Direct Cremation

[tumpymummy]

Has anyone done this? Not actually gone to the Crematorium? DH's mother died at the weekend. We are planning a small memorial service for her and the idea of a direct cremation has come up. Just wondering if anyone else has done it and whether they were happy with their decision or afterwards wished they'd been there? We both hate the bit in a cremation where the coffin disappears so this would be a way of avoiding it altogether. Plus we were there when she died so we have already said our goodbyes to her. Because of Covid most friends cant attend anyway, plus most of family are overseas anyway. Those that would normally attend are coming to the memorial so cremation would literally be 4 of us.

[thesuperfluousone]

I haven't but I wasn't able to go to my dad's funeral for various reasons. I would have wanted to be there if circumstances were different but because we have also been unable to have a memorial service or scatter his ashes it's made it harder for me to deal with. If you do decide on direct cremation then I'd make sure you do have a memorial service or some other event to mark her life.
Sorry for your loss.

[EvilEdna1]

Yes. About 11 years ago we did it for my Dad who died very suddenly. 5 years before that my mum had died and Dad hated the whole experience of the funeral. I didn't find it a useful experience either in terms of grief so my sister and I opted for direct cremation and then his ashes were buried under the same rose bush in the crematorium gardens as mum's. No regrets at all. It's what he would have chosen. No judgement from the funeral directors either.

[FluffyFluffyClouds]

A friend did. His Dad had outlived most of his friends and was always thrifty, so direct cremation, with an extra discount as the undertaker found a cheap slot somewhere, was indeed what he would have wanted. I understand he is now in the garden.
Friend says "hello Dad!" whenever he passes by on his way to the weeding.

Did a very simple burial for my Mum and had the memorial (pre COVID) later, no regrets there.

[Pipandmum]

No I had the service at the crematorium for my father and my husband. I found the but where the coffin disappears very moving and really like a good bye - I'd want to do it even if I was on my own. I scattered the ashes later but the ceremony was important. There was a memorial service held a few months later attended by 100s - that wasn't the same at all.
But you do what you feel is best for your family - times are different now.

[iamMadameX]

I did for my mum a year ago, it was her wishes as my Dad had died 6 months earlier and had a funeral and my mum didn't want that for her, we discovered she had cancer 4 weeks before she passed.

We are not a big family and most off her friends were no longer with us.

We did have a small family meal together after we spread her ashes at a later date, same place as my dads

I don't regret it, I was with her when she died and nursed her in her last weeks so felt I had said my goodbyes.

I did struggle with her being on her own but I know I was being silly and she wasn't there anymore, she's in your heart and memories. I feel funerals are for the living and to show off and the cost is ridiculous

If it will only be a small attendance at the cremation, I think it will be better to get all together and have a memorial, remember her that way. Especially in these difficult times, sorry for your loss.

[Annabelle0101]

Sorry for your loss. I actually went to look around a crematorium where direct cremations are 'the norm', as my business is linked to this. I was most reassured that everyone is treated with the utmost respect, there is constant checks in place, and there is absolutely no risk of mix-ups or not getting your loved ones ashes back to you. It was a very calm, peaceful and relaxed environment, and the staff there were very caring and pleasant. I wouldn't hesitate to tell you it will be OK.

[CMOTDibbler]

Both my parents have died since lockdown, and we decided on direct cremation for both of them as it would have just been me and my brother. No regrets, and we are going to put their ashes under a tree together when we can have a bit of a celebration of their lives with other people there.

[Snowpatrolling]

I’m having a direct cremation. I’m just looking into plans for it now actually.
I don’t have a lot of family, and it’s just me and the kids.
My friend got upset with the idea as she wanted a way to say good bye which I understand, but I don’t want so called family at my funeral crying crocodile tears (or making sure I’m dead! Lol! Told her to take the kids for dinner and laugh at the good times!
One of my clients have done this aswell with a lot of backlash from her family but it’s what she wants.
So much cheaper and I hate funerals at the best of times.

[samandcj]

We did this for mum - 12 months ago. It was a straightforward process. We are a small family. No regrets at all.
The only small "blip" was telling mum's neighbours that there wouldn't be a funeral. They told me that they all got together to "raise a glass to mum".
We did hold a family celebration a few months later - this was a happy event.

If I could choose, I would definitely want a direct cremation myself.

[Houseplantmad]

I also want one and would be happy for some sort of get together such as drinks to take place to mark my departure but don't want a formal funeral, particularly as I'm atheist.

[33goingon64]

My sister's FIL died of Covid and he was directly cremated. The Family are fine about it. They would never have chosen it had circumstances not been as they are. It helps that none of them believe in anything that would make it feel dishonourable to not be there at cremation (Not explained very well, I suppose I mean that when you're dead your body is not the important thing anymore - not everyone feels this way). They'll have a memorial/wake when we are allowed to gather again.

BTW, I only learned recently that it's totally up to the Family how a funeral should go - you don't have to have any curtains or rolling coffins, or any statements if committal or whatever.

[StopGo]

Had a Covid-19 cremation for DH earlier this week. Just DC and me. No service just some background music. It worked for us.

[Beamur]

FIL last year, for various reasons. It was a good experience, the company were nice to deal with and it was efficient and not expensive.
It's what I wanted to do for my Mum but got persuaded otherwise. I wish I had used direct cremation as even the nicest crematorium is a bit grim.

[cabbageking]

We always have the curtains drawn so you don't see anything.

You can ask this part comes after you leave the room.

[echt]

Stopgo

So sorry for your loss.

[BasiliskStare]

@Stopgo - Oh all best wishes and thoughts with you


@tumpymummy - re your question - my DH and his siblings did this for his father and my friend did it for her husband. For FIL it was because he had gradually lost contact with a lot of his friends - so direct funeral ( they tell you what time it is going to be - so DH & I went and sat in a lovely garden near to us when it was happening - Fil lived about an hour and a half away ) and then we collected the ashes - spread them where MIL's were and had a family meal with siblings and Uncle and Aunty and reminisced - No regrets at all from anyone My friend just " didn't want a fuss" . She did the same and took his ashes and scattered them on a mountain the two of them used to go to & then when she was ready she had a gathering of family and friends ( not a formal memorial ) . In both cases I think there were no regrets . Of course a direct funeral is much cheaper by a long chalk but I don't think that is really the point. If you want something small and more intimate - then I think a direct funeral and then a personally organised thing afterwards can be much more meaningful , especially if so few people can attend.

But - your choice - I can only give you these two examples where the main people involved thought it worked fantastically. There was an eyebrow raised by Uncle with my FIL but he wasn't in charge of organising it and I think he actually agreed it worked very nicely

All best to you - whatever you decide. Personally ( not my choice ) with 4 people I would go for it and do something personal afterwards - but as I say - it is nice to know when it is happening and sit quietly and reflect at the time

All best whatever you decide

[stellabelle]

My sister-in-law died a few months ago and we did this. She'd been living rough for years and not in touch with anyone, which was very sad. Nobody wanted a big funeral, so we decided on direct cremation. When her son got the ashes, we all had a little get-together at the beach and scattered the ashes in the ocean. It was very nice and simple.

[BasiliskStare]

Ah @stellabelle - not quite the same thing , but MIL had a " proper " funeral and FIL kept her ashes , after his direct funeral DH & siblings scattered the ashes in the sea in the town where they ( MIL & FIL) met and had grown up. Something lovely about them being in the sea & then all direct family went for a lovely meal and reminisced.