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Dad has gone

(33 Posts)
homecomfort Mon 07-Jul-08 11:45:27

My dad passed away Friday afternoon.
He had lung cancer, the death was horrific.
Me my brother and my sister were with him the whole time.
He begged to help him breathe, almost standing up, desperate for breath. He clung onto mybrother begging.
We could do nothing. My sister had his head in her arms. She looked into his eyes and told him to let go dad, its ok let go. You go to mum now, she is waiting.
We were all crying uncontrolably desperate to help him, but there was nothing we could do.
Through the six months of dad having lung cancer, we promised, the nurses and the doctors promised he would not choke to death and then he did.

I am sorry if this is all to much. I need to write what has happened. I spent the whole day in bed yesterday, i did not want to do anything. Today i am so numb, i cant quite beleve it actually happened.

Collision Mon 07-Jul-08 11:46:53

Oh how awful for you all.

I am so sad for you.

At least he is not in pain anymore.

Hugs to you.

BecauseImWorthIt Mon 07-Jul-08 11:48:14

So sorry. What a terrible way to go. sad

queenrollo Mon 07-Jul-08 11:48:25

i can't offer any words that will change how you feel right now, but i am thinking of you and your family at this sad time.

ILikeToMoveItMoveIt Mon 07-Jul-08 11:49:05

I'm so sorry homecomfort.

It's hard to lose someone, nevermind in those circumstances.

Have you spoken to the nurses and doc's too see why this happened? I know it doesn't change anything, but it may help if you know why this happened.

Your sister done the right thing by telling him to let go.

Much love and strength to you all xx

mishymoo Mon 07-Jul-08 11:49:11

Oh what a truly horrible experience for you and your family. sad

Like Collision said, at least he is no longer in pain.

mankymummy Mon 07-Jul-08 11:51:20

how absolutely awful for you that he died that way and that you have lost your dad.

I was with my dad when he died and because i could not get anyone to administer pain relief for him he spent the last hour in agony, clawing at his hair, writhing around. i have never forgiven myself although i know it wasnt my fault.

it is a terrible thing seeing someone in so much pain and being unable to help them, my heart goes out to you.

WeeBesom Mon 07-Jul-08 11:53:02

How utterly heartbreaking sad

I am so sorry for your loss. Once the rawness of his passing fades a little it will be a comfort for you to know that he is not in pain any more.

Bastard cancer angry won't leave my family alone either.

Wishing you strength to get through this terrible time x

noddyholder Mon 07-Jul-08 11:58:35

I am so sorry I didn't think this sort of thing happened in this day and age.You will probably need some help and support to get over this?Could you approach your gp for help?Thank goodness he is now free and with your mum you sound like lovely children to stay with him at a time like that sad

homecomfort Mon 07-Jul-08 12:00:27

Thnk you for your kind words.
I am sorry you went through that mankymummy sad

I want to find out why he had to go through that at the end. However my brother thinks we best leave it. I think i will talk to him when i go over today.

The doctor turned up about 15 min after he died and said they dont normaly die like that angry then i want to know WHY!

windygalestoday Mon 07-Jul-08 12:07:27

homecomfort xx

im so very sorry that that happened,we nursed my mil through terminal breast cancer and i understand how empty yet full of raw anger you are,time is a healer you get used to the gaping hole in your heart and you must do what you think is right to answer your own questions with the doctors.

mankymummy Mon 07-Jul-08 12:08:38

did he die at home ?

i think if you want answers then you should find out as soon as you can what happened.

i wish i had, i know what happened but i never confronted the doctors about it and so have still carried the guilt.

i'm not sure if this will help you or not but i was watching my dad very closely when he died and before he physically died and it got really, really awful i saw him "go". he was still alive but he wasnt there anymore. i really believe that when someone is dying and the pain becomes unbearable their spirit (or whatever you choose to call it) leaves.

it has helped me come to terms with what happened knowing that it was just his body suffering at the end.

not sure if i've made any sense or if you can relate to what i mean but i hope that it was the same for your dad...

Goober Mon 07-Jul-08 12:09:58

So, so sad.
I am feeling your pain too.
I lost my lovely Mum to cancer last week.
Lots of love to you and your family.

sunshineonarainyday Mon 07-Jul-08 12:13:04

So sorry to hear this homecomfort, sending you love, am thinking of you. You too Goober

homecomfort Mon 07-Jul-08 12:23:29

aw i am sorry if i have opened up sore wounds sad

He did die at home (well my brothers house) but i will be talking with my brother and sister today about this.

