Time Heals The Wound but The Scars Remain

[JustMeThinking]

Maybe if I write this down the pain will go away, and if I pause while telling
It?s because my thoughts will stray

I wasn?t bad as some folks thought, I was young and sad and grieving.
Mum had died so suddenly, I didn?t know she was leaving.

Some small comfort was all I sought, it didn?t seem so wrong
to be held and cherished for a while, in the hours that stretched so long.

Twenty weeks and more I kept the secret close to me, so worried I was, and frightened, there was no way out for me

My mum would have said ?you stupid girl, let?s see what we can do?
All the rest were shocked and pointed fingers, as they do.

?You cannot keep this baby, adoption is the way?, they didn?t ask, they didn?t try to see another way.

The weeks and months went quickly by as I worried, wept and cried. .The baby became aa presence, and couldn?t be denied.

Marry the father! everyone said, they couldn?t understand, it was only comfort I?d needed, not a wedding band.

I carried my baby and my shame and at nine months he was born, my heart, my mind and my body broke, leaving me forlorn.

The pain was frightening and I was alone, but I was an unmarried mother and for my sins I must atone.

?We tried our best to save him but I?m afraid your baby died, now don?t you cry it?s for the best, here?s some tea, let?s get those tears dried?

They gave me a bed in a corner, away from other mothers; I didn?t want to upset them, so I hid beneath the covers

They said his lungs just didn?t work, no one was to blame, but I know it was a punishment, adding to my shame.

So adoption papers were not signed, I didn?t give him away, Oh no, he?s always with me, each and every day

When time had passed I married, a kind and gentle man, he didn?t stress about my past, just said ?what?s done is done?

When we knew we were having a baby, we made our plans with joy but never quite forgetting my little baby boy.

A pram we ordered for baby, big and bouncy in navy and white, matching bag and canopy, a broderie anglais delight
Blooming in pregnancy that?s what people said, there was no sickness, no problems, I was just happy every day.

Don?t worry now the doctors said, it?s time to draw a line, last time you were unlucky, this time you?ll be fine.

So I booked a home confinement and the midwife was so good, she?d cared for a friend of mine who said I should book her if I could

I was huge, people laughed, thinking maybe twins? Oh God I didn?t know I was still paying for my ?sins?

So early in the morning on a sunny July day, I called my lovely midwife but she had gone away.

Another came to care for me when my labour pains were strong, but she didn?t seem to notice when things were going wrong.

GP, hospital doctors, midwives and ambulances too, they did their best but could not help and I know that is true.

A baby girl they told me, she never drew a breath, fresh stillbirth it said on my notes, that?s the medical term, I call it death.

_


I never saw my babies, both were full term pregnancies, it wasn?t the done thing then. I used to think I had been dreaming and I would wake up and still have my baby inside me,

There are no graves, no places to go to remember them, so they stay and will always be where they were for nine months, close to my heart.

I have since been blessed with two beautiful healthy daughters, when they were born I still felt I was dreaming and would waken the next day to find they had died. I loved them dearly, but it was a rather distanced love for a long time, just in case the dream ended.
My daughters grew into loving well adjusted people and do not appear to have been affected by my initial feelings.

Yes, today I still think about my lost babies but time blurs the edges and the sharpness of the pain.

For those who have lost a child I hope your today comes and brings you peace.

This is the first time I have ever put these memories into words

Thank you for reading.

[goingfor3]

[VoodooLULUmama]

am so very sorry for your loss of your two babies.... how terribly sad . the poem is beautiful

[heifer]

I hope it helped to write it down, was a wonderful thing to share with us, just sorry that I can't really think of anything to say that will help...

Maybe just a hug...

[hazygirl]

husxx