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I feel alone

(9 Posts)
4kids Fri 07-Jan-05 17:25:04

Nobody mentions my loss. a few friends sometimes but the peeps who really matter i.e my family never do. As soon as the funeral was over it was like Chardonnay never existed ,only 2 me.I'm not afraid 2 talk about it but when i do mention it the subject is quickly changed.Can anyone relate? Its been 11yrs now & the pains just as raw i have gone thru yrs of councelling but feel the same.I'm being crushed by my feelings.

BubblesDeVere Fri 07-Jan-05 17:28:04

I can't relate to what you are feeling, but I can understand you being crushed by your feelings, I feel the same when I think about dad. How old was chardonnay, if you don;t mind me asking.

Beautiful name by the way.

amynnixmum Fri 07-Jan-05 17:28:28

You can talk all you want on here. There is always someone who will listen. Don't have experience of this so cant really relate but sending you big {{{{hugs}}}}

anorak Fri 07-Jan-05 17:34:17

Hello 4kids. I just wanted you to know that there are other mothers using this site who have lost a child. Hopefully one will come along to chat with you and you will be able to discuss your feelings.

So sorry xx

4kids Fri 07-Jan-05 17:36:15

Chardonnay was 10 days old when she died i was 17.I never got 2 hold her untill after she died she was perfect like a little doll it was like it was yesterday.

BubblesDeVere Fri 07-Jan-05 17:37:22

It will be like it was yesterday, things like that stay with you forever, feel free to talk about it on here, I'm sure there are some parents have gone though what you have and are feeling what you are feeling.

4kids Fri 07-Jan-05 17:57:43

Even with all the pain i feel i've learnt 2 cope .Well u have no choice i have other kids now & have 2 stay sane 4 them.I know a few who have lost but all 4 diffo reasons.It hurts so bad.

chipmonk Fri 07-Jan-05 21:52:23

Hi hon, Yes, I know what you are feeling. This April will be 4 years since Cameron died (born asleep at 38 weeks from a Severe Placental Abruption). I expect that the only people who will remember him is me and his Dad. The first anniversary, we got two cards, the second one we got one card, last year, we got none. I have a few online friends who are never afraid to bring him up and remember him on Christmas cards, etc, but no one in our families ever bring him up. My Mom will talk about him if I bring something up to her. When we fell pregnant with Connor, and found out it was another boy, my Dad exclaimed "oh good, now I'll have four grandsons and a grandaughter" He left Cameron out of the equation all together. My eldest two boys, my nephew, Connor and my niece. I was so angry and hurt. I still look at his photographs which we have all over the house, or stand in front of his grave and CANNOT believe this has happened to us. It feels surreal. His grave has just been vandalised for the 5th time. I stand there and can't believe that anyone would do this to any grave nevermind that of a child. I just don't understand people at all. I have written to the paper in the past and my letter have been published, but this time they came out and interviewed me and did a proper story. I told the woman that I am angry because this is MY child, and just like any other woman, I feel fiercly protective of him. I don't think she could really understand that. Take care, Karen x

4kids Sat 08-Jan-05 14:31:31

I shed a tear last night 4 the first time since Chardonnay's bday back in september on the inside i cry all the time.Every day i get up put on a smile pretend i'm ok no one being none the wiser 2 how i really feel.I cant talk 2 my dh about how i feel he feels awkward about it as Chardonnay wasnt his child.I've tried talking 2 him but just like my family he brushes it under the carpet.I'm no longer in touch with Chardonnays father due 2 the curcumstances in which she died.I wish i had someone 2 share the pain with but instead i have 2 carry this huge weight on my shoulders alone.My way of coping is 2 put on a brave face & 2 get on with the day but is this really coping? when i feel like this on the inside i'm starting 2 think that guilt is playing a big part in me not being able 2 come 2 terms with it.But 4 my kids i have 2 appear normal i cant let my feelings affect my childrens lives.

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