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What things did people say that you wished they hadn't

(98 Posts)
fisil Mon 01-Nov-04 14:53:51

I have found the "What 1 thing" thread very helpful - because you always want to support friends when they are going through rough times, but it is often hard to find something to say.

I know I have said stupid things at times and I was wondering if it would be equally useful (and cathartic) to remember the awful things that people said - so that we know to avoid them!

I'll kick it off with "oh well, apparently everyone loses their second. It's your body's way of telling you it isn't ready yet."

MrsDoolittle Mon 01-Nov-04 14:55:17

OMG Fisil! Did someone say that to you? That's horrendous!!!!

hunkermunker Mon 01-Nov-04 14:56:20

Someone close to me said that you lose your first because it's nature's way of preparing your body and getting you ready to be pg next time. Just pg with my first (and having had a small bleed), I wasn't impressed. He's asleep in his cot now though

The nature's way stuff just annoys me!

PuffTheMagicDragon Mon 01-Nov-04 14:56:38

fisil.

Ok, most unhelpful comment after Mum killed herself: "Suicide is a selfish thing to do."

Was also the thickest comment too.

KateandtheGirls Mon 01-Nov-04 14:57:50

I already said this on the other thread, but...

He's in a better place now.

God has a plan.

He was needed in Heaven.

He's watching over you.

Basically, any heaven references. Maybe if I was a religious person myself these would have helped, but I'm not and they didn't.

Also, a teacher at my daughter's school who found out that my husband had died in the WTC told me "I just wanted to let you know that my husband is in the army and he's in Iraq right now." And this relates to my situation how exactly?

fisil Mon 01-Nov-04 15:01:09

puff, how could someone say that to you? I guess with all of these it is not you they are talking about, it is some personal issue that they are unable to control.

MrsDoolittle Mon 01-Nov-04 15:02:02

Can't believe some of these

suzywong Mon 01-Nov-04 15:03:37

presumably that teacher's husband is vanquishing your foes KATG?????

fisil Mon 01-Nov-04 15:04:05

Actually Kate, I think not, these comments are always insensitive. I am a religious person - the day after my mc I had the vicar round to talk it over with him. He never once said or implied any of those things, and if he had I would have shown him the door!

When I was 18 and my godfather died I was comforted by the thought that my godfather lived with god, but it was a personal thought (a feeling really, more than a thought - it sounds hilarious if you put it in writing), and I would not have found it at all comforting if someone had said it to me.

fisil Mon 01-Nov-04 15:05:53

Sorry, Kate, that sounds like I'm disagreeing with you, and I'm not, I'm agreeing wholheartedly!

tex111 Mon 01-Nov-04 15:06:11

After my first miscarriage I tried to get on with thing and grieve privately. A friend said that I didn't seem to be taking the loss very seriously. My mother also rang me to say that she has decided that the baby had been a girl and that she had named is Savannah. Both really shocking things to say but both mom and friends are a bit bonkers.

suzywong Mon 01-Nov-04 15:06:44

it does all seem to be a matter of subjective interpretation to some extent doesn't it fisil, I mean the comment that upset Hunkermunker I found helped me make sense when I had a mc with my first pg.

tex111 Mon 01-Nov-04 15:07:32

Sorry, terrible typos in my last message!

Marina Mon 01-Nov-04 15:35:46

Fisil, Kate, I too agree that "better place"/"watching over you" etc can also upset you even if you are religious. Like you, our vicar said nothing of the sort and I was relieved he didn't try. at the fool who said that to you about your second pregnancy being expendible...Tom was my second child too.
Well, shortly after he died, a well-meaning friend kept harping on to me about how exactly the same thing had happened to a character in Holby City a few episodes previously and that she had cried buckets etc. Holby City is CRAP TV FGS, how did she think relating what I had been through to a sentimental, badly written piece of car-crash TV was helpful? I felt so reduced and insulted by what she had said it was months before I could speak to her again...and then, like Groundhog Day, up came the subject of Holby City AGAIN. I still hate that programme with a passion. I've managed to forgive the friend, not that I think she has a clue how much she upset me.
Oh, and getting a Christmas card from a friend who knew about Tom's death but hadn't bothered to phone or write, with "Have a fun Christmas" in it, within days of what should have been his due date, was really nice too.

welshmum Mon 01-Nov-04 15:45:01

I was staying with my parents in law when I had my m/c. My MIL remarked that she thought some thing might be about to happen when she'd seen my knickers when she was sorting through some of our washing......(needless to say I had never asked her to do any of our washing)I still haven't managed to forget that remark it seemed so crass and unnecessary.

welshmum Mon 01-Nov-04 15:45:38

Sorry if that was a bit grim. I've never admitted how much it upset me before

Marina Mon 01-Nov-04 15:48:54

It's stuff like that which really gets to you though isn't it Welshmum . [hugs]

Cam Mon 01-Nov-04 16:51:32

When my (grownup) brother died, the most upsetting thing someone said to my mother was "Never mind, you've got 3 other children"

hmb Mon 01-Nov-04 17:04:33

When I lost my first my mother, (my MOTHER FFS!) said' Never mind, what you never had you can never miss'. That was a dig at me for leaving home you understand. I never quite managed to forgive her for that one and it was years before she developed dementia.

cat82 Mon 01-Nov-04 17:24:08

I had a mc years ago, and naturaly was upset and finding a little difficult to get over. I was having a small cry, when my then boyfriend said, very huffily," you don't get this emotinal every time you have a period. It's exactly the same thing"
I found that very hurtful.

jampot Mon 01-Nov-04 17:25:50

My mum had been in hospital after suffering a brain haemorrhage and we got a call just after midnight to say we should get to the hospital. When we arrived mum had already died and the nurse very kindly told me when I asked if she'd suffered another haemorrhage "Yes she filled 3 bags full of blood" A case of too much f*cking information. BTW this was at Birmingham Queen Elizabeth in case any of you nurses work there!

jampot Mon 01-Nov-04 17:26:27

gosh that sounded hard - sorry didn't mean to say it like that. What i meant was "in case any of you know anyone that would say that"

KateandtheGirls Mon 01-Nov-04 17:27:28

These are all awful stories.

lou33 Mon 01-Nov-04 17:33:37

When my mum was dying in the hospice, a "friend" offered to have my oldest 2 children so dh and I could go and see her (took ds1 10 weeks with us)

On the way from the hospice, crying my eyes out she called and asked us how long we were going to be, because her mum was with her, and my dd2 (aged 2) was crying becasue she was tired, and her mum couldn't bear it any longer. Went and picked up the girls, where she proceeded to say she would ahve the girls the next day , but she needed to know how long i would be. I just turned to her and said, "I don't know. How long does it take to watch your mum die?"

Dh ended up staying behind the next day to watch the kids, while I sat with my mum until she died.

DelGirl Mon 01-Nov-04 17:40:21

my mum, rang me 6 weeks after my 2nd m/c. She did know I was pregnant. When she rang she saud, oh, I just thought you weren't pregnant, do they call it a m/c then. Pregnant this time round she rang and asked if I was still pregnant. THe next time she rang she said I should be more positive about the pregnancy!!! I told her as I'd lost my dh and 2 babies in less than 2 years it was a bit hard. We haven't spoken since and I don't we will now . Long long story but i'm better off without.

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