Mankymummy i really take comfort in what you say,the body suffering not his spirit. I am a spiritualist but right now this moment in time its difficult. I just wish he never had to go that way. When i close my eyes i see his face and his eyes calling desperatley for us, then him chaging color. I am sorry i keep going on

mankymummy Mon 07-Jul-08 12:29:03

i am not religious and up until that day had never really considered the spirit/soul/whatever separate to the body.

But i know what i saw.

your dad knew all the people who loved him were there for him, thats the biggest thing.

Try and remember that although it seems like a huge thing at the moment (and of course it is), his actual dying was just a very small part of his life, a life that he spent knowing he was very loved.

Goober Mon 07-Jul-08 12:35:02

You haven't openned up any wounds with me, they are still open. It is still earlly days for us too.
My sister said at the moment Mum stopped breathing her entire look changed and she no longer looked like Mum. We are taking comfort from the idea that her body was her 'vehicle' for life and when she passed on the real Mum, her spirit left.
You are not going on.
I feel that I can vent on here, whereas in RL I can't talk to anybody other than my family who are going through it with me. This morning I literally ran away from 2 friends. I can't cope with that yet. One day, I will explain why I was so rude, but not yet.

RubyRioja Mon 07-Jul-08 12:42:31

You poor, poor thing.
I was with my mum at the end and the process sounded quite similar. I found it quite distressing tbh.

I take comfort from the fact that she knew I was there, she knew I had done everything possible to help her. I try to remember it was a natural death that could not be helped, rather than a stupid accident or a murder.

You are undoubtedly at a dreadful stage. If one thing did help me, it was talking, talking, talking especially to my sisters who were also there.

Please try not to bottle anything up - rant and rage and definitley talk to your dad's carers. I found out some things after that helped me - in terms of what was done, and what could not be done. This tallied with my research on care and it helped me to know that everythign that could be done was done.

Unfortuantley, I think death is often unpleasant and not pretty.

So sorry for your loss.

geekgirl Mon 07-Jul-08 12:45:59

homecomfort, I am so very sorry

It's such a terrible thing to see your loved one go through.
I lost my mum to ovarian cancer just before Christmas - her death too was very harrowing and completely unnecessarily drawn-out. She suffered so much - like you we had been told she wouldn't and that modern medicine could control the symptoms, but in the end it came just as I'd been dreading it might be - she was retching or vomiting permanently for about 3 weeks and in so much pain before she finally died.
I was furious with the doctors who wouldn't give her more morphine because it might lower her respiratory rate hmm or the ones who wanted to put her on a drip 'to strengthen her heart' (WTF?! - she just wanted to be allowed to die).
It helped me to talk about it all to dh and good friends and my bereavement counsellor - you need to get it out of your system but it will probably take some time.

Again, I am really sorry for your loss

PippiCalzelunghe Mon 07-Jul-08 12:57:33

homecomfort I am so very sorry for you losssad! I have no much to say except that your recollection brought tears to my eyes. My grandad and FIL died the same way of the same things and I fear my dad will go the same way (due to heavy heavy smoking). It must be terrible to witness.
sorry!

itati Mon 07-Jul-08 13:15:06

I am so so sorry. Your dad must have been terrified and you all must feel so frustrated. I think it may help to talk to the staff about why he was allowed to suffer like that.

I am so very sorry. sad

sparklesandnowinefor4months Mon 07-Jul-08 13:28:05

I'm so sorry for your loss sad

I think you should try and find the answers from the doctors, they need to explain to you why this happened. That way you will have an answer even if it takes you some time to understand why at least when you are ready the answers will be there for you rather than having it going round and round in your head

The image you have of your dad's last moments will fade, i used to have similar visions of my dad before he died but they have faded now and made way for the happy ones.

I don't know if you have recent photos of your dad around the house but i found that it helped me to put pictures up of him as i remembered him when we were younger, happy times when we were young rather than the more recent ones when he was ill. Plus it was a good way for the DC to see him as i remembered him as my dad had been been ill with brain tumors for 9 years before he died so my DC never knew him 'well' and this helped them realise he wasn't always ill

Sorry that was a bit long

Thelighthousekeeper Mon 07-Jul-08 16:50:51

I'm so sorry for your loss Homecomfort and the traumatic way in which it happened. I will be thinking of you and your family. x

Tas1 Mon 07-Jul-08 17:07:37

I'm so sorry for you. I know how you are feeling. My FIL died 4 weeks ago, he had Chronic Obstuctive Airways Disease and also Bowl Cancer. He was on oxygen 24hrs a day but every breath was a stuggle plus he was in constant pain from the bowl cancer.
I also watch my own father die from liver failure.
I will be thinking of you.

Califrau Mon 07-Jul-08 17:15:52

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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