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I lost more than a baby that day.

(16 Posts)
yolauralee Sat 08-Jan-05 20:30:11

I am a Christian believer and a minister of the gospel. I miscarried 3 weeks ago. People seem to have different expectations for me because of who I've always been. They want me to begin teaching and preaching again, now. After all, it's been 3 weeks. But I'm not sure that I'm ready to give just yet. I'm still sorting all of this out with God, and I don't enjoy being around people just yet. My family and friends have been understanding but they are all more comfortable when I play my "role". They want me to be alright, but I'm just not, yet. How long will this process take. I'm not grieving as hard now for my actual baby - I believe he is in heaven. But I am grieving the loss of who I was. I'm different now. I feel like I lost more than a baby that day... a part of me is gone,and I'm not sure who I am now. Help ?

moondog Sat 08-Jan-05 20:34:13

I am so sorry yll. I have not been in this situation but I can understand that you are now a different person. It will take a while for your pain to lessen, that much I do know. Perhaps your flock should be looking after you for a while?
Thoughts and prayers are with you.


Stripymouse Sat 08-Jan-05 20:36:12

you have my deepest sympathy, I am so sorry you have suffered such a terrible loss.
3 weeks is such a short time for anyone to come to terms with what you have been through, regardless of faith or calling. Give yourself time and space and don’t let people’s well meaning to encourage you to "get back to normal life" create added stress. It seems absolutely normal to mean that you need time and space to deal with all of your grief and many different emotions without having to worry about others vision and needs/expectatons of you.
There are many mums on here who have posted threads of similar feelings of being changed and unable to simply go back to being the person they were before their miscarriage for the sake and comfort of everyone else - maybe they will provide comfort and support for you. Hugs xx

Cadbury Sat 08-Jan-05 20:38:05

Mine too. I'm so sorry for your loss. Maybe you could explain it to your congregation - that you need some more time and their support. Do you have a deputy who could take over for a while? You have already understood the need to let he Lord minister to your pain. I hope you find His peace too.

edam Sat 08-Jan-05 20:38:22

Yolauralee, I haven't been in the same situation, so no advice to offer except look after yourself. Really, concentrate on your needs for the moment, your famliy and friends and flock can get on with their own stuff for a little while.
Lots of sympathy too.

pinkdiamond Sat 08-Jan-05 20:38:38

Message withdrawn

gothicmama Sat 08-Jan-05 20:41:07

It is very hard peopel expect you to recover almost instantly they do not understand how it feels I felt a very different person after all of my m/c's adn ectopic prg It is hard to explain but the feelings do get easier to deal with although they do not go away. Have you had soem form of service for your baby I did this and found it helped alot although it was only me each of teh times dh did not need to go through that proces and it felt right for me to do it. You may never feel like teh old you again in a way how cab you as you have had another experience which has shaped you - when you feel ready to minister than that will be teh right time be strong and kind to yourself and be true to what your body, mind and soul tell you take care peace out GM

Spacecadet Sat 08-Jan-05 20:52:55

I am so sorry for your loss, I have had a stillbirth and 2 m/c's, I have 4 lovely children now but still havent forgotten those babies, you do change, in a way I cant explain, but every one comes to terms with their grief in different ways, it would prob be helpful if someone could take over for a while from you. I still light a candle in our cathedral for my lost babies every year.

miranda2 Sat 08-Jan-05 21:34:36

3 weeks is no time at all - I really feel for you. Maybe people feel they are helping by trying to get you back to work 'to have somehting to take your mind of it' or something, but please don't feel you should be doing what they want right now.

Also, I would say that when/if you do feel yuo want to resume your ministry, do feel free to express your hurt, your questioning of God etc in your teaching, don't feel you should brush it under the carpet and put a nice happy Christian gloss on everything. You'll likely help far more people by honesty and admitting there aren't always easy answers.

chipmonk Sat 08-Jan-05 21:48:28

Hi, I agree that three weeks is still such a short time after the loss of your baby. And only you can be the judge of when to start working again. I also agree that you are never going to be the same person. You had a little life there who was brought to you to teach you something, I strongly believe that, although I am not a religious person. I am not the same person I was before Cameron, I have changed. I value things differently and I've learned never to take anything or anyone for granted. He has taught me some very valuable lessons, and also some that I haven't learned yet. You take care of yourself, take it one day at a time. Karen, Cameron born asleep at 38 weeks 20/04/01

yolauralee Sat 08-Jan-05 23:10:10

Thanks, all of you for your encouragement.DH and I had a service and buried our son a couple of days after the m/c. I have two older sons, turning 16 and 14 years old. This pregnancy was long awaited and felt like our last chance. We were ecstatic. Losing him was harder than anything else I have encountered, and I have been through alot. What is most disturbing to me is the way that people view m/c. It's like they think it's not the same a losing a real child. I want to eventually reach out and minister to others, but right now, whenever I spend time in large groups , I start to feel panicked. I have found comfort at home with my husband and sons, but I know that I can't hide away forever. You all said that it takes time. But no one said how long. I'm guessing that there is no answer to that question.Keep me in your thoughts. I am going to church tomorrow, though I won't be teaching. Thank you all.

Spacecadet Sun 09-Jan-05 17:20:59

yll, a life is alife, whether it be unborn or someone who is 90 years old and in this case that life was your child, allow yourself to grieve for as long as it takes, there is no time limit, you will realise when things feel a bit easier, my thoughts are with you.

Donbean Sun 09-Jan-05 18:11:31

3 years on i feel that i am still affected by the loss to m/c of my 2 pregnancies.
I am glad now because it means that i shall never forget, a tiny part of both my babies is always with me.
I dont think about it much, sometimes weeks will pass, sometimes days. I do think about them though.
Now i have my beatiful boy who is 18 months old now, i feel even more lucky and special to have been given him, even blessed and im not religious.
What im saying, i suppose is that you may never fully heal, you will never forget but your baby is in heaven, with angels and love. your thoughts and difficulties are normal and natural and are part of grieving.
Please be gentle with your self and allow time, please dont be too disheartened by peoples thoughts and comments. God knows ive had them all. It doesnt mean any thing.

yolauralee Sat 15-Jan-05 15:18:04

Thanks to all. I have been taking your advice and just trying to take my time to work through this . I actually had one day this week that I did not cry. Today is the one month anniversary of my m/c. I have decided that I will not put time limits on myself, and just take one day at a time. I did preach this past week to the inmates in my jail ministry at the local jail. I managed, and I must say that it was made easier by the fact that they are new inmates who did not know about my pregnancy and m/c. I am going to be teaching at my own church tomorrow for the first time. I am a bit nervous. I really want to say that mumsnet is a great help and much appreciated. We have nothing quite like it here in the US.

moondog Sat 15-Jan-05 15:20:15

It is good to hear from you and to know that you are managing. Still thinking of you. XXXXXX

(Just knew you had to be an American with a name like that! )

Bunglie Sat 15-Jan-05 15:27:34

I wish I had some practical advice to offer, but I am afraid that I do not.
Just look after yourself and meet your needs. I can see no harm in saying that you get support from a web site.
I was once given a peice of advice and I believe in it, "If it feels right and hurts no one, then it probably is right".
I can only tell you that things do get easier.
Please take care of yourself as this will help you cope. As they say, "A healthy body leads to a healthy mind".
All I can do is send a virtual hug,

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