DSis died two years ago after a very long, cruel illness. She was in her 40s, lost mobility, sight and had early onset dementia caused by radiotherapy. She had to go into a nursing home because of the level of care needed. She was a single parent to two teenage children.
I was with her when she died. It was a privilege to be there. However, every day I think about what happened next. An A&E nurse friend told me that they never tell relatives that the patient has died; they tell them to come to the hospital.
After DSis died, I called her children and asked them to come to the home. It was 30 miles away and would mean a 18 year old leaving work and driving, collecting his 16 yo sister en route. I told the care staff what I'd said and they told me to call back to give them the news of their mother's death. My instinct was not to, but thought they knew best. Both were very upset; my niece was hysterical and on her own. Heart breaking.
When they got to the home they were in bits. It was obviously going to be a difficult day, but I feel that by not going with my instinct I made it so much worse. (and it was sheer luck that nephew drove 30 miles without an an accident on a bad road in that state).I know it's in the past and nothing can be done now, and both have coped remarkably well, but I keep getting flashbacks to that day.
What is the protocol? Maybe there isn't one?
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Bereavement
Trigger warning - telling children of parent's death
MarchMare · 09/03/2020 11:12
I was a nurse. I learned from more experienced staff to phone and say that the patient had “taken a turn for the worse” and ask people to come in and tell them once they arrived. It was thought it would be better for them to be told in person. However I sometimes found that people would rush in, expecting to say their last goodbyes only to find they were “too late”. It often resulted in very upset and sometimes quite aggressive relatives. I moved to giving the news over the phone. I feel it let people prepare and be able to decide what they wanted to do next. Whether they wanted to come immediately or later or sometimes not at all. There is no protocol. You did what you believed to be best and that’s ok. Can you talk to them about it now and see how they feel?
I’m sorry for the loss of your sister 
God I’m so sorry to hear what your sister went through. Too awful for any words 
You have no need to feel guilty.
Have you spoken to a professional about how you feel ?
I think you sound as though you have PTSD. You are showing classic symptoms such as the constant flashbacks and replaying it over and over in your mind.
It may help to talk to them both together. Explain that you wanted to wait until they arrived but the nurse told you to tell them the truth. Tell them you’re sorry if it made things worse and then remember that the truth is, nothing can make hearing that any better. Their mother would still have been dead, still died the same day etc. Then perhaps consider some counselling for your own grief which seems on hold due to your (misplaced) guilt.
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