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I dont need answers, just a space to let out some emotions. Thanks.

(28 Posts)
DanJARMouse Wed 06-Aug-08 19:13:14

Mum,

Its 4yrs tomorrow since you left us, and although things should be getting easier, to be honest, they are getting harder.

I now have 3 children, when you left Jessica, your first granchild was just 2 weeks old - she is now such a big 4yr old, very very clever and so sweet. Dad says she is very like me as a little girl!

Then Rebecca, well she will be 3 this year, time flies! She is still the spitting image of you, the red hair that forever gets comments, the temper to match! Is very insistent on being a big girl like Jessica and so drives me to distraction some days!

Then our latest addition, Daniel. What a little treasure he is. Finally got my boy! He is 8mnths old now and so funny, very like his daddy, and again, I think he will have the red hair. My little character, but so laid back.... apparently like my brother!

I always think of you mum, you are never far from my mind. I just have to look at the children to see you live on through them. I am trying, slowly, to get a memory book together to show the children later on. The girls already know you are Grandma and you live in Heaven, they cna point you out in a photograph with no problems.

This anniversary is especially hard for me as it is the first year I am having to face it on my own. Dad and brother are both away on camp at the moment, so its just me, Dave and the children. Am looking forward to them being home on Saturday so I can get a much needed hug from Dad. You would be so proud of the way he is coping mum, yes he's had his wobbles, but he is coming out the other side now and keeps that sense of humour throughout.

I know Im a daddy's girl, and always have been, but I loved you more than you ever could have known. I feel guilty for not saying a proper goodbye when I went out the night you died, and for not wanting to say goodbye in the hospital or chapel of rest. These are decisions I perhaps now regret and will have to live with for the rest of my life.

Overall, I just want to say I love you, I miss you and I really hope you are at peace and can finally be proud of me.

All my love

Me xxx

bubblagirl Wed 06-Aug-08 19:16:19

oh honey didnt want to leave it unanswered that letter is beautiful and i hope you found some comfort in writing it

maybe you could take the children and tie some messages to some balloons and all let one go

big hugs to you xx

nobodysfool Wed 06-Aug-08 19:18:38

xxxxxxx

kormachameleon Wed 06-Aug-08 19:21:03

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

yousaidit Wed 06-Aug-08 19:24:24

I'm sure your mum's always been proud f you, and don't worry about when or where you didn't say your goodbyes: your letter shows your mum's always n your heart and what better memory could that be?xxxx

Collision Wed 06-Aug-08 19:30:30

it brought tears to my eyes! Such a lovely letter and so sad that she never met Rebecca or Daniel.

Hope you are OK. Was her death very sudden?

PillockOfTheCommunity Wed 06-Aug-08 19:49:44

oh sweetie, am thinking of you x

DanJARMouse Wed 06-Aug-08 19:50:09

yes it was. Totally unexpected. I went out for the night to show off my new baby, got a phone call to come home, and I never saw her again.

morningpaper Wed 06-Aug-08 20:20:51

oh JARM I saw your Facebook status and came here to see what was the matter

We all love you lots you know

Your letter is so moving

xxx

moondog Wed 06-Aug-08 20:22:24

You'veoftenmentioned your mother so we know howmuch she means to you. You are so lovely, she will be looking down so proud of you.

WideWebWitch Wed 06-Aug-08 20:24:48

JARM it is utterly shit losing a loved parent. Sympathy. My dad met ds, who was 3 when he died, but didn't meet dd, who is nearly 5 now or his other 3 grandchildren (also nearly 5, 3 and 6 months old, all my sisters' children). It is sad, I know. I dream about my dad often.

dizzydixies Wed 06-Aug-08 20:27:33

Jarm am so sorry for your loss, I hope you've found some kind of comfort in your post.

I just lost my mum on 23rd July and had dd3 on the 31st, it tears me apart that she'll never meet her but like you, I'll make sure dd3, and dd2 who won't remember her, will know all about their gran and what a special lady she was

Califrau Wed 06-Aug-08 20:46:21

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Piffle Wed 06-Aug-08 20:53:17

very moving d jarm x x
I lost my dad in 1991 and often tell him about why I miss him and how my youngest brother resembles him so much it makes me cry.

