Help for Friend's Daughter aged 7 please

[Whooosh]

I will try to keep this brief.....

My friend lost her brother 3y years ago,he had cancer and it was long and drawn out at the end.he lived his last months with my friend so her daughter aged about 4 at the time saw it all.She also then saw the impact it had on her Mum and Nanny/Grandad.
18mts later,her Mum had a stillborn little girl.They allowed their daughter os see her so she had a sense of closure but again she had to witnedd the grief her parents went through though of course they treid to shield her as much as possible.
My friend has now given birth a few weeks ago to a beautiful baby girl after a hazardous pregnancy.

Anyway,her daughter seems to be really struggling with death and loss.SHe has reall attachemnt issues and whilst she won't talk to her parents,various things have dropped in conversations.She never wants to stay at her nanny and Grandad's any more,for fear of what mey happen to her Mum walking back.She was petrified on firework night that her Dad was going to be injured/killed by a firework.

I just think this poor little girl has been through so much and because she has appeared to have coped it has has come to a head.

She seems to blame herself for everything and because she is such a sensitive,caring child that it is heartbreaking.

Anybody got any idea at all how we can try to help this lovely little girl.

[maggie61]

I have been told that at various ages children need to further explore things that have happened to them. As toddlers and young children they accept death fairly easily but around 7 they start to question it as they have a greater understanding of death.
It maybe that this little girl needs to spend time talking through it all again and help to realise sad things do happen in life . Again around adolescence children may need to explore their feelings around loss again.
When my ds lost his younger brother we were able to use a local hospice, they run an annual workshop for children to work through their grief it is only for 1 day then we all went back one evening ,the children had all made memory boxes so they all proudly explained about the contents, very emotional but also very helpful. My other advice is to find ways to keep the memories alive and to have lots of opportunities to talk about what has happened.
Don,t know if this helps, and sending hugs to your friend and her family.

[Marina]

Whoooosh, the poor child

Hopefully one of these links might help you decide what to do next:

Child Bereavement

Winston's Wish

Both sites offer a lot of good ideas, reading lists etc

My mum is not too good at the moment and it is clear from chatting to ds that he is worried grandma is going to die

He has clear memories of our grief over his stillborn brother when he was three, and I am keeping a close eye on the situation

[Whooosh]

Thank you both for this,I will pass details onto my friend.( for your loss Marina)
She has arranged for little one to see the school nurse for a "chat" on Wednesday and see what she can pick up.
I think she has seen her parents and people around her cry so much she is afraid of saying anything to them which may make them cry.
Her Mum thinks she may open up to me so that will be the next course of action.
Scary isn't it what may go on in these little heads?

[Marina]

Oh bless her Whooosh, I agree. They are so quick to assume that they've somehow caused the sadness or made it worse.
Hope your friend can get some help for her dd.
Badger's Parting Gifts is often recommended on here, although I think that is particularly useful when it is an elderly relative who has died, and ds has a copy of Michael Rosen's Sad Book - but that again is most useful (IMO) for helping a child understand why adults are so sad, rather than helping the child deal with their fears about losing other loved ones.

[jenjenns]

I'm sorry to be so blunt, but I think it is dreadful your friend has put her daughter through this! I lost my last baby and this current pregnancy looks like it is going the same way and both times we have kept it away from our children. I know that they know something is going on but at such a tender and impressionable age it should be dealt with gently as they shouldnt have to grow up with so much emotional baggage. Have you spoken to your friend about your concerns (very difficult conversation I know!) but I think this little girl needs a lot of things explaining to her. My son wouldn't let my husband go to work for weeks after my mums cat died as he thought daddy wouldnt come back either he got very confused, so I cant imagine what going n in this little ones head. Hope for your peace of mind someone can help her. Take care

[Marina]

Sometimes family dynamics and circumstances mean it can't be kept from children though.
Bit hard to conceal a stillbirth from an inquisitive child of three, for example. Especially as we had to cancel a holiday that our suitcases were at the door for.

[speak2deb]

'Lifetimes' is the best child's book about death that I ever read. When I worked in childcare, one of the little girls lost her mother in a car crash and we bought this book to help explain things to her and the other children.

When I found out I was pregnant with DD it was one of the first books I bought, because I knew the subject would come up at some point and I wanted to be prepared.

Here's the link:

www.amazon.com/Lifetimes-Bryan-Mellonie/dp/0553344021?tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-21

[Blu]

jenjenns - I am so sorry you are having a difficult time, and I am sure that you are helping your children get through it all with as little upset as possibe, but sorry, I really baulk at the idea that Whoosh's friend "has put her dd through" all this. It was happening in the family - and there is no suggestion that it wasn't dealt with gently. A 7 year-old would be well aware of a full-term pg, and looking forward to a baby in the family. It is well documented that a 'disappearance' can be deeply disturbing for a child and I don't think that the mother alowing a child to see the baby is burdening her with 'emotional baggage'.

Whoosh - there is a lot of research around 'resilience' in children atm, some led by Barnados - and deals with how children learn confidence again once they have suffered loss. I will see if I can find some. (we are using it at work as one of our projects is with children of asylum seekers - some of whom have lost many family members in traumatic circumstances...but imo the dynamics would be the same).

[jenjenns]

hi, sorry didnt realise she was 7, I thought she was only about 4yrs which is the same as my son. I've currently got a lot of sticky beaks (not even related to us!!) offering to break the news to our children about our loss but I dont see a lot of good in this, it needs time to explain properly. However if she's seven then it is very different and I dont have any experience of this age so I'm sorry x

[Marina]

I'm so sorry you've got people interfering at such a sad and difficult time for you jenjenns, that must be terrible
If children are going to be informed about pregnancy loss/stillbirth/bereavement, it really should be the parents' choice and the parents' responsibility