My son

[Greentrees33]

My son was born 4 months premature in February. He lived for 45 minutes and then died on my chest. I tried to force myself to stop the contractions but My body failed him. I failed him. And now night after night I can’t sleep. I sometimes stay awake until early hours of the morning thinking about him. Some nights I’m too exhausted by the lack of sleep so fall asleep by 11pm.

Tonight I am struggling. I can’t stop thinking about him and hoping he was still safe inside me where he belongs. I have yet another headache and am feeling nauseous and can’t stop crying but I just can’t sleep.

I know the pain won’t go away but does this lack of sleep ever get better? How do I cope, how do you/have you coped?

[NaomiFromMilkShake]

I am so sorry, please please please, be kind to yourself, grief is not linear and every day will be totally different.

[alittlehelp]

I am so sorry. I truly hope you find some peace and rest. Please know that you did not fail your son, you carried him and held him and loved him and you could not have done anything more. You did keep him safe. I am so sorry not to have some more specific advice on sleep but I wanted you to know that I am thinking of you xxx

[Lulu1919]

You didn't fail ....it's sad and horrible and I'm sorry I can't help but couldn't read your post and not send love x

[Blurpblorp]

I'm so sorry for your loss I don't speak from a similar experience but I've no doubt you will sleep eventually. You sound like you're carrying a terrific emotional burden, your mind must be so full and racing. You did your best which is all any of us can ever do. You would not have chosen for this to happen.

One of my best friends lost her son at a few months of age. I know from her that it is possible to move forward with your life and be happy again. Don't fight this pain, it's necessary now.

Go easy on yourself while you're not sleeping; speak nice words to yourself in your head, eat when you fancy it, nap if you want to. Sending so much love to you OP

[thenamesarealltaken]

That is so sad. You have to let yourself feel, don't try to stop it. Take time and don't expect too much of yourself. It's awful to lose your baby. Your body did not fail your son though. I hope you can get support, and reassurance of this.
You will never forget but you will start to feel differently in time, when it's not so raw. Put something on TV or phone or tablet, lay down in bed and focus on what you're watching. Good sleep, good diet, some exercise, keeping house in order, etc., might help you over time.
Maybe create a memory box for him, if you haven't already, if you can.

Let yourself feel as you are. X

[Sweetpea1532]

@Greentrees33
I am so very sorry that your precious little one died after 45 minutes. I will hold your worries and sadness for you while you get some rest...even if you only can sleep for a few minutes. and i promise to hand your worries and sadness right back when you are ready for them.

This happened to me 27 years ago...it will get less painful, but you will still keep a place in your heart for him. What is the name you chose for him?

[fluffyegg]

I'm so sorry for the loss of your little boy I will be thinking of you and him , sending love x

[mrnimmanimma]

My son died at 32wks in utero 4 years ago.

He only ever knew my love, it was perfect and complete. A life is not measured by its length but by its quality. Your child knew the warmth and love of you it's entire life. It was very short, but very perfect.

The pain will ease, accept it for now.

Love to you xx

[Georgina125]

I'm so sorry for your loss. My son died shortly after birth 2 years ago. He was born at 28 weeks and it was just too early for him. Like you, I struggled massively with guilt and felt I had let him down. I've had a lot of counselling since then and I can say wholeheartedly that this is not your fault. You never would have chosen this and you would have done anything for him. I know you will struggle to be kind to yourself right now but please try because you deserve kindness. Imagine if this had happened to a friend of yours, would you blame her for even a second? You absolutely would not and you would only want to shower her with kindness.

The pain is so very acute but I promise you will find a way to move forward, carrying your son in your heart with you. The love will always be there and the precious memories. You are still his mother and he is still your son. I recommend the SANDS forums if you haven't found them already.

So, what has helped me is to have lots of counselling (find a counsellor who specialises in bereavement and don't be afraid to change counsellors if it doesn't help) and to talk lots to the people I trust most. I am easy on myself if I have a hard day and let myself do whatever I need to do. I wear jewellery which is linked to my son (handprint necklaces, lockets, earrings made of the buttons from his baby hat) and I have a photo of him on my desk. It helps me to feel like he is always with me. Important advice: don't be afraid to take help when it is offered. The people that love you want to help and it's fine to accept this.

You have survived such a terrible thing and you will gradually feel better. The grief is always there but becomes more of a companionn and part of who you are. You will find happiness in small things again and you will start to smile. It will take time and you shouldn't push yourself sooner than you are ready.

