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How do you turn it back when the funeral didn't go 'well'?

(8 Posts)
babyonboard Fri 22-Aug-08 16:16:20

I'm sorry if I don't make much sense, but it's hard to put it into words when it's all so raw.

We lost my grandad 3 months ago, an incredible man who was very much a father to me when mine was absent. His funeral service was incredible,
we all gathered at my nans house, and people followed the procession, The church was so full that people were standing at the back and outside.

We sang his favourite songs, and a tape of him singing. The whole service was really lovely and personal.

We then went to 'his local' where countless people we'd never even seen got up and talked about him fondly.

My nan was really poorly herself and we knew she had to be looked after ever more when he passed. My mum and aunt took time of work to be with her. Then she had a fall at home and was taken to hospital, she never came back home. She died 33 days after my grandad.

There was a hideous sense of deja vu, no one could quite believe it.

We used the same funeral service, the service was at the same church, the same flowers etc.
Everyone was in such a sense of shock we just wanted to deal with the formalities iyswim.

Her funeral just wasn't that personal, we had a beautiful photo of her on the coffin, but other than that it really seemed like 'going through the motions'.

My family now feel we haven't given her the send off she deserved. It's a horrid time, everyone is still grieving and in still in shock really it's a cruel world that takes two much loved people so fast.

BoysAreLikeDogs Fri 22-Aug-08 16:17:39

Baby, I am so sorry for your losses.

AmIWhatAndWhy Fri 22-Aug-08 16:19:26

Thanks, I just realised I'd signed in with my old old name.

BecauseImWorthIt Fri 22-Aug-08 16:20:17

So sorry - to lose them both so soon is cruel.

Why don't you arrange for a memorial service for your nan, in another 6 months or so?

ArrietyClock Fri 22-Aug-08 16:21:49

I'm sorry you have lost them both. So sad for you.

I'm not sure there are rights and wrongs where funerals are concerned. Mostly I think they need to be done in such a way that they help the family to grieve and to put things into some kind of order. If you feel something was missing, why don't you and your family think of something 'extra' to do? I don't know what. Plant a tree? Sponser a child in another country in her name? Something to remember her by which will also help your and your family.

Sobernow Fri 22-Aug-08 16:22:05

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AmIWhatAndWhy Fri 22-Aug-08 16:22:39

The thing that kills me the hardest is that my nan insisted his ashes be spread on the garden of remembrace in their town, she said she didn't want a grave or plaque to weep at, which would then get mossed over/ destroyed, she said he was always with us.

They spread his ashes the day before she passed, we wish we could have spread them together.

AmIWhatAndWhy Fri 22-Aug-08 16:32:10

My Aunt has suggested something with I think could be lovely.

My grandad asked for donations to mac nurses instead of flowers and we raised an incredible amount of money.

My nan never talked about it, but in her will she has set aside a huge donation to air ambulance services. She lost my uncle as a teenager in a traffic accident and he was taken to hospital by the local team, they almost saved him.

she is thinking about doing a fundraising night for both causes in the local pub, where everyone knew them. It would be lovely for our family and friends too to all get together and celebrate their lives.

It's sad but how life goes I guess that I only ever see some of my family at weddings/deaths.

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