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Late misscarriage at 20wks, how do you cope?

(57 Posts)
Dece Wed 22-Aug-07 20:55:03

At 20 wks I found out that my babys heart had stop I was devastated and still am! Life feels like it will never be the same again. Everyone says time heals but for me each day seems to be getting harder and harder especially as her due date is approaching (5th sept 2007)! I feel like everyone is moving on but I cant its like I am stuck in the past! I visit her grave lots I just wish I could of done something to stop her from being taken from me, I feel so bitter and jealous towards every women who is pregnant or has a new born! I feel so alone there is no one I know who understands the pain I have constantly! please help

berolina Wed 22-Aug-07 21:04:32

I'm so very sorry for the loss of your daughter.

I do not have your personal experience, and so cannot truly understand your pain, but I have had three early mcs and a dear friend suffered two very late ones. She now has a little boy and is 35 weeks pg again.

The due date will be a milestone in your journey of grief - it may get somewhat easier 8which I know is a relative term) thereafter. Do what you need to to mark the day.

Do not feel under pressure to 'move on' - grief is a very individual thing and does not adhere to simple timelines.

Thinking of you.

Pinkchampagne Wed 22-Aug-07 21:05:24

I'm so so sorry to hear of the loss of your baby. I can only begin to imagine your pain.

you will find lots of support on here, and there are people on here who have sadly been through the same.

Have you thought about contacting SANDS? They may be able to offer you some good support.

Again I am so sorry for your loss.

Dece Wed 22-Aug-07 21:18:21

Thankyou, I havent tried SANDS yet, its just not fair, my cousin is in labour as we speak and the though of having to see her is making me feel sick, I dont want to feel like I just want it to be me holding my baby not everyone else holding theirs

Marina Wed 22-Aug-07 21:53:08

Dece, I found out my son had died at a 20 week scan too, five years ago to the day actually
I am so very sorry your daughter died too.
SANDS really can provide support to you, possibly matching you with a local Befriender who specifically knows about late miscarriage. Call the Helpline at the office when they are open, they were so helpful to me in the same situation. Your hospital really should have helped you make contact
The first anniversary of the due date is rotten tbh and the first anniversary of the delivery of your baby too, IME
But, a very good friend who was at Tom's funeral and was a rock to us afterwards, told us that the grief stays raw and strong unpredictable for a year, and a day...and then, little by little, you are able to manage it better, and weave it in to your daily life, and not be thinking of your baby all the time.
I didn't really believe her to be honest, so I wouldn't blame you in the slightest if you don't believe me. But it turned out she was right.
I had bereavement counselling for most of the first year after he died. It was extremely helpful, but I was very lucky to get it free through work. It costs a lot, sadly. But I'd still recommend it if you can possibly afford it.

mrsdarcy Wed 22-Aug-07 22:14:49

I'm very sorry about your daughter's death, Dece.

I found out my daughter had died when I was 19 weeks pregnant. She was due in September 2004.

From my own experience, the way you are feeling is normal - it's certainly how I felt. I was a basket case throughout the summer and couldn't bear seeing pregnant women or new babies.

I found SANDS very helpful, although I called them only the once. I was fortunate to have a very supportive midwife who spent a lot of time with me in the lead up to September and after that too, as I became pregnant again in the October. I also had counselling at the hospital from about halfway through the subsequent pregnancy.

I felt compelled to talk about how it had happened, the labour and funeral. Do you have anyone you can talk to? Would it help to tell us more about it? There are, sadly, lots of people on MN who have had similar experiences and who will be here for you with their love and sympathy.

Thinking of you today, Marina and have said a prayer for you and Tom.

Pinkchampagne Wed 22-Aug-07 22:16:35

Thinking of you too, Marina.x

berolina Wed 22-Aug-07 22:19:56

Marina My thoughts are with you.

hertsnessex Wed 22-Aug-07 22:23:01

thinking of you marina, and tom.

cx

hertsnessex Wed 22-Aug-07 22:24:13

dece,

i didnt have such a late mc, but i agree that after the due date is past, everything comes a little bit easier.

cx

goingfor3 Wed 22-Aug-07 22:28:48

My first baby was born at 20 weeks 7 1/2 years ago. I still find it very hard especially as I had another late m/c recently. After it happened I hated seeing pregnant women and wanted them to suffer as I had which is an awful thing to say but I just couldn't cope with my grief. Nine months after I lost my first baby I was pregnant again and straight away I snapped out of my depression and mean thinking though the sadness and pain has never gone.

I really enjoyed my first pregnancy but haven't been able to do do since due to the worry something will go wrong.

I'm very lucky now to have two healthy girls who were born at term.

scienceteacher Wed 22-Aug-07 22:33:22

I don't know how a later miscarriage rates vs an earlier one, but what helped me was when DS was born. Had the miscarried pregnancy continued, then I wouldn't have DS, and it is very hard to think of not having one of your children.

RahRah1 Thu 23-Aug-07 09:35:53

Hi Dece, So sorry to hear about your precious daughter. I lost my son at 24 weeks in Nov 06 and it is truly the most devastating experience. Your feelings are totally natural and its so hard when family members then go on to have healthy babies. (my SIL had her's 2 months afterwards and it had a major impact on me). When I am feeling particularly low, especially about feelings I am having towards others I often log onto the sands forum. The forum allows you to speak to others experiencing the same feelings and can give you support and advise on how to cope with them.
www.sandsforum.org
Different people use sands in different ways, you can go to meetings, talk on the phone or use the forum. It has been a help to me as it has put me in contact with other people who I can talk too that truly understand. There are quite a few of us on Mumsnet, so if you ever want to chat you will always get a reply.
Sending you lots of love and best wishes
Rah Xx

poppy34 Thu 23-Aug-07 11:30:37

marina - I am so sorry for you. I had a tx due to major abnormalities in may at 21 weeks. Sands and ARC have been helpful (As have a lot of hte posters on here) but hte most helpful thing was counselling. I found it very very difficult at first and almost ducked out of it but its definitely been beneficial. I can really sympathise with the anger/pain at other woman being pregnant - but the counselling does seemed to have helped channel that anger and the grief is just something you learn to live with.

