Why am I suddenly having these distressing dreams?

(24 Posts)
Sadatthemoment Sat 19-Apr-08 19:06:33

Firstly, sorry for the name change, Mnet is a great place so we suggest it to our friends then realise we can't share stuff like this anonymously anymore!
I lost a good friend a few months ago, we hadn't been as close as we had once been over the past few years but I still regarded him as one of my best mates.
I thought I handled it very well at the time, shed a few tears but other than that got on with the busy life that 2 kids gives you. Dh was very sympathetic at the time but also thinks I'm 'over' it so I can't really talk to him about it (he's bery stressed at work at the moment too).
Recently I've been having these distressing dreams almost every night. they are almost always the same sort of thing. In the dreams it turns out that my friend's partner lied to me and my friend isn't really dead. This happens in a variety of ways e.g. we meet at a party or he rings up out of the blue. I know it sounds silly but they're really upsetting me. I wake up thinking how much I'd love to talk to him again and then, as a result, spend all day feeling sad as I know I can't.
Why has this suddenly started up? What on earth can I do? I don't want to spend the rest of my life feeling like a pile of poo. Any advice would be brilliant. Thanks so much.

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nickytwotimes Sat 19-Apr-08 19:16:21

Sorry to hear about the loss of your friend. sad my experience of losing someone close was my Dad 3 years ago btw. It takes a while for the loss to beco0me 'real'. It was probably quite a shock at the time and I htink your brain allows a bit of distance between the death and the real grieving. It is completely natural for yo uto feel this way even if your relationship wasn't as close as it once was. It hurts to know someone is gone. Your feelings will change over time, honestly it'll get easier. DO talk to your dh and to any mutual friends you had with your pal.
I really think you are reacting completely normally and am sending you a virtual hug!
Also, check out Cruse's website - it's useful too.

Sadatthemoment Sat 19-Apr-08 19:23:01

Thank you nicky, I hadn't thought of cruse. I suddenly feel extremely bereaved but I think I also think (if that makes sense) that I don't 'deserve' to feel this bereaved. After all he was not my husband or even someone I saw every day. Yet somehow I feel horrible. Will try to talk to Dh when he comes back home but I just know that the last thing he needs right now is someone elses problems sad

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nickytwotimes Sat 19-Apr-08 19:30:08

But you're no tjust somebody! smile
I understand what you are sayin gabout not 'deserving' to be bereaved, but I think that is quite normal too. A person can touch so many other's lives. I remember being astounded at the people who attended my dad's funeral and at how they were devastated but it was very comforting as a close relative to know how important he was. The way you feel is perfectly valid. It means he was an important figure in yo ur life.

Sadatthemoment Sat 19-Apr-08 19:31:09

Does anyone know if anyone would talk to me about bereavement via email? I would find it tricky to get to an appointment and I really, really hate speaking on the phone. Would they just laugh in my face once I told them the nature of the bereavement though?

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Sadatthemoment Sat 19-Apr-08 19:31:57

Sorry nicky x posted!

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nickytwotimes Sat 19-Apr-08 19:35:13

Here is Cruse They have an email - might have some kind of email counselling or know where to get it?
I honestly don't think anyone would laugh. I would be devastated to lose a close friend and would need to talk abou tit too.

nickytwotimes Sat 19-Apr-08 19:35:32

sorry for my typing tonight!

Sadatthemoment Sat 19-Apr-08 19:37:00

Thanks for the link Nicky, I'll see what happens when I email them. smile

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artichokes Sat 19-Apr-08 19:37:03

Nobody will laugh in your face if you tell them you are suffering after losing a friend smile.

FWIW I get dreams simlar to yours four years after my Mum's death. I often dream that I bump into her somewhere and realise she never actually died and then I get so sad that she has not been in touch. Then I feel terribly guilty that I have not tried harder to be in touch. Then we start to talk and she tells me she is dying now. Then she dies all over again. They are crazy dreams as we were really close. I think it can take a long time for your mind to fully process the full ramifications of losing a loved one.

Sadatthemoment Sat 19-Apr-08 19:39:09

artichokes, I'm sorry for your loss sad. Do the dreams still leave you feeling very maudlin' in the morning? I can't help feeling they set me up for a bad day iyswim. I spend all day thinking back to the dream and how lovely it was thinking he was still around.

