Census and bereavement

[VienneseWhirligig]

I'm really struggling at the moment seeing adverts for the census. When we moved into our house we were a family of 5 and the first census we completed there was a couple of months after we moved in. The last census, my stepsons had left home (they are in their 30s now) so we were a family of 3. Now this census will just be me and DS, and DH will be erased from the public record. It feels like I'm losing him again because while he exists on the current census data, there is a record of him living with me in our house. From March the official record will not include him and it is really upsetting me.

Maybe I'm just a bit odd to be worrying about this because nobody I have spoken to about it in real life really understands. It is like the only place he still is alive is in the census record now. I don't know if that makes sense to anyone though, I know he's dead, I'm not in denial about that. I really wish I didn't have to fill it in though.

[LouiseTrees]

I get what you mean. But isn’t it better to think he will forever be in public record because old censuses are available to see and this new census is just a new chapter in the history books, an extra chapter which doesn’t replace the old ones.

[VienneseWhirligig]

I guess. I think I just always imagined that this census showing 2 people in the house would be because DS had left home, not because I had been widowed. And I think the bloody awful music accompanying the ad doesn't help.

[user18467425798532]

That makes sense to me.

I'm thinking back on different losses to yours, but I found some of those symbolic moments where it felt like losing them again or reinforcing their loss so intensely painful. The world was moving on without them in it and I didn't want to be dragged along out of the time and space where they had been in my life and I still felt like I could almost reach out to them.

Sometimes I think that the bureaucracy we have around death makes it harder to carry someone's loss and respond to it in natural ways. The bureaucracy wants them "erased" but we still have a relationship with them internally that needs to be respected and isn't.

I get where you're coming from and I'm sorry for the pain you're in. I wish I had something I could say that would make it less awful for you.

[VienneseWhirligig]

Thanks user. I hated having his name taken off the TV licence, the Sky account, the joint bank accounts, too. My nan was widowed in 1977 and her phone bill is still in my grandad's name, but I couldn't do that because the Internet account had to be changed to my name so I could speak to them about the many issues I have with it. The census is the last remaining thing with him as a person on. I'm not ready for this at 42.

[Volcanoes3]

My dad died suddenly on monday aged 62.

I had spoken to him about the census, he said he didn't need help to complete it. Today while I was clearing out his flat, the census worker knocked at the door. I just cried.

He is in my heart. I will keep thinking of him and telling people what a special person he was. I'm sure you are the same with your husband. Do we think about the census apart from when it is collected? Let him live on through you, rather than official records.