My baby stillborn at 35 weeks - I'm lost

[cantgetcomfy]

My beautiful baby boy Finn was stillborn on Wed 19th Dec. I was 35 weeks and it was the last thing in the world I expected. I went to the hospital expecting to be told I was having braxton hicks to be told that they couldn't find a heartbeat and that he had died. I was already 5cm dilated and had a further 7 hours of labour before I could hold him.

We have a DS who is 5 and if it wasn't for him both DH and I would have fallen apart but I feel lost. Sometimes I forget what has happened and I still expect to have my labour and my son at the end of it and then it hits that he's already arrived and gone again. My precious boy's life ended before it even got a chance to begin and its breaking my heart. People on the outside looking in must be saying to themselves that we're carrying on as normal but thats our way of coping. We can't have a funeral for another 2 weeks because he won't be back from his post mortum till then and if i don't have some sense of normality for me, my DH and my DS then I know I will fall into a black hole so big I won't be able to pick myself up from it.

I just want him back - its so unfair that he's been taken from us. I feel so guilty but know its not my fault. I'm angry, sad and numb. I'm scared to let myself go because if i do I don't think I'll be able to pick myself up again and my DS needs me. I just want Finn here too!

[belgo]

I'm so so sorry you're going through this, life is so unfair

[franke]

I'm so sorry that little Finn didn't make it. Please look after yourself in the coming weeks and months. x

[Charlee]

Oh sweetheart, what a cruel thing for life to throw at you.
Cry for Finn he is your son and you all deserve to feel your loss.

Love to you and your family. x

[ruty]

i'm so sorry, I send you my deepest sympathies. What a terrible thing to happen. Be easy on yourself and keep your ds close, he needs you. xxxx

[NomDePlume]

You poor thing

Have you been in contact with SANDS ? They are a wonderful organisation.

Thinking of you and your family, cantgetcomfy

[beroWHEEEEEEEEna]

I'm so sorry. Thinking of you all and much-loved little Finn.

[Hassled]

I'm so sorry - I wish I could say something comforting but it all just sounds so trite. I can't begin to imagine what you're going through - no wonder your heart is breaking. And you're right, it is unfair.

[NAB3wishesfor2008]

I am so sorry. No words can ever make it all right, nor can we understand as no one else has lost your dear little Finn.

Don't worry what anyone else thinks. Do what you have to do to deal with this cruel cruel event and try and take comfort from your husband and son and know that Finn is watching down over you and looking after you. He will always be part of your family and life.

A million hugs.

[PeachesMcLean]

You poor poor woman. I'm so sorry for your loss and all the feelings you describe are ones I felt too. I hope the post mortum gives you a clear indication of what happened, I was told that sometimes they don't always find an answer and that must be very difficult. And of course you're in a prolonged awful limbo until after the funeral. Will be thinking of you. Time does really help, though it's difficult to see at the moment.

[sputnik]

This must be the hardest thing in the world

Please look after yourself.

[ScoobyDoo]

Blimey what a heartbreaking situation, i am so so sorry for the loss of your beautiful baby boy Finn thinking of you & your family x

[ATortIsForLifeNotJustChristmas]

So sorry for your loss. Thinking if you and little Finn.

[naturalblonde]

I'm so sorry for your loss. Thinking of you x

[thegrowlygus]

Hi. On the 17th Dec it was 5 years since my first son was stillborn at 26 weeks.

It is so so difficult. Sands are fantastic. www.uk-sands.org/ and I help run a very friendly website which is specifically for those of us in this situation. Drop me an e mail if you would like the address. kpotts at hotmail dot com (but with symbols not words)

I found afterwards that, despite having cared for women following stillbirth through work, I still felt incredibly lonely, as though I was the only person that this had ever happened to. Going on line and finding that others had been through it too came as such a relief.

You won't forget Finn. He will always be with you. But so will the feeling of empty arms, and having a part of your heart and life missing.

Hugs, xx

[brusselbeansprouts]

I'm so, so sorry to hear that Finn is not with you. Please be kind to yourself.

[UniversallyChallenged]

so sorry to hear this. Thinking of you, hope you are able to talk through your feelngs xx

How are your dh/ds coping?

[Twiglett]

I am so sorry for the loss of Finn. It is an immeasurable pain losing a child. Please contact sands and also possibly Winstons Wish can provide some help for dealing with DS' quiestions who will also be grieving alongside you.

I am so sorry for your grief. Of course you want and deserve Finn to be here too. You are right that life is just unfair

[hazygirl]

im so sorry please look afteryourself,xx

[vitomum]

so very very sorry for you and your family.

[ALomonderfulLife]

I am so sorry you have had to go through this. I cannot imagine how you must be feeling

There is nothing I can say that can possibly comfort you but I had to let you know that my thoughts are with you and I hope you can manage to get through this.

Life is so unfair, be strong and don't be afraid to ask for help with your DS so that you can have time to grieve.

Hugs xxx

[melpomene]

So sorry to hear the sad news about Finn. The love you feel for him will always be there, and I hope that your dh's love and ds's love will help you to get through this.

[Izzybel]

Words can't express how sorry I am. Love to you and your family xxx

[ValnBen]

Oh Darling I am so very sorry to hear about the loss of your beautiful son Finn.

I know it will be of no consolation to you right now, but I do understand how you are feeling and the black hole you speak of ? I lost my first born son at 33wks under exactly the same circumstances 6 years ago.

Feel free to contact me on val_anderson2 hotmail com ( replacing the at with @ and dot with .) any time if you wish to chat off board. I?m usually always around.

Take care of yourself ? you will climb out of the black hole ? when you are ready to. Promise.
Love Val.

[merryberry]

My heartfelt condolences to you, cantgetcomfy, and to those who have been throught his before.