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I FEEL GUILTY AND ANGRY THAT EVERYONE IS CARRYING ON LIKE NOTHINGS HAPPENED

(25 Posts)
hibbert Tue 08-Jul-08 19:01:03

my mum died 2 weeks ago and ime gutted but everyone else seems to be carrying on with life and mine is just a blair.
does anyone else feel like this.
i just feel like screaming "stop, my mums died" its weird but thats how i feel x

catweazle Tue 08-Jul-08 19:02:41

Sorry about your mum Hibbert. When my dad died I feltexactly the same. It sucks

triplets Tue 08-Jul-08 22:17:22

So very sorry about your lovely Mum, it is so hard to lose someone you love. I have lost my son and my Dad and I still want to scream at times....."why are you all carrying on, don`t you know my son has died", thats after 14 very long years. It is the hardest thing to come to terms with, I feel for you xx

claricebeansmum Tue 08-Jul-08 22:21:22

So sorry for your loss - my thoughts are with you.

Whenever I have lost someone close I have always felt like this.
How dare everyone carry on with their lives, don't they know what has happened? How can the world continue without that person?
I really want to shout STOP.
Absolutely natural IMO.

AbbeyA Tue 08-Jul-08 22:24:40

It is very natural-I felt as if I was on a different planet at times. I am sorry for your loss.

mumtofour Tue 08-Jul-08 22:27:13

So very sorry to hear about your mum Hibbert. I think it is a perfectly "normal" part of grieving to be annoyed/angry/upset by the way others lives are carrying on as usual. I would like to send you a big hug and say you take one day at a time and you grieve your way as you need to put yourself and your feelings first. I hope you have people around you to take care of you. Sending you love.

bluewolf Tue 08-Jul-08 22:27:26

I know how you feel and its very hard. There is absolutely no right answer or anything that any one can say to make you feel better. You've done more than you realise but even putting it up here though.

elliott Tue 08-Jul-08 22:31:13

I think people never realise how long it goes on either. My mum died 2 years ago and I still feel like telling everyone how much I miss her, but they never even mention it any more. In fact I think they stopped mentioning it a couple of months after she died.

MadamAnt Tue 08-Jul-08 22:32:49

I'm so sorry hibbert. Have you read this by Auden? It can be a comfort to know that the shock and pain and isolation from 'normal' life is a common, maybe even universal, bereavement response.

Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone,
Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,
Silence the pianos and with muffled drum
Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.

Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead
Scribbling on the sky the message He Is Dead,
Put crepe bows round the white necks of the public doves,
Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.

He was my North, my South, my East and West,
My working week and my Sunday rest,
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;
I thought that love would last for ever: I was wrong.

The stars are not wanted now: put out every one;
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun;
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood.
For nothing now can ever come to any good.

Goober Tue 08-Jul-08 22:40:20

My Mum died last week. I know what you mean, but at the same time I can't actually speak to people. If they talk to me I run away. Don't want to talk to anyone.

WeeBesom Tue 08-Jul-08 22:42:03

I am so sorry for your loss. I felt like this when my Gran died recently. All I wanted to do was scream at them (my family) to stop what they were doing, stop the pretence and the brave faces and think and talk about the fact that she was gone.

I wanted to curl up in a ball and weep for her and not pretend that I was alright, because I wasn't. Everyone has different ways of coping.

If you need to scream scream, if you need to cry, cry. Don't be afraid to tell people how you are feeling. Just because others are not showing their emotions doesn't mean they don't care. Tell them you need to talk about it.
They may be glad they don't need to keep up the pretence for you x

WeeBesom Tue 08-Jul-08 22:42:36

Sossy for your loss too Goober sad

WeeBesom Tue 08-Jul-08 22:43:01

Sorry (i am typing in the dark!)

Evenstar Wed 09-Jul-08 06:14:19

DH died less than 2 weeks ago, and I find going into crowds very difficult, as you say people are just going on with their lives, which is natural if you rationalise it, but that half of your brain is not functioning so well at the moment. I am sorry for your loss in another W H Auden poem Musee Des Beaux Arts he describes a Breughel(sp?) where Icarus is plunging to the sea but all the other people in the painting are oblivious that is how I have been feeling in crowds. Be with people who care for you and knew your mum, not alone or with strangers.

onlyjoking Wed 09-Jul-08 07:09:02

sorry that your mum died and all the loss that brings, it is very normal to feel like you do you may also feel irriatated by what feels like other peoples pointless chatter about the weather / price of fuel.
one book that has made me feel more "normal" is kate boydells " death and how to survive it" I find myself nodding along as I read it.
do you want to tell us about your mum?

