Friends baby dead, full term, last week all was fine

(31 Posts)
Pickie Thu 08-Nov-07 21:05:20

So gutted, she had a scan last week and all was normal. Yesterday no heartbeat. Annoyingly she should have had a c-section at 38 weeks and they let her go home as all was well!! If only.... I really hope they can find a cause

She has had 2 early borns before and numerous m/c and now this! Tomorrow she will be induced and the funeral will be next week!

Am really lost for words!

OP’s posts: |
meemar Thu 08-Nov-07 21:08:27

How devastating. I really can't imagine the pain sad

shrinkingsagpuss Thu 08-Nov-07 21:08:28

sad

So sorry for yuor friend. This is one of those cases when one can be trly releived not to have experience.

Nature does some flipping awful things doesn't it.

Poor lady. hope something positive (useful?) can come out of all of this

beansprout Thu 08-Nov-07 21:08:31

I am so sorry, what an awful thing to happen. I wish her well.

Hulababy Thu 08-Nov-07 21:10:39

This saldy happened to DH's grandad's stepgranddaughter. baby just died at 41 weeks, whilst mum was waiting for labour tos start trying to avoid induction. There was no reason found for the baby dying. It was her first child, not yet had another

So sorry for your friend's loss. It is tragic devasting news.

Pickie Thu 08-Nov-07 21:10:57

and you know what the most awfull thing is, most of her friends including me fell pregnant easy, had reletively straight forward pregnancies and easy deliveries!

will support her(and him and DS) as much as I can but nto sure how.

OP’s posts: |
mumtojess Thu 08-Nov-07 21:12:01

Oh my god, that it just so awful.

I cannot begin to imagine what your friend and family are going through. Sometimes life can be so cruel.

My thoughts are with them all through this most painful time. It truly is not fair sad

Habbibu Thu 08-Nov-07 21:20:59

Hi there,

I'm so so sorry for your friend. It's absolutely heartbreaking. In terms of what you can do to help, the main thing I would say is be there for the long haul. I've posted this elsewhere, but thought it might help you. It's from the SANDS forum, and you're very welcome to post there for more advice:

The following dos and don'ts list is really popular with people on SANDS, so I thought I'd copy it here:

DO’S AND DON’TS

DO acknowledge our loss.

DO realize that our loss is real and our grief and healing process will be painful and take time.

DO offer a tear, hug or sign of love and concern.

DO attend the memorial service or help me arrange one.

DO understand that we ARE grieving the loss of a loved one and we need your love and support.

DO say, “I am sorry about your loss”
“I know this is a hard time for you”
“I would like to help”
“Please tell me what I can do”
“Can I bring dinner over?
“I feel sad”
“I am here if you want to talk about it”

DO make a donation in memory of the baby.

DO bring a book or suggest a web site that might offer some comfort and/or understanding.

DO discuss other topics, since life must go on. However, be prepared that we will probable look at all other life issues light of our loss. Our loss will constantly be on our minds.

DO call a month later (parents never forget)

DO remember the anniversary date with cards and/or flowers.

DO try and educate yourself on what we may be going through – it will help ease your discomfort on the subject as well.

DO NOT ignore our loss.

DO NOT be afraid to offer you love and support.

DO NOT be surprised if we accept your love and support.

DO NOT overlook my husband’s grief – he lost his child too.

DO NOT say any of these insensitive remarks:

* “Anything that starts with at least…”
* “It was for the best”
* “Perhaps it was a blessing in disguise”
* “It was God’s will”
* “It must have been deformed or abnormal”
* “Forget it, put it behind you”, “ Move on “
* “Thank goodness you didn’t have a chance to get to know him/her”
* “Better now than later”
* “You can always have another baby”
* “You have other children”
* “You’ll get over it…”

DO NOT change the subject when we talk about our loss – be our friends and listen.

DO NOT refer to our children as “fetal tissue”, products of conception, embryo, or fetus.

DO NOT try to protect us from the pain of coming home empty-handed by removing baby items from our home. Although we are sure you are well intentioned, it will help us grieve if we do it ourselves at our own pace.

TinyGang Thu 08-Nov-07 21:25:40

sad How dreadfully sad. Poor, poor lady. That seems so cruel sad

Pickie Thu 08-Nov-07 21:26:14

thank you Habbibu, that is very helpful. Will not walk away as know from personal experience how awful it is when people dont know whatto say/do in emotional difficult situations and thus avoiding the person in question!

OP’s posts: |
lomond Thu 08-Nov-07 21:30:03

That is so sad sad

Jojay Thu 08-Nov-07 21:31:18

How terribly terribly sad.

My thoughts are with them

Habbibu Thu 08-Nov-07 21:38:21

Pickie, you sound like a lovely friend. Tomorrow your friend will be giving birth and, strange as it seems, much of what you might do to help may be similar to what you had done if the little one was ok - i.e. you'd ask whether she had a boy or a girl, what they'd named their baby, whether he or she looked like their siblings, etc. Everyone is different - some get very very angry and don't want to talk for ages, others need to talk straight away. My best friend wrote me letters all through the months I cloistered myself away. I treasure those letters, and they're safe in my daughter's memory box. You're a good friend - you'll find the right things to do.

Thinking of your friend, and you.

CalifraundingFathers Thu 08-Nov-07 21:43:14

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lucy5 Thu 08-Nov-07 21:47:57

This is so tragic. The same thing happened to my sil at the beginning of the year. To this day no one knows why her little girl died and she has been told that they never will. What has helped her is being involved with stillbirth groups.

It's very difficult to know what to say or do. I felt awful because i had given birth to my second child a few months before she lost her first.

I had an email from her the other day to say she is pregnant again, she is both thrilled and terrified. Thinking of your friend sad

Pickie Mon 12-Nov-07 13:25:57

well she had the baby by natural birth, and her little girl was 7lbs and completely perfect! Am crying my eyes out here, this is so unfair! Cremation will be tomorrow and only the parents and her little brother will be there.

She said she sort of knew, she felt a hard kick on Sunday and nothing afterwards so as she has been there before although not so far in pregnancy she sort of knew it.

Life is so unfair sometimes!! However she is very positive and wouldnt be surprised if she is going to TCC in the new year

OP’s posts: |
handlemecarefully Mon 12-Nov-07 13:32:49

That's just awful - too many losses to bear

hana Mon 12-Nov-07 13:34:21

how awaul , oiur poor pooor friend

AitchTwoOh Mon 12-Nov-07 13:40:31

oh how unbearably awful, it's utterly tragic. be ready to murder people in cold blood who start to say silly 'comforting' things to her such as are detailed in Hab's post, she'll thank you for it.

Dinosaur Mon 12-Nov-07 13:41:44

Pickie, I'm so so sorry sad.

Your poor friend.

frostythesnowmum Mon 12-Nov-07 13:43:20

sad

Pickie Mon 12-Nov-07 13:46:15

yes wish there was more I could do but will be there for her ,phone only at moment as she lives in Holland so if anybody has any good ideas of what to sent her for her and her family pl do let me know. Please note the parcel will arrive after her baby has been cremated

OP’s posts: |
FoghornLeghorn Mon 12-Nov-07 13:47:27

How awful

Tommy Mon 12-Nov-07 13:48:04

so sad sad

you are being a good friend pickie - she'll need a few of those in the next few months

AitchTwoOh Mon 12-Nov-07 13:48:41

the main thing is being there i imagine, even if it is on the end of the phone. what about a beautiful keepsake card in memory of the baby, not really dwelling on the sadness but concentrating on the lovely moments that she and the baby did share, when she kicked and communicated with her, iykwim?

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