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how can i help my dad with his grief

(15 Posts)
hibbert Wed 09-Jul-08 06:55:31

lost my mum 2 weeks ago, devestated but my dad is so grief stricken, he isnt eating or sleeping, his changes mood like the weather, crying then angry then quiet, yesterday the police phoned me to say they were with him in the street and he was very confused and disorentated and crying, i had to go and bring him home. he just kept saying he has lost pat (my mum ).
my dad is a proud man and very rarly shows emotion but i dont know what to do to help him through this difficult time. i sujested the doctors but he refused point blank. xxx

CaptainUnderpants Wed 09-Jul-08 07:15:20

hibbert - I really feel for you I really do . I lost my Mum just about a year a go and my Dad was also grief stricken and still is .

They had benn married for 57 years and had known each other since they were children - so they had known each other for 75yrs .

My Dad too was quite subborn aboout getting any help and is a very proud man .

I know that we have lost our Mums but our Dads must truely feel the pain of losing one that we hoped to spend the rest of their lives with and with whom had children .

It is still very early days yet . I dont know whether you have any siblings that could help out . There are four of us but three of us live quite away but we kept in daily conatct with him and my sisiter was with him most of the time .

Perhaps you could contact beaverment councselling yourself to see how you and your Dad could help each other .

I really dont know what else to say , time is not a healer and your Dads pain will never go away but hopefully he will be able to dela with it better.

Thnking of you .

CaptainUnderpants Wed 09-Jul-08 07:26:15

Perhaps if you conatcted his Gp yourself. I think it is very imprtant that his Gp knows , if not already, what has happend in your Dads life.

Try and arrange a home visit and you be there.

You see iof your Dad is found wandering in the street again by Police and they cannot get hold of you or dont know what has happend your Dad may be detained under the Mental Health Act and taken to a plce of safety - which would initally be the Police Station. Not the best place for your Dad to be at the moment but I would seriusoly consider conatcting his GP yourself and speaking with him.

What your Dad is going through is all part of the grief process unfortunately .


hibbert Wed 09-Jul-08 10:16:54

progress, my dad has been passing out all morning (think its because hes not eating)
got him to go doctors at 10.30 today.
i hope he feels little better after seeing doc

JacobsPrincess Wed 09-Jul-08 10:20:38

Thinking of you Hibbert and your Dad at this difficult time. Really hope Dr can help your Dad

mistypeaks Wed 09-Jul-08 10:36:42

I have no wisdom, but I just wanted to say I hope time can ease the pain for you and your dad. Very sorry for your loss.
All I can offer is love each other.

totalmisfit Wed 09-Jul-08 10:40:24

so sorry for your loss. I really hope you find a way to help your dad through this. hopefully GP will have some suggestions.

thumbwitch Wed 09-Jul-08 10:46:20

eating is terribly hard when you're really upset - my Dad subsisted on soup for a while because it's easier to swallow.
The only thing you can do is to be there for your dad and call him every day and badger him - go to his house, cook for him, or have him to yours and cook for him. We lost my mum almost exactly a year ago (Dad and Mum were married 41 yrs) and it is very hard; also I saw my grandad suffer after my nan died (married 58 years) and the not eating thing is pretty common.

The mood changing thing, as CapUP says, is all part of the grieving process and he has to work through that, as do you.

If your dad doesn't start eating, tell him he may well have to go into hospital to be fed and hydrated,see if that helps.

How old is he, btw?

thumbwitch Wed 09-Jul-08 10:47:52

and i am also sorry for your loss and that you have this added worry over your dad.

dizzydixies Wed 09-Jul-08 10:49:42

hibbert am so sorry for the loss you and your family have suffered, your mum and dad were obviously a very close loving couple.

I don't mean to sound insensitive here so please forgive me if I do.

We are currently going through the same thing where mum is being moved from palliative care ward to a hospice today. My dad is NOT coping at all and the change in him over these last few weeks has been unbelievable

can I ask what happened to your mum? I only ask such a personal question as my mum has been battling cancers for 6 years now and he MacMillan nurses are absolutely fantastic. They have helped all of us immensely and I have spoken to them about my dad and they have reassured me that they will be there to support him as much as he needs once my mum finally passes.

if that is an option for you please do follow it up as they are wonderful at their jobs

wishing you comfort and strength during this hard time for you and your dad

lilyloo Wed 09-Jul-08 10:53:32

Hibbert so sorry for you and your dad. I think them early days are just so hard i lodt my mum , she was 45 my dad was 47. I rememeber him saying 'he wanted to die too' and i thought it was such a selfish thing to stay when we had lost our mum never mind him.
All you can do bar telling the doc , which i see you have done is be there for him.
Give him things to do i.e collect dc from school (even if you turn up too just in case.
Arrange for him to come for tea/lunch etc.
Take him to the supermarket /shops.
Anything to stop him dwelling and thinking he has no purpose.
It's a long slow process we are 7 years on now and still my dad has wobbly days but they get much less.
Also talking about her helps as people often stop doing that and that is hard.
And make sure you take time to grieve yourself as that can sometimes get lost when you are having to look after others.

hibbert Wed 09-Jul-08 11:03:55


not a problem, my heart goes out to you at your sad and difficult time.
my mum had emphasemia, she had it for 10 years but been on pumped oxegen for about 2 years, she had just bought an electric buggy and was starting to get out again a little, but her passing was out of the blue and although we knew she was going to die with it one day (there is no treatment) we never thought for a min it would be so soon
its left such a big hole in my heart, my dad is so sad, it hurts just watching him.
it would of been thier 41 wedding anniversary yesterday, been together since 15, dad is 62, mum was 61

dizzydixies Wed 09-Jul-08 11:09:20

oh Hibbert am so sorry sad its never easy is it, especially when you realise your parents aren't superhuman after all.

I am aware of how difficult a disease Emphasemia is, we lost my aunt to it and dad suffers from it but not badly yet. What a strong and determined lady she must have been, you must be very proud of her having managed as well as she did.

please PLEASE do take Lilyloo's good advice and remember to take the time to grieve yourself as well as looking after your dad

CaptainUnderpants Wed 09-Jul-08 15:00:42

hope the visit to the GP was helpful smile

MummyPugh Fri 19-Apr-13 12:02:47

My father in law recently lost his wife and he is really struggling...emotionally and practically. We are able to support him emotionally but we do need to help motivate him to fill his days when we can't be with him. His wife did absolutely everything! Can anyone recommend a cooking course in the Guildford area aimed at elderly gentleman who need to learn to cook for one? Or any other activities? He is a very sociable man and just likes company. He is in his late 60s.

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