I'm sorry you're feeling sad djarm takes so long to get over these losses
Much love x x

Thelighthousekeeper Wed 06-Aug-08 21:55:52

Thinking of you. xxxx

ByTheSea Wed 06-Aug-08 22:01:13

I'm all choked up reading this and am sorry for your loss. My dad died shortly before he was due to meet DD1, now 9, when she was four months old. DD2-6 is named for him and is a lot like him. Time is a great healer but it is wonderful for our loved ones to live on in our memories. I'm sure your mum would be so proud of you.

Slouchy Wed 06-Aug-08 22:01:32

DJARM, that is a lovely letter. It helps to write it down sometimes, doesn't it?

We spoke about some counselling a a while ago - I said how much it had helped me get over my Mum's death, and suggested it might do the same for you. I think you were going to talk to the GP about it? Is there any progress there sweetie?

Thinking of you all. And I'm sure your Mum is incredibly proud of you X

DanJARMouse Thu 07-Aug-08 08:03:29

thanks all.

Slouchy - its a no go really. My GP is so pants. Just wanted to put me on AD's which I am not prepared to do.

The day is here and so far I feel not too bad. Cried a lot last night though.

My gran (mums mum) sent a parcel down for the children that arrived this morning - for no particular reason, which was really nice.

Just waiting until a reasonable time so I can phone dad.

DanJARMouse Thu 07-Aug-08 10:27:20

Dad phoned me.

He seems ok, a little quiet, but thats understandable.

Apparently big bro is a bit quiet but thats just his way.

Life is just so fucking unfair. Mum was 48 ffs, what sort of age is that to die. She has missed out on seeing 2 of her grandchildren, and actually watching all 3 of them grow up.

I shouldnt be trying to be a good mum without the imput from my own mum, im only 25. I was only 21 when she died, i still class that as a child now I have my own! (ok i was married but still!)

I dont really know what all this shit is im waffling on about, but believe me its helping. I am trying hard to hold it together in front of the kids, so this is my outlet pipe so to speak.

FUCKING LIFE.

TheDevilWearsPrimark Thu 07-Aug-08 10:39:25

Oh JARM what a lovely letter. Sorry to hear you are so sad today. I recently lost both my grandparents within a month and it is just really unfair.

to quote OnlyJoking 'life is just poo'

A friend said to me that you never get over a loss, only learn to live with it.

Our family tell a lot of lies,
We never did before.
But from now until the day we die,
We'll tell a whole lot more.

Ask our family how we are
And because we can't explain,
We will tell a little lie
Because we can't describe the pain.

Ask our family how we are
We'll say 'We’re alright.'
If that's the truth, then tell me,
Why do we cry each night?

Ask our family how we are
We seem to cope so well.
We don’t have a choice you see,
Nor the strength to yell.

Ask our family how we are
'We’re fine, We’re well, We’re coping.'
We cannot bear to tell the truth,
And say our hearts are broken.

DanJARMouse Thu 07-Aug-08 10:42:27

is running outside for a fag to compose herself as the tears start to fall

FoghornLeghorn Thu 07-Aug-08 10:50:14

JARM your letter made me well up
I do have some idea of what you feel, FIL died in 2001 when we had no children, we've since had 2 gorgeous girls, number 3 due on Monday and got married .... DH and I often talk about how utterly unfair it is that he didn't get to meet our children.

I hope you manage to get through today as best as can be expected.
Thinking of you

Slouchy Thu 07-Aug-08 10:56:01

HI Jarm.

Sorry it's so hard today. My mum was 49, so know the unfairness. She didn't see any of her grandchildren either.

It's shit isn't it.

The best description of grief I evr heard is that it is like a wound that never fully heals. The edges heal so it isn't so raw, but the middle is always tender, and if something hits/prods it it is agony again.

Howl all you like, it won't damage the children and it will help you x

DanJARMouse Thu 07-Aug-08 11:02:18

am now composed. am going for a walk along the beach in a minute. The girls will be able to run off some energy and I can sit and reflect.

I always feel calmer at the beach, mums ashes were scattered on the beach in scotland, not far from where she grew up and where Miaou lives.

Things could have been made so much easier today but thanks to some people (a whole different thread) im just not in the frame of mind to cope.

TheDevilWearsPrimark Thu 07-Aug-08 15:20:53

JARM
Just to let you know I'm thinking of you.

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