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Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters.

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Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters.

Bereavement

Help please. We are scattering my Dad's ashes soon and we don't know what to do

27 replies

cruisemum1 · 21/05/2008 21:56

My lovely, lovely Dad passed away last month after a long and horrid battle with cancer. . We are scattering his ashes so that he can rest with his Mum, one of his sisters, niece and brother soon and we don't know what to do. Do we need a vicar? Do we just go along and scatter them ourselves? We really have no idea and we want it to be right. For my Dad and us. help please.

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cruisemum1 · 21/05/2008 22:01

help!

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thisisyesterday · 21/05/2008 22:03

when we scattered my grandpa's ashes we just went up a mountain and did it.

harpomarx · 21/05/2008 22:04

so sorry cruisemum, lots of (((())))s from across the internet.

are you religious?

If so, then maybe a vicar would help you to feel that it had been done in a meaningful way.

If not, maybe you could work out a simple family 'ceremony'. When my gran died it was lovely to hear all her children/grandchildren talk about her and what she meant to them, so many different memories and feelings, reminds you how important that person has been to so many people.

LittleMissNorty · 21/05/2008 22:06

You do what is right for you. I should think it depends on where you plan to do it.

We stood on the deserted beach as a family with FIL and opened the container and let the breeze do its thing....it was lovely....a very windy wild day....

sorry for your loss

cadelaide · 21/05/2008 22:07

So sorry to hear about your Dad cruisemum.

Where do you want to scatter them, is it in a graveyard?

cruisemum1 · 21/05/2008 22:14

thank you all. cadelaide - yes we are scattering them alongside the graves of his family. That is why it feels odd to just go ahead iyswim. Are we allowed to just scatter? i have found a lovely poem that would be very fitting. just hope i have the wherewithall to read it without faltering too much.

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MsHighwater · 21/05/2008 22:19

My dh's aunt (to whom he and his db had been very close as she never married and had no kids of her own) died 3 years ago.

She had loved Arran among other places so we (dh, bil, his wife, me and dd, aged 7 wks) went over there and took her ashes to the beach at Brodick. bil's wife brought roses and, after sharing a few fond reminiscences of her, we scattered Auntie's ashes and the flowers onto the water.

Do whatever feels right for you and your family. You don't need a vicar but no reason I can think of why you shouldn't if you would prefer it.

LittleMissNorty · 21/05/2008 22:20

Think you should probably contact the vicar - you may not need him there but if it were me, I would ask if it was ok to do my own thing.

Hope it's what you want

AbbeyA · 21/05/2008 22:21

If you are going to scatter alongside the graves it would be a good idea to consult the vicar. I just went up a mountain so there was no one to ask. Have you considered that burying them in an existing grave is an option? We did that with my father's ashes and he has a little name stone.

harpomarx · 21/05/2008 22:24

have a browse on the internet cruisemum, it seems that you probably need permission to scatter ashes in the graveyard. It would be awful to have your ceremony interrupted by someone saying you shouldn't be doing it.

MEMsmum · 21/05/2008 22:27

My DH's family scattered his Granny's ashes in the sea (from the beach rather than a boat!) with all family present, vicar for prayers and a big lunch with a slide show of Granny's life. It was about a year after she'd died though and on the anniversary of her husband's (his Grandad's) death 40+ years before - so it was a celebration of their lives as well as a sad farewell. We all shared memories and laughed ourselves hoarse at some of the stories that came up! The kids loved seeing Granny lively -she'd been ill and bedridden for some time so seeing pics of her striding up hills was great for them!

Is there somewhere that's particularly special to you as a family? Or somewhere your dad loved?

LynetteScavo · 21/05/2008 22:27

Do you want to have an "internment" where the ashes are buried, possibly on top of an exisiting grave of a relative?

You could ask to plant a rose bush in the curch yard, and put the ashes under it.

If you ask the vicar, I'm sure he would be more than happy to advise.

MEMsmum · 21/05/2008 22:32

Oops - took so long to post advice useless!!