hibbert Wed 09-Jul-08 07:13:06

she was rushed in on fathers day, she was full of carbon dioxide and had to be sedated.
she stayed sedated for almost a week.
the doctors came to us twice and explained she was going and they had no hope.
she was on a ventilator and was very peaceful.
then on day 5 she started to fight the ventilator so they phoned us to say they had to take it off her. when we got there, mum had this horrific mask on that covered her face and was warapped round her head, it awful, she was almost fully aware of people around her and she was panicing and crying, it was just what she didnt want.
i told her i loved her and she shook her head,it really upset me, then she pushed my dad away too, i knew she was angry.
me and my dad were really upset but i knew in my heart what was up with mum, i had always promised her she wouldnt suffer and i said she would always have her dignity.
i had to take my dad to one side and tell him that this was not right, i told him what i had promised mum and he agreed that we had to help mum.
we asked to see the doctor and i told him my concerns and they agreed that we were only prolonging mums pain and she would die anyway.
my dad left the room to tell the family and i was left with mum and her nurse.
i asked mum took look into my eyes and i asked her is this what she wanted and she shook her head, i asked did she want the mask off and she nodded, i asked had she had enough and she nodded, i asked her again is this what she wanted and she shook her head again, the nursr nodded and agreed that that was a definate answer and took her mask off straight away, mum relaxed and i told her i loved her again and she nodded.
they sedated her again and she snorred peacefully for eleven hours, we stayed with her all night and she drifted away at 5 in the morning.
she was very peaceful and had dignity.
in my heart i did the best for mum but i just hope the doesnt think i give up on her,
the pain is so hard to bare,
i did it for love of my mum but i feel so bad, sorry to go on but writing this down has helped me sort things a little in my head
xxx

hibbert Wed 09-Jul-08 07:13:07

she was rushed in on fathers day, she was full of carbon dioxide and had to be sedated.
she stayed sedated for almost a week.
the doctors came to us twice and explained she was going and they had no hope.
she was on a ventilator and was very peaceful.
then on day 5 she started to fight the ventilator so they phoned us to say they had to take it off her. when we got there, mum had this horrific mask on that covered her face and was warapped round her head, it awful, she was almost fully aware of people around her and she was panicing and crying, it was just what she didnt want.
i told her i loved her and she shook her head,it really upset me, then she pushed my dad away too, i knew she was angry.
me and my dad were really upset but i knew in my heart what was up with mum, i had always promised her she wouldnt suffer and i said she would always have her dignity.
i had to take my dad to one side and tell him that this was not right, i told him what i had promised mum and he agreed that we had to help mum.
we asked to see the doctor and i told him my concerns and they agreed that we were only prolonging mums pain and she would die anyway.
my dad left the room to tell the family and i was left with mum and her nurse.
i asked mum took look into my eyes and i asked her is this what she wanted and she shook her head, i asked did she want the mask off and she nodded, i asked had she had enough and she nodded, i asked her again is this what she wanted and she shook her head again, the nursr nodded and agreed that that was a definate answer and took her mask off straight away, mum relaxed and i told her i loved her again and she nodded.
they sedated her again and she snorred peacefully for eleven hours, we stayed with her all night and she drifted away at 5 in the morning.
she was very peaceful and had dignity.
in my heart i did the best for mum but i just hope the doesnt think i give up on her,
the pain is so hard to bare,
i did it for love of my mum but i feel so bad, sorry to go on but writing this down has helped me sort things a little in my head
xxx

MadamAnt Wed 09-Jul-08 07:53:05

Hibbert - you sound like a wonderfully brave and loving daughter. Your mother must have been so proud and grateful for your tenderness.

AbbeyA Wed 09-Jul-08 07:55:04

I am sure that your mum wouldn't have thought that you gave up on her, you gave her peace and dignity at the end which is the important thing to remember.
I found that it helped to write things down, I emptied my whole mind onto paper then read it through and tore it up.I wouldn't have wanted anyone else to read it but it helped me to stop things going round and round in my head.

mummypud Wed 09-Jul-08 08:11:06

my dad died almost a year ago and in the week it happened i remember being in my brothers car and seeing people just doing every day things , i actually felt like winding down the window an shouting at them to stop, didnt they know my dad had died? even now a year on when i see people i think i should say something to them in case they think i am over it or coping , or if i have a laugh with them i hope they dont think i am over it . of course i dont say anything but it is a n isolating feeling .

feedmenow Wed 09-Jul-08 08:12:28

Hibbert what a fantastic lady and daughter you are. You did exactly what your mum wanted and needed you to do by the sounds of it. She knows you didn't give up on her - if anything you fought for her right til the end. You thought of her and what you knew she wanted, not yourself. Please try not to add to your grief by thinking you let her down in any way. xx

Eddas Wed 09-Jul-08 08:31:19

hibbert, watching someone you love in pain is so so hard. You did what everyone hopes they would do and helped yor mum the way she would've wanted. She would know it was out of love.

The way you're feeling is utterly normal. The hardest thing about grief is that everything has to carry onsad

My own mum died 5 years ago nearly and i find myself constantly wanting to talk about her and tell everyone all about her. I never want her to be forgotten

be kind to yourself. let your grief come out in whatever way it needs to {{{{{{hugs}}}}}}

lucyellensmum Wed 09-Jul-08 09:06:59

deepest sympahty hibbert.

mindfulmama Wed 09-Jul-08 17:52:37

YOU poor poor loves, all of you with raw grief... It is like living in a parallel universe... how can people do ordinary things when this has happened? it is so hard but you are not alone, and if it helps Cruse are very good at supporting people whatever stage of grief they are at. It is OK to need to offload.. it is just atht other people aren't very good at knowing what to do or say adn time passess fast for them, if not for you... Take care at this difficult time.

onlytheone Wed 09-Jul-08 22:11:34

Yes it is a normal response. DH died 7 weeks ago. I took my DD to a party a week later. I had to leave almosst immediately as could not stand the noise and everyone chatting as though nothing had happened in our lives. Crowds of strangers are definitely difficult for me and the only way I am coping is being with people who knew or want to talk about DH. Remove and avoid situations that make you anxious.

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