Almost 1 year ago since my dad died

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This is just going to be somewhere to write out what I haven’t been able to say anywhere else.
1 year ago at end of April, my dad died. He choked to death whilst eating his dinner and though he was resuscitated, he’d been dead too long so we switched off the life support a couple of days later. He was 68.
My dad was often distant, was cruel at times and took little to do with me and my life, but there were moments and sparks of kindness, he left us when I was around 5 and we spent weekends travelling to be with him and weeks with my mum.
I dipped into severe anxiety this last year, I’ve made a fool of myself at work by crying, being needy and over trusting people who have then been cruel and dismissive. I feel like an outsider but feel trapped where I am, it helped with current situation. I often don’t like myself very much.
My family never ask how I’m doing, I’ve always been the ‘strong one’. My DH is great, but because I wasn’t so close to my dad I’m not sure he understands how I feel sometimes.
It’s almost like I was given 3 months of grieving and then just expected to get on with it. No one seems to show kindness or empathy and coming up to this 1 year anniversary I feel the anxiety creeping in and a doom like feeling that things will not be okay and I will lost everything.
I’m bored of this and want to break this cycle.
Anyway, not sure what I am asking by posting this really, just needed to get it out. If anyone is able to share anything that would be kind. Xx

[ParkheadParadise]

Sadly I think that is quite normal. Everyone moves on and you are left to deal with your grief.
Dealing with a death really showed me who is there for you when you need them, sadly some people I thought were good friends were anything but.

Have you thought about counselling?

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Thank you. I did have some counselling and it helped a bit. I guess you a right, but all my friends and most of my family decided not to be there.
Hopefully in time I can rebuild things and make new friends.

[ParkheadParadise]

I really hope you can rebuild things and make new friends.
1 year is still early days for you to be over the death of your dad.
Take care.

[itswonkylampshade]

OP, I just wanted to post to say you’re not alone

My precious Mum died a year ago tomorrow and there isn’t a day that goes by without her in my thoughts. I’m also the “capable” type and have found coping with normal life really hard since she died. It’s like I’m still trying to process it all. Her death wasn’t sudden; like your Dad’s, but it was traumatic in other ways and I think there must be a legacy in terms of the shock and sense of being unprepared for something like this? I’ve also been really disappointed by some friends and family members who were all over us for the event itself but then just dropped us afterwards. It’s like being cast adrift, somehow.

[mommybear1]

Sorry for your loss OP you are not alone

[Blahblahblahyadayadayada]

I lost my dad 2.5 years ago. It all feels different with him not being here. Not sure if it helps but the world and life for me is just different. It’s not that the grief goes, but it changes. I was very lucky to have had a wonderful dad and whenever I can, I just think of all the happy memories we have of him.