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windygalestoday Sat 19-Apr-08 19:41:07

i get those dreams too and my mum dies 21 years ago i think its like a kind of wishful thinking in your mind and you envisage how life would be if they were still here its very hard to move on cos those feelings are very real and you have experienced them.

bereavement is terrible thing i dont think you ever 'get over it' you just learn to live with it.

Nappyzone Sat 19-Apr-08 19:41:44

I lost my best friend 15 years ago (a long time ago but not to me iyswim) and had and still do have these dreams from time to time - in mine it was her mum who lied about her actually passign away and then like you say then my friend gets in touch out of the blue or in my dream i bump into her at work or in other random places - the next day i always felt awful also but this feeling has lessened alot though i still have the dreams from time to time though not at the same frequency. I always feel really confused as to why they would go along with a lie like that so awful or why this person would lie - mine go through phases where i will have a splattering of the same dream and then none for ages - i find when i talk about my friend to her sister and we share these wacky dreams they seem to go for a while like almost like a councelling session. I feel bazarre just writing this but i know what you mean.

Obviously your loss is so much raw at the moment and beleive me these dreams do lessen and even pass. I hope someone comes along with some help and advice or even a meaning for these dreams as they are still upsetting dream or not.

artichokes Sat 19-Apr-08 19:43:06

Yes, sometimes they haunt me throughout the day. Even though I know they aren't real I often realise that in the back of my mind I am cross that she did not get in touch hmm or sad that we just got back in touch before she died again hmm hmm. I then have to talk myself through the fact that we were close and spent all the time she had together.

It is horrible. I really feel for you. Do try CRUSE.

Nappyzone Sat 19-Apr-08 19:43:55

shock i was thinking i was just odd but am so relieved it is a common dream.......

Sadatthemoment Sat 19-Apr-08 19:47:37

I'm so sorry to hear about all these bereavements and I really thank you for sharing your experiences with me.
Nappyzone - it's good to hear that they lessen over time. I suppose it is a recent bereavement so they are likely to be foremost in my mind. It just seemeed so strange that they started all of a sudden after nothing at all.

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nickytwotimes Sat 19-Apr-08 19:48:04

Oh, yes, I have dreams where my Dad reappears as if he didn't die at all. I find them sad bu ta wee cry on dh's shoulder helps (or whoever's handy.)

Sadat, I am off now as ds requires my services, but I hope you are feeling less alone with your grief? Do try Cruse - they are great. I'll check the thread tomorrow, see how it's going.

Awrra best. smile

Sadatthemoment Sat 19-Apr-08 19:48:37

Yes, it's helpful to know I'm not mad and the dreams are common!

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Sadatthemoment Sat 19-Apr-08 19:50:25

Thank you nicky , I really appreciate your help smile

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Anushka Sun 20-Apr-08 17:50:30

I have these types of dreams too and my Dad died 23 years ago.

I can also relate to the idea that you don't deserve to feel this bereaved and I was only a kid who last their Dad, so I think this is entirely normal and part of the process - I even think that the dreams are a way of helping - almost a cry for help?

Hope you feel ok today.

Sadatthemoment Sun 20-Apr-08 19:54:09

Thank you Anushka, I think you are right, perhaps the dreams have made me face up to my grief?
Today I feel ok, I've been very busy with the family all day so this has meant I haven't had a lot of time to think. I was a bit reticent about going to sleep last night as I didn't want another dream, but, as it was, it was a dream free night. Still dreading going to sleep tonight but there we go.
Is it normal to also feel really, really guilty when you realise that, after a busy day, you haven't felt as sad as you do somedays? That feeling knocked me for six.

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Anushka Sun 20-Apr-08 20:43:02

Yes, I think feeling guilty about everything and anything is entirely normal, but I think this does reduce over time.
Glad you had a good day.

nickytwotimes Sun 20-Apr-08 20:59:07

Hi Sadat.
I'm afraid I'm only on briefly again tonight - bloomin' real life getting in the way of mn! - but i was glad to read that you had a better day. I agree with Anushka about the guilt when you don't feel as bad. It does lessen over time. And you won't have these upsetting dreams as often as time goes by. Sometimes I get comfort from dreams about my Dad, other times it makes me feel really sad, but there are more pleasant dreams now than unpleasant, if that's any consolation. smile

Sadatthemoment Sun 20-Apr-08 21:14:01

Thank you nicky, it helps to know that

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