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TIME IS NO GREAT HEALER FOR ME !!!!

(21 Posts)
hibbert Thu 17-Jul-08 18:24:18

Lost my mum almost on month ago and people keep saying i will feel better with time but i feel more sad now than when she went, i have never been this long without her before and the loss is so painful, i dont think i will ever get over it, ever ever x

southeastastra Thu 17-Jul-08 18:25:44

oh hibbert, right now all i want is my mum and she died 9 years ago. it doesn't get easier you just get used to it.

so sorry for you

LynetteScavo Thu 17-Jul-08 18:29:15

Oh, hibbert, sad

I've not lost my mum, but a months is really just time to get your head around something as big as this.

When people say "time" I think they mean over your life time.

LadyThompson Thu 17-Jul-08 18:30:52

Poor girl. It's the earliest of early days, of course you feel horrendous! I lost my husband three years ago and it takes a long time to get used to. I won't say 'get over', because I think you never do; but you do learn to live with the pain and it becomes easier then to be comforted by how much your loved one loved you, and gave you, and how much you want to make them proud by the way you live the rest of your life. Don't be hard on yourself. And remember, life ends, but love never does, and your mother's love will exist forever - in your heart.

shabster Thu 17-Jul-08 18:31:48

bereavement doesn't get easier it just 'changes.' Very gradually, bit by bit it softens around the edges. Early grief is physically and mentally painful....older grief sneaks up on you. You could be just walking around the supermarket and a song will come on and make you run for the exit.

Im so sorry for your loss. Go easy on yourself....the old chestnut 'time heals' is true but your loss is too new to comprehend it. Keep talking about your mum - I have found that talking and telling your story over and over is a massive part of the 'recovery.'

hibbert Thu 17-Jul-08 18:32:09

i just want the world to stop still and be sad with me but everything is just carrying on, i am falling to bits and no one seems to notice, as if i should be over it by now!!!
i think the only person that would understand how i am feeling is my mum x

LadyThompson Thu 17-Jul-08 18:34:29

Hibbert, only a lunatic would think you could be over it by now. I know that feeling of wanting everything and everyone to stop and take notice so well. Talking to people who knew and loved your Mum could help a little - people who can remind you how much she loved you.

shabster Thu 17-Jul-08 18:34:37

Its similar to when you have had a baby and you look out of the hospital windows and the world has the audacity to carry on regardless. Your mum will always be around you. Talk to her. I talk to my children all the time. Mind you I am barking mad smile Joking aside it is very early days.

BoysAreLikeDogs Thu 17-Jul-08 18:36:27

Oh hibbert

It's such early days yet - your loss is so raw and your pain is still v fresh sad

I promise you that you will never 'get over it', but you will learn how to live with your grief, and rebuild your life.

I am so sorry for your loss

allgonebellyup Thu 17-Jul-08 18:36:38

do you have brothers or sisters to share the grief with??

hibbert Thu 17-Jul-08 18:39:02

i have a younger brother and sister but my sister has been on hols for two weeks and my brother doesnt live local and isnt too understanding, he hadnt spoke to mum for 5 years and turned up on the day she died

allgonebellyup Thu 17-Jul-08 18:41:09

your sister went on holidays as soon as her mum died? God. Hope you can get some support from her when she returns?
Sorry about your brother.

hibbert Thu 17-Jul-08 18:43:26

my hubby tries hard to help but he doesnt realise the pain i am experiencing, its not his fault, as he has never lost anyone close .

hibbert Thu 17-Jul-08 18:45:13

my sister took mums death bad but she had already booked her hols and had struggled all year to pay for it so my dad said she should go, mum would of told her to go x

hibbert Thu 17-Jul-08 18:47:05

i think she is regretting going, she has been on phone 3/4 times a day

motherinferior Thu 17-Jul-08 18:47:34

Darling, one day you will feel less awful. You will never stop missing your mum, but one day the wound will be a scar.

hibbert Thu 17-Jul-08 18:48:51

i hope so cos i am running out of tears, just feeling pain x

stickybun Thu 17-Jul-08 23:10:09

hibbert - Hang on in there. I always remember my Aunty saying to me that my Dad wouldn't have wanted me to be any more unhappy than I absolutely had to be. This was on the way to his funeral 22 years ago now; she's dead too now but I know she was right and I'm guessing maybe the same can be said for you. The horrendous sadness that I felt at losing my Dad didn't go away but changed into something very good. It made me realise that the special thing we had between us was unique and could not be destroyed even by death. What you miss is what you shared and some of that lives on in you and can never be taken away from you. How one person feels isn't the same as another - that is part of the uniqueness (inmho). Personally if I were to die tomorrow I would want the people I loved to be as happy as they could be - for some people that means immediate mourning for others it's more gradual. The things you miss sometimes change from being sad to happy - thinking that the LO would have enjoyed something special etc.. Give yourself time and know that many people are thinking of you - you are not alone X

MotherElk Sat 09-Aug-08 07:32:49

Completely understand the frustration - I think people say those sorts of things because they don't know anything else to say (or anything better). What they seem to miss is that it's REALLY hard to see that time's a great healer when it's you doing the time!! People still say it to myself and my mum and my dad has been gone a year - do you get the sympathetic tilt of the head as well?!
My only advice is to give yourself a break - it's only been a month and you should only be taking little steps at the moment. Stickybun makes a lot of sense. It's because your mum was a good person and meant so much to you that the pain is so acute - she must have been a special lady

onlyjoking Sat 09-Aug-08 10:08:26

sorry to hear that your mum died, it is very normal to feel so overwhelmed and like you will never be happy or ever get over it, you really can't rush the grief process it takes a long time and uses up everything you have, my Dh died 8 weeks ago things feel worse now in some ways probably cos the numbness has worn off and the immediate hands on stuff like funeral and paperwork are done so I don't have them to focus on.
Spend some time with people who will let you talk about your mum you need to be able to do that without feeling you shouldn't.

googledoogle Mon 11-Aug-08 23:45:11

So sory for your loss hibbert, cant begin to think how you feel just now but can only reflect on how you might begin to feel as TIME goes on. I've spent the last 8 years worrying about my father dying after he suffered a heart attack. Thinking how I might feel, how I'd cope, what I'd do. Things just creep up on you and happen when you least expect it. 6 months ago my brother came to my door to break the news that my partner of 24 years had been killed in an accident at work leaving behind me and our two little boys aged 7 and 2. As a mother your automatic thoughts are for your children. How do I tell them? I was mindful of the impact this has on a 7 year old. I broke the news as gently as I could to be faced with the reply 'its not fair mummy, you dont know how I feel, you still have you're daddy'. This is so true I'll never know how this feels until it happens to me. The only way my child has gotten thru the last 6 months is by always remembering what he had with his daddy not what he has lost. I know these are futile words but please try and even think about them. I find it extremely difficult to pray what I preach to my wee boy but the feelings are so so raw just now and will be for a long long time to come but I hope the long road you have in front of you becomes easier to bear the longer you are on it.

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