Finding 'me' again following bereavement

[Skyline1209]

I've spent many years caring for members of my family who had various life limiting illnesses. This has been all consuming and exhausting and impacted on the choices I've made in life. This year has been hard as these family members have died including my DH.

I've spent so many years thinking of others that I now realise I don't know who I am. I don't know what I like, my opinions, my interests. Everything has always been done to put others comfort and consideration first. I would love to plan a holiday but don't know where would interest me, I might be in a position to move house in a few years but wouldn't know where to move to. I know the generic answer is to 'join clubs' but I wouldn't even know what my interests are. I also have two young DC's with limited childcare options and limited money.

With a new year and new decade round the corner I suppose I just want to find out from others the small steps you've taken to rediscover who you were.

[Amammi]

I just went with fake it till you make it - my Dad has had a neurological disease for years and on top of that had a stroke which resulted him going to hospital for months and from there to a supported care setting 3 years ago.
I was supporting my mother in this - doing long drives after work 2 nights a week to bring her to the hospital whilst also working a 5 day job over 4 days and also juggling teenagers and my own (minor but significant) health issues. When she got her cancer diagnosis shortly after he went into the nursing home I brought her to all her tests, ops and chemo and she lived with us with support from careers and the hospice outreach team.

When she died this summer I was a wreck and even now months later I am still not back to myself. I got some Vitamins and supplements and a flu shot to survive this winter as I feel flattened.
I make myself drink water every day and get some daylight on my skin by walking at lunchtime even though I've not got any interest tbh. I'm just shuffling along but I log my steps off the phone and just take it day by day.
Now I'm out and about more I have got over the wariness of bumping into sympathizers - you are a 5 minute wonder and people move on quickly to telling you their own troubles.
At first I found it hard when people asked how I was - now I am shocked as no one asks.

It's early days for you so be gentle - just do nice stuff like a bubble bath and smelly candle if you can't get out of the house.
I find listening to funny books on the phone when I go walking is good when I need a buffer zone and want to stop the loop of thoughts running in my head.
Maybe a few things to listen to at home to lift your mood might be good?
I'm going to start a Zumba class now I've been walking daily for 3 months as I'm a bit fitter and stronger now.
You will find your way just go easy at first xx

[Christmasgrinch234]

I've been in a similar boat - life revolving around others 24/7 to having to occupy my 'own' time.

Force yourself to be spontaneous - something I used to be but then couldn't be as everything had to be planned. Look on trip advisor/groupon for various things to do - it might not be your new found hobby but it may fill a little bit of time.

maybe reflect how you would like your life to be in a year/5 years/10 years? Would you like more money? more pride in the work you do? Give back to the community? I find it easier to work backwards.

Give yourself a break, don't be too harsh with yourself, you've done amazingly these last few years and your new lifestyle is going to be a shock to your routine. Be kind to yourself.

Maybe start a bucket list of hobbies, even if you think you might not want them just write them down geo catching, open water swimming, gardening, making sushi, visiting cities etc etc. Don't tell your kids what you're doing but at the same time it will get them used to doing new things.

As I said. Be kind to yourself.

[BackforGood]

Would it be worth contacting someone like WAY ?

I am so sorry for your loss. So difficult at any time, but with young dc it adds another layer.

[PermanentTemporary]

It's a strange time but can be oddly open and freeing. I hope it works out.

I tried stuff and said yes to invitations without question. I went to see a band (first gig for 20 years or so), went to talks, asked people their favourite books and read them.

Nothing has to be forever. If something sparks even a moment of interest, follow it. Exercise has been my best thing - I have done some amazing ling walks that I have loved.