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I need a bereavement buddy - but in RL not on MN. Any ideas where I could get some help with dealing with my Dad's death?

(24 Posts)
Imoogi Sat 09-Aug-08 00:07:32

My Dad died a month ago, and I'm really struggling. There are complicated family circumstances which make it all very hard; and of course ATM my kids are off school, so I can't just be ineffective all day. I get very panicky about not getting anything done.

My dh is supportive but is at work all day. I just wondered if anyone can recommend a support scheme. My fantasy would be to have a befriender/buddy person to chat to about what's going on, or a group. There is no family member who can do it. Because it's a bit of a complicated situation, it's beyond the vicar.

I know everyone on MN would help if they could, but there's something in me that wants a physically there person to support me.

onlyjoking9329 Sat 09-Aug-08 00:10:30

there should be something available but i don't know what, i have a couple of groups that i am on but i am recently widowed so those groups are not suitable for you.
bereavement coucellors?

LackaDAISYcal Sat 09-Aug-08 00:15:06

sorry for your loss sad

maybe cruse can help?

or if you ask your GP he will be able to out you in touch with some local services.

how are you doing oj?

onlyjoking9329 Sat 09-Aug-08 00:16:23

whoops sorry, meant to say sorry to hear about your dad, do you want to tell us about him?

KristinaM Sat 09-Aug-08 00:16:45

try cruse bereavement care

sorry about your loss sad

Imoogi Sat 09-Aug-08 00:17:18

Thanks, OJ. Glad you are finding support from groups - I am a great believer in them, altough ATM I suppose what I secretly want is, not surprisingly, a parent figure to hug me. I'm not sure a counsellor is quite it. Thank you for responding; I have followed your threads and can only admire your strength and stamina.

KristinaM Sat 09-Aug-08 00:17:26

sorry x posted blush

Imoogi Sat 09-Aug-08 00:25:47

Thanks, I think I'll ring Cruse. Anyone got direct experience of them?

I can't really start talking about Dad without crying, it's all still very raw. I would like to focus on him, but life presses on, doesn't it? We had a year in which we knew he was dying, of cancer. So on a practical level, as soon as the nursing and care was over, it felt like I was buried under an avalanche of things that had to be done which had been on hold. Yet, as I say, I feel like I would just like to mourn.

onlyjoking9329 Sat 09-Aug-08 00:25:51

cruise is a good idea.
maybe a counsellor is not what you need, our mac nurse is fab and she does hugs, there must be something but i don't know what

Evenstar Sat 09-Aug-08 00:25:52

You could try Home Start if you have a child under 5, A friend of mine found having her first child raised a lot of issues surrounding the death of her mother some years previously, and was allocated a lovely lady who came in and helped her. She was very kind and "motherly" was this the kind of thing you were looking for? My friend was referred by her health visitor.

onlyjoking9329 Sat 09-Aug-08 00:28:04

thats the difficulty you spend so much time being a carer then you lose them and you lose that role as well as everything else, if you had a Mac nurse they will be able to help

Imoogi Sat 09-Aug-08 00:28:47

Thanks, mine are too old for Home Start, but good idea anyway.

OJ, is your Macmillan nurse carrying on supporting you? I thought they just helped pre-bereavement, but Dad's has rung me a couple of times. I have to say my response was a bit, 'Why are you ringing? I don't need to get a ripple mattress any more!'

Imoogi Sat 09-Aug-08 00:30:56

(As you can probably tell, I was a bit upset we didn't get a ripple mattress in time.)

twoGsinBuggerOff Sat 09-Aug-08 00:35:25

oh imoogi, i dont have anything useful to say, but i wanted to say how sorry i am for your loss.
my dad had a heart scare recently and it shook me to the core. i cant imagine how i would cope if i lost my dad, my heart goes out to you.
hope you find the support/hugs you seek. x

Imoogi Sat 09-Aug-08 00:38:52

Thank you. I know my Dad would hug me if he could. Actually my dd is very good at hugs - I nearly cry every time she gives me one - but of course I am careful not to burden her or make her feel she has to look after me (too much). It is actually a great temptation to lean too much on her.

twoGsinBuggerOff Sat 09-Aug-08 00:45:32

yes i imagine it is.

weh i got the phonecall about my dad i tried to hold it together. my 5yo came and found me on the stairs and gave me the tenderest, most loving and delicate hug ever. i wanted to hold him there forever...