[ToLiveInPeace]

I'm so sorry for your terrible loss and so sorry that you are suffering in this way. You gave your little boy so much love and it is not your fault that he was not destined to survive beyond those precious minutes you had together. Please take the advice of a previous poster to seek grief counselling and please talk to your GP as well. Take the best care of yourself because that is what you need and deserve.

[Bestbe]

I’m so so sorry. I lost my daughter she was stillborn at 34 weeks. It’s so hard and so heartbreaking. You did nothing wrong sometimes nature is a bitch. Have you been in contact with SANDS. Lots of support there. Your beautiful boy wouldn’t have been in pain or suffering. It just wasn’t his time. I’m so sad for you. We don’t talk enough about pregnancy loss but you aren’t alone.
He will always be your boy and you’ll always be his mummy. Please talk to SANDS and your GP.
Cry for your son as much as you need and try to think of ways to memorialise him. Let people support you. Try to remember this wasn’t your fault. I’m so so sorry for your loss. There are a lot of us around who remember our lost children everyday and we have our arms around each other. Bless your beautiful boy.
Xxx

[ChakaDakotaRegina]

I’m so sorry for your loss - that is utterly heartbreaking.

Please know It was not your failure and not your fault. Your brain is trying to make sense and get control of the situation but those thoughts aren’t true.

Can you ask your GP for some sleeping pills or anxiety meds for a few months maybe?

Please tell us more about your beautiful baby if you want to. Xx

[Greentrees33]

Thank you all so so much. I have really struggled the last few days and haven’t been able to come back to this thread as I’ve tried to put it out of my mind and give myself a little break. It’s helped a little and I’ve slept much better than I have for many months.

I agree every day is different and that is how I’m taking it. I am on maternity leave and thank god for it. I’ve needed every second of it. I’ve let myself sob and cry, in private and public. I just don’t have the energy to care how I’ve looked when I’ve had a breakdown going for a walk in the park and I’m reminded my baby isn’t inside me.

We named him Zain. We were fortunate to have spent the night with him by our side in a bereavement room. We cuddled him and told him about ourselves and his aunts, uncles, cousins grandparents. We were given a memory box And have prints of his hands and feet amongst other things like the tiny blanket we wrapped him in. I have a picture of him next to me a full head to toe. I examined every part of him
When he was born and saw him tiny heart beating away furiously. He was so strong and didn’t deserve this.

@Blurpblorp I’m so sorry for your friends loss. It truly is the worst most encompassing grief i have ever felt.

@Sweetpea1532 thank you for holding my worries. Funnily enough, as soon as I wrote that I fell asleep. Like I just needed to unload.

I am so sorry to hear This happened to you 27 years ago. I can’t imagine what the past 27 years have been like for you. Do you do anything to remember your child by?

@mrnimmanimma I’m so sorry. your words are one of the strongest words I’ve read. I hadn’t thought of it that way but it brings me great comfort. Thank you thank you thank you.

@Georgina125 I’m so sorry and I’m sorry you understand the guilt so well. My husband and I have had a few sessions of counselling and it’s finally starting to help. I too wear jewellery linked to him, it brings me comfort too.

@Bestbe, I’m so sorry to hear about your little girl. Nature is a bitch. Our kids should be here with us and they’re not and that is so so wrong.

Sending love and virtual hugs to everyone who has commented on this thread. Thank you

[HollowTalk]

He only ever knew my love, it was perfect and complete. A life is not measured by its length but by its quality. Your child knew the warmth and love of you it's entire life. It was very short, but very perfect.

@mrnimmanimma That is such a beautiful post.

[teabaseddiet]

So sorry OP. I lost our twins because they were born 4 months early. It was a terrible shock and I still think of them, even though it was over 6 years ago.

All you can do is give yourself time, speak to other bereaved parents through SANDS or similar.

Have you had a follow up appointment with the hospital to find out reasons for his premature birth? It may help to do this to see if there's any reason that they can do something about if/when you wanted to try for another baby.

I went on to have another, it doesn't replace the baby you've lost, but it does give you another focus.

Sending you lots of love

[mrnimmanimma]

@Greentrees33

I'm glad you found the words of comfort.

I discovered Taoism not long after losing my son and it has given me great comfort and my words stem from my understanding of life not in the context of time but in the context of being.

In Taoism we are all one and the same, so for me, although there is my human pain of missing him, there is a comforting knowledge that he is everywhere, in everything.

Life became much calmer for me once I recognised this.

[Sweetpea1532]

@Greentrees33
I'm glad you were able to get some rest.
Thank you for your kind words...I do have a memory book, but he will always be in my heart so I don't look at it very often..I always think of him on the date when he was due , July 23 and at random other times from time to time during the year.
Take care