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how long before it stops hurting? Lost my dad 4 weeks ago

(11 Posts)
drivinmecrazy Wed 20-Aug-08 01:48:40

Just as i start to feel strong, my 7yo DD1 wakes up in floods of tears saying she misses her RG (Grandads nickname). She says she wants to see him one last time. DH works away all week so no one to help me settle and reassure her when I miss him too. We just end up in floods of tears together. This is better than the first few weeks when she didn't react at all. She was sooo close to him, as was I, but we weren't there when he died.
He has had cancer for 4 1/2 years, but was suddenly bedriden 6 weeks before he died. We Were in spain looking after his dog!?!? It was what he wanted. he didn't want girls to see him fade away, so I missed the end too. We only live next door so I suppose it would have really affected them in a bad way.
What really upsets me is that he has 'visited' DD1 and my Mum but not me. But he told my Mum the other night it was time for him to go, so now I feel I will never get the experience they have had.
Now I am left with DD1 who won't sleep in her own bed and broken sleep.
When will things ever get back to normal? When will i ever stop trying to picture his last moments??

forevercleaning Wed 20-Aug-08 06:48:59

oh i'm so sorry to hear about your dad and the grief you are all suffering. sad sad

I have no personal experience of losing a parent, but couldn't let this post go unanswered.

I hope that someone comes along soon who will be experienced enough to give you some much needed support. xxx

stepfordwife Wed 20-Aug-08 08:03:18

oh sweetheart, i'm so sorry about your dad - he sounds a lovely person.

it's such early days yet and i know right now you can't ever imagine that raw pain fading. but, give it time, and it will. you'll never 'get over it' but your grief and, more importantly, memories of your dad and what he gave to you/how he brought you up will become part of your life.

my dad died nearly 10 years ago from cancer and, in some ways, it still feels like yesterday. i can really relate to you wanting to 'see' him. me and my sister used to will him to 'visit' us. although my mum once said she felt his presence.

thing is, drivingmecrazy, although we long to just see them "just once more' if that could happen, you'd just want to see them again and again.

i can't give you a time limit when you start hurting less..but that pain is the price of love, isn't it? you're hurting so much because you miss him so much. but, as i said before, that raw pain that feels lie a hard, physical lump in your heart; that agony of waking up each day and it hitting you all over again will fade.

it's lovely that your daughter was so close to him (after dad dying my greatest sadness is he never saw my children, but did hang on for my nephew to be born. he would have been a lovely grandad)

yes, it's hard comforting dd because part of you feels like a child herself who's lost her dad.

it's not the same, i know, but he'll always be part of your family and guiding you - because you can think what he would have advised you/what he would have said/you'll still talk about him and share memories with your family. and you and your daughter are part of him.

you do eventually stop trying to picture his final moments (and it's a comfort he died how he wanted). again i can't put a time limit on it because everyone's different.
but eventually trying to picture his last moments and what he looked like while he was ill, are replaced by memories of when he was well. (often you have dreams, too)

one day, i promise, when you think of him the smiles will come before the tears.
thinking of you

dizzydance Wed 20-Aug-08 14:41:05

I am so sorry about your dad. I lost my dad 6 months ago to cancer and I so know what you mean when you say you just want to see him one more time.

M friend is currently going through the same thing as I was. Her dad is bedridden and she knows it is only a matter of weeks. She asks me how I cope - how on earth do you get through it?

All I know is the raw aching pain has eased a little now although I still yearn to see him and sometimes think it has been a bad dream and it hasn't really happened. my brother has been to a medium and the things she said was so uncanny and she said my dad was there but I don't feel ready to face that yet. Like you my dh works away, he was away when dad died, and it is hard when you are alone. My ds are older than yours, they are 12 and 14. They both came to the funeral and I was really proud.

I don't picture dads last moments so much now. I wasn't there when he passed. Mum was but I got there half hour later. He suffered so much in his last few days I can't bear to think of it. I try to rember our happy times although I still go to ring him up sometimes. Christmas is one thing I am dreading as dh will be away then. I am just trying to support my mum, she is only 61, dad was 63.

It does get slightly easier as time goes on, although I get scared I will forget him, although I know I won't.
I do smile now when I thinks of him and I count myself lucky I had him.
Stepfordwife yours was a lovely post and everything you said makes perfect sense.
Drivinmecrazy, My sympathies are with you and it will get better for you and your dd as time goes on. 4 weeks is such as short time. The pain will ease a little soon. He will always be your dad and dds grandad. Take care XX

TheMadHouse Wed 20-Aug-08 14:56:25

I lost my dad 8 years ago and still miss him like crazy.

