SIL's mum is dying, fumbled phone call...

(13 Posts)
MerryKerryXmas Wed 28-Nov-07 16:19:38

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littlelapin Wed 28-Nov-07 16:21:16

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NotQuiteCockney Wed 28-Nov-07 16:21:28

There isn't anything you can say that works, I don't think.

Well, I've not been in your SIL's position (my mum died fast), but it's nice to hear people's small concrete memories of your mum, when she's dead.

But just the fact you're calling, and talking to her, has got to help.

MerryKerryXmas Wed 28-Nov-07 16:23:26

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jangly Wed 28-Nov-07 16:23:44

I think people appreciate it if you just say how sorry you are and, if you know the person, say something nice about them so they realize that others will be sad as well.

MerryKerryXmas Wed 28-Nov-07 16:24:10

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NotQuiteCockney Wed 28-Nov-07 16:27:50

Still, any memories are always nice. I am always really touched when people I know say something nice (but realistic!) about my mum.

(But then, nearly nobody I know met my mum, what with me living overseas.)

littlelapin Wed 28-Nov-07 16:33:16

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Blandmum Wed 28-Nov-07 16:39:24

I agree that you say, 'I'm so sorry that this is happeneing' and then you let her set the pace about what she wants to say next.

From personal experience I know that it is very, very hard to have the same converstation with people over, and over again. It is wonderful to know that they are concerned about dh, but it is so tough to keep giving out very bad news. It very often make you feel 10 times worse, even though you know that was never their intention.

The worst people of all are the one who almost want you to cheer them up, or who are embarassed and want you to pretend that everthing will be ok, to make them feel batter (realise this isnt the case with you, but I feel I have to describe the type)

So sympathy, and listening are often the best ways to help someone.

And if you live closer (I know that you don't but this is a general thing) practical help is a godsend.

onlyjoking9329 Wed 28-Nov-07 21:38:48

tell her you are sorry , allow her to talk and see if there is something practical you can do, childcare, shopping, washing anything that will help.

MerryKerryXmas Wed 28-Nov-07 22:13:28

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onlyjoking9329 Wed 28-Nov-07 22:18:37

send your friend cards and stuff so she knows you are thinking of her, don't worry about what to write in the cards just to let her know that you are thinking of her will help in someway

mashedpotsandbutter Thu 29-Nov-07 02:57:23

My MIL is dying at the moment- she has advanced ovarian cancer and sadly only has weeks left. When we first heard it was terminal we had lots of people enquiring about her health. I actually found it better when people said 'that's so sad' instead of 'I'm so sorry'. I found it easier to respond to 'that's so sad', because it's a statement of fact, whereas when people said they were sorry, I always felt I had to say thank you. Once she's gone, there may not be much more you can say apart from you're sorry and acknowledge her loss and that you're thinking of her.

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