Dece Thu 23-Aug-07 13:56:16

Thankyou everyone for your kind words, today seems to be a pretty low day for me, very tearful. My cousin has just given birth to a boy and girl who are fighting fit, I want to be happy but just wont happen at the moment! Everyone seems to be walking on egg shells just waiting for me to break, if only they Knew that I am inside. It makes it worse I am now on fertility treatment and on Caitlins Due I will have to do a test! I cant even cope with my son today, I am such a failure xx

Jackstini Thu 23-Aug-07 14:32:47

Oh Dece you are so not a failure. It was not your fault and the way you are feeling today is absolutely normal. You need time to grieve and the wounds are too open for the pain of your cousin's news not to hurt.
My mc was early and so I can only imagine the pain you feel. Is there any way you can have the date of your test moved under the circumstances?

RahRah1 Thu 23-Aug-07 15:28:40

Dece {{{{HUGS}}}}}

You are not in anyways a failure, for some reason life is just very cruel sometimes.
Today is so hard for you and such a mix of feelings. To be honest when my SIL had her baby it was like torture, why me and not her? It was hard to admit those feelings as I hated feeling the way I did. Everyone around me said they were walking on egg shells, but it did not feel like that I felt like I was being walked all over and they were all hurting me so much and forgetting my baby. It is so hard, but it does ease in time. There is no right or wrong, you have to do whats best for you and your family. I still have not seen my niece and she was born in Jan 07, but it is just too hard to deal with along with the grief I feel.
Try and be kind to yourself, these feelings are totally natural feelings under the circumstances.
It is so hard trying for another baby,especially when it comes to important anniversaries. Have you spoken to the hospital about how you are feeling?

Sending you massive of hugs..best wishes X

Dece Thu 23-Aug-07 16:53:54

Will I ever being able to face her again I just feel so bitter why can she have two babies I can even manage one! my partner thinks I am being silly and I already have a son which I am greatful for but does that mean I have to forget Caitlin?
It is nice to know that others have or are feeling the same as me though, and that I am not going loopy!

RahRah1 Thu 23-Aug-07 17:24:48

You are definitely not going loopy! Just missing Caitlin desperately and trying to make sense of it all. My husband does not understand all my feelings sometimes and my parents definitely don't. When my bro and SIL had their baby, they did not understand why they needed to change any of their plans just because my baby had died. They wanted my mum with them for a month, a christening, a family party and me even to be god mother... it was just over 2 months after my little one had died! They did not have a clue about my feeling and never will understand. Its very hard to have such different feelings towards a situation and in someways not feel bitter.
Could you distance yourself from your cousin to ease some of the pain? Until I did this with my bro and SIL all I consumed myself with was the injustice of it all and how selfish they were.
You never have to forget Caitlin, she will always be held in your heart. I always try and do things that represent my love for my son so he lives on in me. I try to make sure he has made me into a better person.
Dictate your own pace and if you want to talk about Caitlin do so. Once people know it is OK they will listen and talk too...Most people just don't know what to say or do, so end up doing nothing.
Sending you big HUGS

Marina Thu 23-Aug-07 19:52:50

You are NOT going loopy Dece, and the mix of feelings you have right now are completely normal for someone who has had this sort of bereavement. It can feel very lonely after the death of a baby at 20 plus weeks, and I found venting on here really helped me. I hope it does you too Dece.
Even if you do go on to have another child you never forget the baby who died, so don't let anyone make you think, even if they believe they are "helping" you "get over it" , that you have to suppress your sadness and grief over Caitlin. Rahrah is right - some people will be assuming it's too painful to talk about, or can't think how to broach the subject.
Rahrah how insensitive of them. I had to distance myself from some friends because of this sort of behaviour, and it took a long time for my relationship with my mother to recover too.
You can always talk to us on here Dece and as Caitlin's due date approaches, there are many of us here who understand your feelings about it, and about your darling daughter XXX

maisym Thu 23-Aug-07 19:57:23

just wanted to add thoughts for you dece xxx.

Dece Fri 24-Aug-07 08:38:40

We were very close when I was pregnant because our due dates were so close, I have tried to distance myself, but everyone still talks about her to me, like nothing has every happened, but I do need to see her eventually I suppose!
Why are some people so lucky and others have constant bad luck?
RahRah1 what do you do to represent your baby? I feel like I need to do something for her just dont know what?
My partner has finally realised how much I am hurting last night(about time!!!!!)

goingfor3 Fri 24-Aug-07 08:46:42

Dece when I was pregnant with the first baby I lost a friend of mine was due on the same day as me and I didn't see her until her baby was about three months old and even then I didn't hold her baby. It's such a hard situation and I'm sure no one will be suprised if you shed a few etars when you see your cousins baby.

Dece Fri 24-Aug-07 08:50:14

Thankyou goingfor3, Didnt it make it harder for you the more time you left it? did you ever wish it could of happened to someone else, anyone but you ?

FioFio Fri 24-Aug-07 08:54:48

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