MotherElk Sat 09-Aug-08 07:15:29

Hi Imoogi
I just wanted to add my support. I lost my Dad very suddenly last July, 8 weeks after my wedding and 10 weeks into my pregnancy. Now my DD is here and she's just gorgeous but i still find it very hard looking at her and thinking how much my Dad would have LOVED to have met her, even just once.
It's all very well saying that time is a great healer but it's hard when it's you doing the time isn't it? I hope you get the help you need, and perhaps some small comfort that you are not alone in your plight.
Please remember it's only been a month - you don't need to run before you can walk - small steps lessen the panic

onlyjoking9329 Sat 09-Aug-08 09:30:23

yes we still have our mac nurse, she's been with us since sept. Can you talkto your mac nurse cos she might be able to help or know where to find help.
4 weeks is still so very very early, I think I was still in shock and running in safe mode, do you have other family that you can share thoughts feelings and memories with?
So often people think it is best not to mention the person who has died cos they think it might upset us, I need to talk about Steve he hasn't stopped being my soulmate / husband because he died. If you don't have family to talk about your dad with can you talk toyour dads mates?

Imoogi Sat 09-Aug-08 09:54:46

Thank you MotherElk and OJ. It is helpful to be reminded that it's very early days. After the year when everything was sacrificed to Dad's care, I feel under pressure to catch up with all the things which were put on hold; but I think I have to relax a bit. I would certainly like to spend lots of time thinking/talking about my Dad.

OJ, I think your experience has made you very wise smile

MotherElk, I feel that about my Mum who died long before I even got married let alone had my lovely kids. She would have adored them.

onlyjoking9329 Mon 11-Aug-08 20:39:04

how are you doing? did you find anything useful?

Imoogi Tue 12-Aug-08 06:03:40

Yes, thanks, OJ, I've asked Dad's Macmillan nurse to refer me to a bereavement group at a hospice local to me. I just hope they will take me! I mean, since my Dad wasn't actually a patient of theirs. The hospice involved in Dad's care is too far away from me.

I have been thinking that I might also start the occasional MN thread along the lines of 'Two months on from a bereavement'/'Three months on'/etc, because I have found these thoughts very helpful. And as ever with MN, so helpful to get my own thoughts articulated. And isn't it strange to read your own words back, even just a few days later? Quite a memorial to our loved ones in themselves, in a way.

Also, when I can't sleep, there's b*gger all else to do...grin

onlyjoking9329 Tue 12-Aug-08 09:13:38

glad you have found a group, I have started writing poetry again and it helps me to get some of the tangled thoughts out and onto paper thou when I read stuff back it doesn't feel like they are my words which is odd.
MN has been like a journal for me, it is one year this week since we were told steve cancer was terminal, it seems such a long time ago now.
Feel free to email me if you think it would help.

Imoogi Tue 12-Aug-08 18:13:21

Oh dear, OJ, that made me cry. That is how I feel about my words on MN when I read them back. I keep meaning to write 'morning pages' (actually no pun intended) - a kind of carthartic jotting process - as recommended in The Artists' Way, but never seem to grab the time. I suppose 4.30am would be a good time to do it! But I think MN serves much the same purpose.

onlyjoking9329 Tue 12-Aug-08 18:27:28

our Mac nurse says writing is good and she is of course very wise, she says just write stuff down it may not make any sense and you can throw it in the bin afterwards if you like. it is a rollercoaster ride and not one we sign up to either.

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