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help me not sure what to say/do

(6 Posts)
prue Sun 06-Feb-05 09:09:14

my friend lost her boy last year when she was 24 weeks pregnant (i was also pregnant now have 10 wek old dd) im so worried about her as i hear from people shes not coping very well and is very low and want to be there to help her but she finds it hard to see me because of my dd she knows i here if she needs me i want to help her.

suzywong Sun 06-Feb-05 09:16:05

what an awful piece of bad luck

IME, I have a friend who is thankfully about to have her baby next wee but previously lost a baby at the same time as you friend. And she wants to talk about it, she and her ds had named the baby and taken pictures etc and it was a whole child to them. What my friend didn't want was to be sidelined and left out of pregnancy stories, like how your back aches etc, because although her end result passed away, she had been pregnant (and even gone in to labour )

So I would see if you friend had got as far as naming her child and if she had, then be a sympathetic ear and let her talk about the child that she lost.

HTH

suzywong Sun 06-Feb-05 09:16:49

should be she and her dh had named the baby (my baby is on my lao so my t ypoing is up the creek)

fisil Sun 06-Feb-05 09:20:04

Prue, I am so sorry for your friend, and for you wanting to be a good friend but finding it hard. In my experience I no longer have the anger I once had about other people's babies who were due at the same time as mine. As they move on and get older (they are about 4 months now) I just don't associate them with what I lost in the same way. So that side is easier for me, but the pain is just as real and I desperately need to talk about it still, but I feel embarrassed sometimes because I don't want to go on. Everyone is different (and I lost my baby very very early, so a completely different situation for me), but it is possible that your friend feels like this too.

prue Sun 06-Feb-05 10:17:15

i forgot to say she is single she had a holiday romance and fell pregnant she has two older children from an old relationship she did name him and had a funarl and scatted his ashes. she cuts herself of from the world doesnt answer phone answer door do i just wait till shes ready?
i leave messages to let her know im here when she needs me and wants someone to talk to

TeaTime Mon 07-Feb-05 01:45:14

hi Prue - this must be very hard for both of you but especially for your friend. I'm afraid my feeling would be that she does need to talk, but you might not be the right person, as no matter how strong your friendship is, your beautiful, and very much alive dd will be just too painful for her for quite a while. If you can somehow get her to contact support of some kind (the miscarriage thread on mn has been a lifeline to me) and be really understanding of her unwillingness to talk to you, you'll be the best friend she has in the long run. Would it be possible to meet and talk to her without dd?

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