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Time Heals The Wound but The Scars Remain(5 Posts)
Maybe if I write this down the pain will go away, and if I pause while telling
Its because my thoughts will stray
I wasnt bad as some folks thought, I was young and sad and grieving.
Mum had died so suddenly, I didnt know she was leaving.
Some small comfort was all I sought, it didnt seem so wrong
to be held and cherished for a while, in the hours that stretched so long.
Twenty weeks and more I kept the secret close to me, so worried I was, and frightened, there was no way out for me
My mum would have said you stupid girl, lets see what we can do
All the rest were shocked and pointed fingers, as they do.
You cannot keep this baby, adoption is the way, they didnt ask, they didnt try to see another way.
The weeks and months went quickly by as I worried, wept and cried. .The baby became aa presence, and couldnt be denied.
Marry the father! everyone said, they couldnt understand, it was only comfort Id needed, not a wedding band.
I carried my baby and my shame and at nine months he was born, my heart, my mind and my body broke, leaving me forlorn.
The pain was frightening and I was alone, but I was an unmarried mother and for my sins I must atone.
We tried our best to save him but Im afraid your baby died, now dont you cry its for the best, heres some tea, lets get those tears dried
They gave me a bed in a corner, away from other mothers; I didnt want to upset them, so I hid beneath the covers
They said his lungs just didnt work, no one was to blame, but I know it was a punishment, adding to my shame.
So adoption papers were not signed, I didnt give him away, Oh no, hes always with me, each and every day
When time had passed I married, a kind and gentle man, he didnt stress about my past, just said whats done is done
When we knew we were having a baby, we made our plans with joy but never quite forgetting my little baby boy.
A pram we ordered for baby, big and bouncy in navy and white, matching bag and canopy, a broderie anglais delight
Blooming in pregnancy thats what people said, there was no sickness, no problems, I was just happy every day.
Dont worry now the doctors said, its time to draw a line, last time you were unlucky, this time youll be fine.
So I booked a home confinement and the midwife was so good, shed cared for a friend of mine who said I should book her if I could
I was huge, people laughed, thinking maybe twins? Oh God I didnt know I was still paying for my sins
So early in the morning on a sunny July day, I called my lovely midwife but she had gone away.
Another came to care for me when my labour pains were strong, but she didnt seem to notice when things were going wrong.
GP, hospital doctors, midwives and ambulances too, they did their best but could not help and I know that is true.
A baby girl they told me, she never drew a breath, fresh stillbirth it said on my notes, thats the medical term, I call it death.
I never saw my babies, both were full term pregnancies, it wasnt the done thing then. I used to think I had been dreaming and I would wake up and still have my baby inside me,
There are no graves, no places to go to remember them, so they stay and will always be where they were for nine months, close to my heart.
I have since been blessed with two beautiful healthy daughters, when they were born I still felt I was dreaming and would waken the next day to find they had died. I loved them dearly, but it was a rather distanced love for a long time, just in case the dream ended.
My daughters grew into loving well adjusted people and do not appear to have been affected by my initial feelings.
Yes, today I still think about my lost babies but time blurs the edges and the sharpness of the pain.
For those who have lost a child I hope your today comes and brings you peace.
This is the first time I have ever put these memories into words
Thank you for reading.
am so very sorry for your loss of your two babies.... how terribly sad . the poem is beautiful
I hope it helped to write it down, was a wonderful thing to share with us, just sorry that I can't really think of anything to say that will help...
Maybe just a hug...