I didnt have any children at the times, so do not know how you can comfort your DD1.

But the pain does change. Rather than hurt all the time, I often have moments, when I really need my dad or want to tell him something or so him my two boys. Then it is often a letdown or sharp type of pain I feel.

Time does make things easier and different.

I never had the chance to say goodbye to my dad, as he was injured in an industial incident and spend 3 weeks on a ventolator sedated and then died from complications. That still hurts, but I know that he would be proud of my sons and also I see him in them IYKWIM and rather than feel sad about that I can smile.

stepfordwife Wed 20-Aug-08 15:07:48

thankyou dizzydance - and i'm so sorry for your loss too - and yours the madhouse

ikwym about fearing you'll forget your dad, dizzydance. i used to think that, then I thought: how can i? it's impossible. i don't have to actively try to remember him because he's part of me, both genetically and emotionally (we're very similar personalities too (bit of a soft touch but stubborn as hell with it!)

also, like the madhouse said, you see him in your children.

how you doing today drivinmecrazy? do post if it helps, if you don't feel like it, we're all thinking of you and know how you're feeling.

dizzydance Wed 20-Aug-08 15:13:44

Thanks stepfordwife. I suppose I know deep down I won't forget him. He loved his music and so many songs remind me of him. He had such a sense of humour and his family was his life. We all talk about him all the time.
Am now off to see my mum, we try to keep her busy!
Drivinmecrazy, hope you and dd are ok today. Will be thinking of you.

feedmenow Wed 20-Aug-08 15:13:56

Drivenmecrazy, so sorry your dad died, I really am. I haven't lost a parent so don't know how that must be, but I know about grieving with a child through death.

My ds (6) keeps himself to himself more and only really gets upset when he is overtired.

However, my dd1 (9) will regularly start crying when I tuck her in bed at night and will set me off, and we both sit there talking and crying and hugging. I always try and remember in happy, good ways to try and give her a positive take on things IYSWIM? We also have a number of death books including Michael Rosen's "Sad" which, although I bought for the childrem, I read to and take a little comfort from.

As for the visits, it must be hard to know he has been to others and not you. Perhaps he still will, when both you and he are "ready". Or maybe he does but you just don't know it. I have been told before that my nan visits me when I am asleep and sits at the end of my bed. If she does, I don't know anything about it but it does give me some comfort to think that she comes.

Thinking of you..... x

Jux Wed 20-Aug-08 15:24:55

I'm so sorry about your dad.

Mine died nearly 20years ago and we were expecting it. I went into numb-space almost immediately and stayed there for nearly 6 months when I found myself crying uncontrollably on a bus home from work. It was 18m before I stopped expecting to see him in his armchair when I turned up at their place. I missed him dreadfully for a long time and still wish he was around. I'm not sure how long it was before it stopped hurting, but it did and it will for you too. I spent a lot of the time avoiding remembering the last few months when his cancer had turned him into a sort of child, with no dignity. I didn't want to remember him like that and he wouldn't have wanted me to. That bit still hurts sometimes as he simply wasn't himself and I hate the fact that he was made into someone so at odds with who he really was; but mostly I am just tremendously grateful that he was my dad and feel incredibly lucky.

Missytrouble Wed 20-Aug-08 21:36:34

I'm really sorry about your dad.

4 weeks is such a short space of time for you and your dd. I lost both my parents within 18 months of each other. I lost my dad 2 years ago and I still miss him all the time. But the pain has eased and now I can think of him without crying every time.

It will get easier, it takes time. The good days will outweigh the bad days in time.

Take care. Sending you hugs. xx

rachels103 Tue 16-Sep-08 21:43:54

I'm so sorry about your dad.
I lost my dad in May, very suddenly with no warning.
I still keep having to tell myself that it's really happened.
All I can say is a few more weeks down the line from you I have had some happy times - we had a camping holiday away from everything where we managed to have a lot of fun and think of dad with a smile whilst using his army mess tins to cook sausages.smile
However we're still having some tough times too. People tell me it takes about a year to settle. I kind of want to fast forward that time but at the same time I want to keep him close, IYSWIM.
Sorry, I've probably been no comfort, but I find it helpful to know other people are in the same position so I hope you do too.
I hope things start to get easier for you soon.

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