But agree that you should ask vicar if church graveyard- municipal cemetary you're probably fine.

diplodocus · 21/05/2008 22:35

Cruisemum - I really hope you don't think what I'm about to write is in bad taste, but I really wish someone had told me this. When I had to scatter my Dad's ashes I'd imagined it would be like the ashes from a fireside. The consistency is more like sand. They don't really "scatter" IYKWIM, and there's a lot of them. I really hope this comment doesn't upset you, but for us I really wish I'd known as when we tried to scatter them over a fairly small area it became a bit undignfied, really.
I do hope whatever you choose brings you some peace, and again hope you don't think my comments are in bad taste.

harpomarx · 21/05/2008 22:37

I'm sure cruisemum won't be offended diplodocus, that is probably the most useful bit of advice so far

leesmum · 22/05/2008 11:15

Hi Cruisemum, i'm really sorry you lost your dad, my dad died in sept from bowel cancer he was only 63

We scattered his ashes in my mums garden and all had a glass of champagne, it wasn't easy but it's another milestone. It was dads birthday recently and my mum and my sisters ans i let off hellium ballons in the garden with little messages attached to them, whatever you decide to do remember to keep happy memories close to your heart xxx

nervousal · 22/05/2008 11:20

As siad above I don't think you are allowed to scatter ashes in a graveyard without the consent of the Council/church.

Also possibly in bad taste - but here goes. When we scattered FILs ashes we were very surprised at how much there was, and they certainly didn't scatter like you see in films. In fact - DFIL ended up more in a pile than scattered. Because it was the middle of winter the pile froze - guess the good thing was was that he was still there when we visited months later....

Why not think about a couple of sites to scatter them?

cadelaide · 22/05/2008 11:50

I don't think you people describing the ashes are in bad taste at all, I imagine that's really helpful.

Cruisemum, Good Morning! The reason I asked whether you intend to scatter in a grave yard is because, as others have said, I think in that case you'd be wise to have a chat to the Vicar first. (I don't think he/she'd need to be present unless you wanted it, though).

I really hope it goes well for you cruisemum, you're obviously putting a great deal of thought into getting it right for your dear Dad.

cruisemum1 · 24/05/2008 12:20

THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH for this information/ advice. it really is so helpful. it has raised a lot of issues that i would not hvae even considered ie. the quantity of ashes, consulting the vicar, memorial stone/tree etc. we have not decided what to do and are even more confused but at least we now have a much better picture of what should happen to my Dad. Thanks again .x

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potoftea · 24/05/2008 13:25

I am wondering why you'd rather scatter the ashes rather than bury them in the family grave. It'd mean you always had a place to visit that was his resting place more so than scattered ashes I think.
Also if you do decide to scatter there is a possibility that you will be refused permission, so maybe check it out hypothetically first if you know what I mean so that you aren't refused, but know that you will be if you do ask. Maybe you'll still want to do it and if you've been told you can't your may get into trouble if caught. (hope I'm not confusing you too much.)

cruisemum1 · 24/05/2008 13:33

potoftea - i did not know that yhou could have a burial once someone had been cremated but that would be ideal. i guess a call to the vicar is in order. many thanks.

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didoreth · 24/05/2008 14:51

Sorry about your dad cruisemum.
I am currently in a similar situation, my mum died of cancer two years ago and we haven't scattered her ashes yet. I know what you mean about not knowing what to do, but wanting it to be right. My father has now decided on a meaningful date (in July, on what would have been their 50th wedding anniversary ) and place (a beach near their home where they had a lot of happy times when they were young parents. We will only have close family there, my dad and my sister and I and partners and children. We will have helium balloons for the children to release, something my mother had particularly requested. I have no idea what we are actually going to say, we are not normally a family given to much verbal articulation of emotion -does anyone have any suggestions for any suitable poems?

cruisemum1 · 24/05/2008 14:54

didoreth - sounds lovely. a beautiful send off for your Mum. i am with you on the poem thing. A friend gave me one which is fantastically fitting though. i can forward it to you if you like....

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diplodocus · 24/05/2008 17:24

Didoreth: his is very well known, but I read it when we scattered my Dad's ashes and it fitted the occasion - not too maudlin.
Death is nothing at all

Death is nothing at all,
I have only slipped away
into the next room.

I am I,
and you are you;
whatever we were to each other,
that, we still are.

Call me by my old familiar name,
speak to me in the easy way
which you always used,
put no difference in your tone,
wear no forced air
of solemnity or sorrow.

Laugh as we always laughed
at the little jokes we shared together.
Let my name ever be
the household word that it always was.
Let it be spoken without effect,
without the trace of a shadow on it.

Life means all
that it ever meant.
It is the same as it ever was.
There is unbroken continuity.

Why should I be out of mind
because I am out of sight?

I am waiting for you,
for an interval,
somewhere very near,
just around the corner.

All is well.

Henry Scott Holland
1847 -1918

cruisemum1 · 24/05/2008 20:14

that is exactly the one i am using diplodocus!!!!!! ;my friend gave it to me when my dad passed away.

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