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Fell pregnant 2 weeks after loosing my Mum....

(11 Posts)
mollymonk Tue 12-Aug-08 20:02:37

Hello - I?m new to Mum?s net so hope this is ok.
I was just wondering if anyone else has been through anything similar? I lost my lovely Mum in late November last year when she died very suddenly. I found out two weeks later that I was expecting my first baby (and her first grandchild).
I?m not too sure how I have got through the last 8 months as I was so close to my Mum, but somehow I find myself in the last stages of the pregnancy (37 weeks).
I think I have coped quite well so far by keeping myself busy, but now the birth is looming I can?t help but think how sad it is that she just missed out on being a grandmother. I know I should be really happy that I am about to become a mum, but I feel so lost without my Mum to help me.

I shouldn?t feel too sorry for myself as I have a very supportive hubby and family, but my Mum would have been such a big part of this and it seems so unfair that she will miss it all

Has anyone else been though anything similar and do you have any tips for coping with all these conflicting feelings (happiness and sadness in equal measure).

RedHead81 Tue 12-Aug-08 20:27:14

My nan brought me up, not my mum, so to me, my nan was my mum really. she died when i was only 17 of cancer, i got pregnant with my first an her fisrt great grandchild when i was 23 - bigger gap - but it was hard knowing that if she was alive she would have loved every second. What was harder for me was questions about what she did when she was having her children. how she fed them, what her feelings were etc... etc...

I know that my nan hasn't missed out on her great grandchildren (I now have 2) because i believe that she is with me every day. even though DS never knew her, i talk about her to him and show him photos (DS2 is only 3mths old - so too young yet).

It is sad and you will think of her often, but know that she is with you in your heart and you will cope.

congratulations by the way on your pregnancy and good luck with the birth - I'm sure your mum will be looking down at you, supporting you through it all.

My love, hugs and best wishes to you.

lilyloo Tue 12-Aug-08 20:34:32

I had avery similair experience too molly.
Mu mum died in The July and i got pg 8 weeks after.
When ds was born it was probably easier than being pg as i was so busy i had less time to think about it.
Obviously it was sad but it's also a happy time too. I guess you have to enjoy the happy memories after as best you can.
I missed her a lot and still do after 3 dc's and what she has missed out on never knowing her grandchildren.
I also miss being able to ask her things about kids and her help she would have given me.
But you do cope and it's helped me lot's to talk of my mum to the dc's and they call her nana -name and we have pics of her and they come to the cemetry with me.
I had a fab health visitor too who i talked to and my nan has been a lifeline trying to gill in where my mum isn't. The dc's call her nan too!

Congrats by the way and best of luck , you will get through it , we do don't we ?

fizzbuzz Tue 12-Aug-08 20:37:35

My mum dies when I was 28 weeks pregnant. My FIL died when my SIL had just found out she was pregnant and had not had time to tell him.

I am really sorry about your Mum. It is a time, I think when perhaps you need your mum more than normal to share the experience of mothering. I think what you are feeling is quite quite normal, that feeling of being cheated (for you and your mum).

I actually think you should feel sorry for yuorself, that is what grief is about. Support from other people can help, but don't take the feelings away.

When my dd was born i found tnat conflcting emotions (like joy and grief) can run parallel to each other quite easily. Bit like a roller coaster, buy manageable.

Try to concentrate on what your mum would have wanted for you. She ould probably have been thrilled, so try and hold onto that.

2 year on, I know my mum can see my dd and knows all about her.

What comforted me a bit, was my hv telling me quite a lot of people lost a parent during pregnancy, so you are not alone

HTH xxx


RubyRioja Tue 12-Aug-08 20:39:12

Some similarities. I lost my dad when just pregnant and my mum when 37 weeks pg.

All I can think of is not to bottle things up. You will no doubt grieve as well as celebreate. I cried whenever and whereever. I told my midwives as I was concerned that I might develop PND with so much going on.

However, I think talking (endlessly I am sure) and letting out the emotions really helped and I was fine - well as fine as it was possible to be.

I took some comfort from spotting similarities from my dd and my parents.

But very many congrats on your baby and well done on finding MN a gret help

fizzbuzz Tue 12-Aug-08 20:39:13

God...all those typos...sorry blush

DaisyBuchanon Tue 12-Aug-08 20:49:19

My Mum died when I was 16 and I had my oldest at 21, so a longish gap but I still found it hard. It's not the practical stuff and help you miss as much as the wanting to share things. And if your child looks like your mother it will be wonderful and heartbreaking at the same time.

You have lots and lots of sympathy here - it is hard, and it might become harder but there will be some of your mother's DNA kicking around in your baby somewhere, so she will be living on in that sense. And one day you will hear yourself sounding exactly like your mother and realise that actually she's still around everywhere . Good luck with the birth.

MotherElk Tue 12-Aug-08 20:50:32

Hi Mollymonk
Am so sorry for your loss.
I lost my dad when I was 11 wks pregnant, a day after my dating scan - he'd only known he was going to be a grandad for 10 days.
Now my DD is nearly 6 months old - she's utterly beautiful and has been a great joy for us all - but it's been incredibly hard as well. as you say, it's hard knowing that he just missed out on being a grandad, and to be honest, he would have LOVED her so much that every time I think about it I cry, and so does my mum.
All I can say is - no, you aren't alone, yes you should be sad and allow yourself to grieve, and try to enjoy your pregnancy as much as you can. This little life inside you is a reminder of the circle of life, and your mum will never be forgotten to your babe.
Do bear in mind what RubyRioja says about PND - you need to take great care of yourself in the first few weeks.
And can you remember your mum somehow through your new baby? My daughter's middle name is my father's name - somehow it works!!
Look after yourself and I hope MN is of help to you

fizzbuzz Tue 12-Aug-08 20:57:29

Yes, I thik PND is something to keep an eye on.

As MotherElk said "The circle of Life" is so so true.

When we were sorting out the service for my mum, the priest said to me "The Lord gives and he takes away" I am not at all religious, but I actually took comfort from that...again it is the circle of life

mollymonk Tue 12-Aug-08 21:17:20

Thank you all so much for your messages. I never thought to join something like MN, but it really does help to know your not the only one to have gone through this or something similar.

I think I have bottled my feelings up to a certain extent, after all, its not the type of problem which has a solution. But, I think it will be a great help to chat on these forums from time to time.

Thank you all so much

Evenstar Wed 13-Aug-08 19:51:12

My father in law died 1 month to the day before my eldest DS was born, it was a great sadness to my DH. My stepfather died 3 weeks before DD was born and 3 weeks before DS2 was born a favourite aunt died. It gave me great comfort when a lady said to me after FIL died "He will be looking down darling and he will see the baby", he had cancer and everyone had thought he would hold on until the baby arrived. I do hope that it might give you comfort that your mum will look down and see baby. I would second what others have said about PND, a friend of mine who had lost her mother did have a very difficult time, but she found Home Start very good and they sent a very "motherly" lady round to visit her regularly. Look after yourself and make sure all those around you give you the support you need, all the best for the birth.

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