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Bereavement

Dad has gone

32 replies

homecomfort · 07/07/2008 11:45

My dad passed away Friday afternoon.
He had lung cancer, the death was horrific.
Me my brother and my sister were with him the whole time.
He begged to help him breathe, almost standing up, desperate for breath. He clung onto mybrother begging.
We could do nothing. My sister had his head in her arms. She looked into his eyes and told him to let go dad, its ok let go. You go to mum now, she is waiting.
We were all crying uncontrolably desperate to help him, but there was nothing we could do.
Through the six months of dad having lung cancer, we promised, the nurses and the doctors promised he would not choke to death and then he did.

I am sorry if this is all to much. I need to write what has happened. I spent the whole day in bed yesterday, i did not want to do anything. Today i am so numb, i cant quite beleve it actually happened.

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Collision · 07/07/2008 11:46

Oh how awful for you all.

I am so for you.

At least he is not in pain anymore.

Hugs to you.

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BecauseImWorthIt · 07/07/2008 11:48

So sorry. What a terrible way to go.

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queenrollo · 07/07/2008 11:48

i can't offer any words that will change how you feel right now, but i am thinking of you and your family at this sad time.

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ILikeToMoveItMoveIt · 07/07/2008 11:49

I'm so sorry homecomfort.

It's hard to lose someone, nevermind in those circumstances.

Have you spoken to the nurses and doc's too see why this happened? I know it doesn't change anything, but it may help if you know why this happened.

Your sister done the right thing by telling him to let go.

Much love and strength to you all xx

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mishymoo · 07/07/2008 11:49

Oh what a truly horrible experience for you and your family.

Like Collision said, at least he is no longer in pain.

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mankymummy · 07/07/2008 11:51

how absolutely awful for you that he died that way and that you have lost your dad.

I was with my dad when he died and because i could not get anyone to administer pain relief for him he spent the last hour in agony, clawing at his hair, writhing around. i have never forgiven myself although i know it wasnt my fault.

it is a terrible thing seeing someone in so much pain and being unable to help them, my heart goes out to you.

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WeeBesom · 07/07/2008 11:53

How utterly heartbreaking

I am so sorry for your loss. Once the rawness of his passing fades a little it will be a comfort for you to know that he is not in pain any more.

Bastard cancer won't leave my family alone either.

Wishing you strength to get through this terrible time x

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noddyholder · 07/07/2008 11:58

I am so sorry I didn't think this sort of thing happened in this day and age.You will probably need some help and support to get over this?Could you approach your gp for help?Thank goodness he is now free and with your mum you sound like lovely children to stay with him at a time like that

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homecomfort · 07/07/2008 12:00

Thnk you for your kind words.
I am sorry you went through that mankymummy

I want to find out why he had to go through that at the end. However my brother thinks we best leave it. I think i will talk to him when i go over today.

The doctor turned up about 15 min after he died and said they dont normaly die like that then i want to know WHY!

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windygalestoday · 07/07/2008 12:07

homecomfort xx

im so very sorry that that happened,we nursed my mil through terminal breast cancer and i understand how empty yet full of raw anger you are,time is a healer you get used to the gaping hole in your heart and you must do what you think is right to answer your own questions with the doctors.

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mankymummy · 07/07/2008 12:08

did he die at home ?

i think if you want answers then you should find out as soon as you can what happened.

i wish i had, i know what happened but i never confronted the doctors about it and so have still carried the guilt.

i'm not sure if this will help you or not but i was watching my dad very closely when he died and before he physically died and it got really, really awful i saw him "go". he was still alive but he wasnt there anymore. i really believe that when someone is dying and the pain becomes unbearable their spirit (or whatever you choose to call it) leaves.

it has helped me come to terms with what happened knowing that it was just his body suffering at the end.

not sure if i've made any sense or if you can relate to what i mean but i hope that it was the same for your dad...

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Goober · 07/07/2008 12:09

So, so sad.
I am feeling your pain too.
I lost my lovely Mum to cancer last week.
Lots of love to you and your family.

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sunshineonarainyday · 07/07/2008 12:13

So sorry to hear this homecomfort, sending you love, am thinking of you. You too Goober

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homecomfort · 07/07/2008 12:23

aw i am sorry if i have opened up sore wounds

He did die at home (well my brothers house) but i will be talking with my brother and sister today about this.

