What to tell DD and DS if Nana doesnt make it through the night?

[Lalisa]

My 88 yr old MIL had what we thought was a minor fall last weekend as we were taking her out to lunch. Once in hospital for a check she deteriorated rapidly. Now the nurse says she might not make it though the night.

DD(4) and DS(2) are very close to their Nana. DD was holding her hand when she fell. They know she's in hospital to make her better but we've never had an opportunity to discuss death with them. We're not religious so talk of angels and heaven won't do. I have no idea what to tell them when she dies, if not tonight, then in the not too distant future.

Any advice?

[Lalisa]

Thanks califrau. I found something really good on the nspcc website as well. Looks like I will need it, she passed away an hour ago. DH was there, holding her hand and she went peacefully. He's on the way home from the hospital now. I'm in a bit of shock, but hope I can be of help to DH and the kids.

[ILikeToMoveItMoveIt]

My thoughts are with you all xx

[Sycamoretree]

Lalisa - my father is days away from death - I am so sorry for the loss of your MIL. I have been reading my DD Badgers' Parting Gifts, to help prepare her (he is terminally ill). It's a little old for her (she is 2.5 yrs) but is the best things I've found. It'll be ideal for your 4 year old. It's apparently one of the most famous books for kids that teach them about death - and it's just lovely. Has also helped me come to terms with the inevitable passing of my father. Love to you and your family at this awful and sad time.

[HonoriaGlossop]

I'm so sorry.

Don't be afraid to be very basic with the children, just to tell them that her body was finished with and couldn't carry on anymore. You can re-assure them that she was very very old. I did this with my ds when his great grandad died, and he did not question more at that stage; so you don't have to get too deeply in to younger people dying or illnesses, or whatever....that will come but it may not be now, your kids are very young.

DS also knows that great grandad was buried as when people die their bodies are all finished with. When we went to put flowers, ds was supremely unconcerned about it all and spent time literally jumping on and off his grave!!! He was only 3 btw!

So I say be matter of fact, be honest. They will ask more questions as time goes on I'm sure. I've always said to ds that nobody actually knows what happens AFTER we die and whether our 'souls' go on and all that; I've said to him that the dead person lives on in US, in our physical make up and in our memories.

So sorry for your loss and hope your DH is ok.

[NAB3wishesfor2008]

I am so sorry.

We lost Great Nanny 2 months ago and my eldest found it really hard.

[HonoriaGlossop]

oh and I meant to say I don't think you have to tell them in a big hurry. Do it when you're feeling ready to be able to do it without getting too upset. Obviously you don't want them worrying for longer than it necessary, of course you don't, but if they have a day or two where they're not asking and they're busy being busy, then I don't think you need feel pressure to tell them...a couple of days won't matter and it might just give you the chance to feel a bit more on top of things and to feel a bit prepared about talking to them. Perhaps you could even prepare them a bit more, if at the moment they think she's in hospital just to be made better....

Of course ignore all this if they are badgering to know how she is and they're worried, I wouldn't advocate not telling them for the sake of it, only if it helps you prepare a bit.

[lottiejenkins]

Might I suggest you contact Winstons Wish?
www.winstonswish.org.uk/
They are excellent for resources to deal with bereavement.

[Lalisa]

Thank you for all your thoughts. I ended up telling them saturday morning over breakfast after DD mentioned making a drawing for Nana. I was very straightforward about it all, and DD was full of curiosity for all the details of what happens when your body stops working, plus the odd question about who will live in her flat and will we get a new nana. It was very strange and in a way refreshing to be taking about death in such a matter of fact way. Cant believe I managed it -- I never could have done it if it was my own mother who had died. I think DH appreciated that I took care of this talk without him there.

Anyway, they seem to be taking it in stride. We went to the library today and DD asked me to find books about dying and we found and read a few in the kids section.

[HonoriaGlossop]

Lalisa, well done! Clearly you handled it brilliantly because the kids were able to be so matter of fact about it and felt free to ask you questions, etc......

Hope your DH is ok

Thinking of you all

[pooka]

Lalisa, my grandmother died on Friday. I think one of the hardest things was telling my dd, who is 4.5. I was worried because abut 4 months ago she went through a big death stage where she wanted to know if she (dd) would die, and was very upset generally about it.
In the end, our conversation was along these lines:

me: "dd, I'm really sorry darling but H died last night. She was very very old and it's very sad because we will miss her"
dd: "Oh. But I liked her"
me: "I know, everyone liked her. And she loved you very much"
dd: "Did she get the card I sent her in hospital?"
me: "yes, and she told me she loved it"
dd: "well that's alright then."

End of discussion. We have previously had long chats about the people that I knew when I was younger, like my grandfathers, and that they have died. Because she asked questions about granny's father and grandpa's father, wondering where they were. It was heartbreaking and one of those terrible moments when she asked if she would die. I don't know if I did the right thing, but I said that she wouldn't die for a hundred years.

But I am glad that she seemed to take the recent news very well, considering. though tonight before bed she said that she didn't want to die like H. And i reiterated the not for a hundred years thing. But my granny was 92. And despite being a big presence in my family, her influence was more distant than your MIL's. So sorry for you.