My DD was stillborn at 39 weeks on the 21st September. She was due to be born by elective section at 9am that morning but I went into labour during the night before. We went to the hosital, excited and just expecting to have the section a couple of hours earlier. I had felt her move happily the night before at 10pm while I was having a bath. When we arrived at the hospital, the midwife tried to listen into her heartbeat but could not find it. I was not too perturbed as she said the baby could be in an awkward position so she got a mobile scanner unit out and called a doctor. The Doctor spent some time looking at the scan and asked the midwife to call the consultant in from home. At this point I started to panic and the doctor told me she thought the baby had died. When the consultant came in from home, he confirmed it. Our whole world collapsed from that moment.
Things are still very raw, we had Emily's funeral on Friday which was incredibly hard. I have a 2 and three quarter year old son who is a blessing but I do find it hard being around him sometimes as I look at him and just have a feeling of such imense sadness when I think what could have been with Emily - I will never know her as I know my son now. Has anyone else who has lost a baby but already has a child felt that?
All I can think about, even at this very early stage, is getting pregnant and I have been told I have to wait at least 3 months, mainly due to the section scar. Reading some previous postings is making me panic that even when we do start trying, it might not happen for us. I am 35 and worried about this too. Getting pregnant really is the first thing I think of in the morning and my last thought at night and then I feel guilty that I am obsessing about this rather than concentrating on my grief for Emily which is overwhelming but I feel that at least when I am thinking about TTC, I am not drowning in the gut-wrenching grief I feel.
I also have to wait for the post-mortem results but have been warned that they are unlikely to find a cause - I don't know if this is a good or a bad thing.
I still live in the hope that I will wake up and it's time to go and have Emily as planned and this has all been some nightmare................
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Bereavement
Stillbirth at 39 weeks
69 replies
Cozzor · 09/10/2007 11:58
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