you need
me as I have needed you - I will understand. And then I will come and be
with you.

Twims Sun 07-Sep-08 22:08:41

Thank you for sharing that OJ

It's almost 3 years since my dad died and most of that is still pertinant to my life.

Hope you're ok?

Miaou Sun 07-Sep-08 22:31:01

Oj that's ... well I don't know, wonderful, great ... wrong words somehow. Poignant. Definitely one to remember. Thank you for sharing.

Tommy Sun 07-Sep-08 22:34:37

have heard that before and I thought it was really poignant too - glad it's helping you

dizzydixies Sun 07-Sep-08 22:37:56

glad something is helping and making sense somehow smile

its only been 5wks since mum died and I don't think I've even begun to process it, dd3 turning up a week later has been a great 'distraction' but only time will tell how long that will last

thinking of you and the kids

BoysAreLikeDogs Sun 07-Sep-08 22:53:51

[lump in throat]

SorenLorensen Mon 08-Sep-08 00:02:56

This is important and needs bumping. I'm glad you posted it, Oj - thank you.

onlyjoking9329 Mon 08-Sep-08 00:30:40

this is one i wrote in the very early days.


I have learnt to tell a lot of lies
Yet I have never lied before
From now until the day I die
I will be forced to lie some more.

Ask me how I am today
And because I can’t explain
I will tell a few more lies
cos I don’t want to feel the pain.

Ask me how I am coping
And I will tell you I’m alright
If that were really the truth
Then why do I cry each night.

Ask me how I manage the kids
Cos you seem to cope so well
That’s cos there is no choice you see
And I lack the strength to yell

Tell me to ring you if I need to talk
But I can’t phone or talk when I am in pain
So the thoughts and fears stay locked up
To rampage throu my head yet again

You see to protect you and myself I lie
We’re fine we’re well’ we’re coping
How can I even begin to tell you the truth
And tell you that my heart is unbelievably broken.

The truth hurts you see
it’s a pain most don’t want to bare
so I keep my lies I need to use them for now
until I know it is safe to share.

Tommy Mon 08-Sep-08 07:39:36

sad onlyjoking

I wish I knew you in RL - then I could try to help

solodad Mon 08-Sep-08 07:48:13


Both of those posts are spot on. I have seen something similar to the first one, and it is so right. As for your second one, Lies, you have hit the nail on the head.

Hang in there.


TheLastWord Mon 08-Sep-08 07:53:29

Thankyou for sharing OJ.

what powerful emotive words, it has made me stop and think and a bit tearful too.

it is so very kind of you to think of how you may help others when things must still be so very raw for you and the kids.
you are very talented and i hope you get some of your writing in print as i am sure it would help others going through the same sort of stuff.

i will be printing this off as i am sure one day it will be useful to me or someone i know.

thankyou again, i echo the rest of mumsnet when they say you are amazing, you are.


onlyjoking9329 Mon 08-Sep-08 09:34:40

The first one is from the merrywidows site, i have had it sent by email from WAY too, i think it is good cos it does make people stop and think, it makes me nod rather a lot.

DutchOma Mon 08-Sep-08 16:57:08

Thank you for sharing that OJ

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