Mankymummy i really take comfort in what you say,the body suffering not his spirit. I am a spiritualist but right now this moment in time its difficult. I just wish he never had to go that way. When i close my eyes i see his face and his eyes calling desperatley for us, then him chaging color. I am sorry i keep going on

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mankymummy · 07/07/2008 12:29

i am not religious and up until that day had never really considered the spirit/soul/whatever separate to the body.

But i know what i saw.

your dad knew all the people who loved him were there for him, thats the biggest thing.

Try and remember that although it seems like a huge thing at the moment (and of course it is), his actual dying was just a very small part of his life, a life that he spent knowing he was very loved.

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Goober · 07/07/2008 12:35

You haven't openned up any wounds with me, they are still open. It is still earlly days for us too.
My sister said at the moment Mum stopped breathing her entire look changed and she no longer looked like Mum. We are taking comfort from the idea that her body was her 'vehicle' for life and when she passed on the real Mum, her spirit left.
You are not going on.
I feel that I can vent on here, whereas in RL I can't talk to anybody other than my family who are going through it with me. This morning I literally ran away from 2 friends. I can't cope with that yet. One day, I will explain why I was so rude, but not yet.

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RubyRioja · 07/07/2008 12:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

geekgirl · 07/07/2008 12:45

homecomfort, I am so very sorry

It's such a terrible thing to see your loved one go through.
I lost my mum to ovarian cancer just before Christmas - her death too was very harrowing and completely unnecessarily drawn-out. She suffered so much - like you we had been told she wouldn't and that modern medicine could control the symptoms, but in the end it came just as I'd been dreading it might be - she was retching or vomiting permanently for about 3 weeks and in so much pain before she finally died.
I was furious with the doctors who wouldn't give her more morphine because it might lower her respiratory rate or the ones who wanted to put her on a drip 'to strengthen her heart' (WTF?! - she just wanted to be allowed to die).
It helped me to talk about it all to dh and good friends and my bereavement counsellor - you need to get it out of your system but it will probably take some time.

Again, I am really sorry for your loss

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PippiCalzelunghe · 07/07/2008 12:57

homecomfort I am so very sorry for you loss! I have no much to say except that your recollection brought tears to my eyes. My grandad and FIL died the same way of the same things and I fear my dad will go the same way (due to heavy heavy smoking). It must be terrible to witness.
sorry!

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itati · 07/07/2008 13:15

I am so so sorry. Your dad must have been terrified and you all must feel so frustrated. I think it may help to talk to the staff about why he was allowed to suffer like that.

I am so very sorry.

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sparklesandnowinefor4months · 07/07/2008 13:28

I'm so sorry for your loss

I think you should try and find the answers from the doctors, they need to explain to you why this happened. That way you will have an answer even if it takes you some time to understand why at least when you are ready the answers will be there for you rather than having it going round and round in your head

The image you have of your dad's last moments will fade, i used to have similar visions of my dad before he died but they have faded now and made way for the happy ones.

I don't know if you have recent photos of your dad around the house but i found that it helped me to put pictures up of him as i remembered him when we were younger, happy times when we were young rather than the more recent ones when he was ill. Plus it was a good way for the DC to see him as i remembered him as my dad had been been ill with brain tumors for 9 years before he died so my DC never knew him 'well' and this helped them realise he wasn't always ill

Sorry that was a bit long

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Thelighthousekeeper · 07/07/2008 16:50

I'm so sorry for your loss Homecomfort and the traumatic way in which it happened. I will be thinking of you and your family. x

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Tas1 · 07/07/2008 17:07

I'm so sorry for you. I know how you are feeling. My FIL died 4 weeks ago, he had Chronic Obstuctive Airways Disease and also Bowl Cancer. He was on oxygen 24hrs a day but every breath was a stuggle plus he was in constant pain from the bowl cancer.
I also watch my own father die from liver failure.
I will be thinking of you.

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Califrau · 07/07/2008 17:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MaryAnnSingleton · 07/07/2008 17:18

am so sorry - it sounds very frightening for you

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