Grief, anxiety, perimenopause and moving house

[microferret]

Can someone just tell me I'm going to survive this?
Mum died of ovarian cancer a year ago in August. I live with my family and 2 kids in Germany so was able to brush it aside - the SSRI I was on probably helped me bury and suppress my feelings too. I quit the meds in March to try a different type (DNRI) but it's been downhill since there.
Now my grief is all caving in on me. I'm a wreck, a ball of anxiety and tension. I can't imagine having sex. I often find it hard to eat. I've started having super early periods making me fear I've begun the slide towards menopause at just 36. Nights are the worst. I am exhausted but feel wired all night and unable to sleep, and all my fears come crashing in on me and smothering me with terror. My eyes are dry and itchy and my tongue feels permanently burnt. I feel like a stranger in my own body, in my own life, I feel like my husband and kids are so far away from me.
Added to this we've moved from our tiny but beloved apartment into a sublet while our new home is being built and I am so sad. This place is weird and unfamiliar and not cosy. Everytime I think of my old home I feel a rush of such intense melancholia it overwhelms me, like a weakness in my limbs and a heaviness, emptiness in my gut. I can't go home again, just like I can never get back to a time when I had a mum and my brother and Dad weren't hopeless wrecks of heartbroken men.

Please someone tell me this is normal and it ends and that my new life is something to look forward to and not just a pale imitation of happier times.

[Kahlua4me]

Poor you, that’s such a lot to deal with, grief, changing health and moving house all at once. It’s no wonder you are struggling.

I lost my beloved mum suddenly 4 years ago and peri menopause started 2 years ago. I would be a wreck if they both happened at once. I barely coped when mum died and your symptoms are similar to how I felt. I hardly functioned for a long time. Could not sleep so felt exhausted constantly, couldn’t eat properly so lived on cake and rubbish, libido plummeted and didn’t enjoy anything. I only laughed when I saw others laughing and thought I should join in. It does eventually subside though and life comes back.

Obviously, from only reading your post it’s hard to tell if your symptoms are menopausal as they could be grief/anxiety. It may be worth seeing a doctor to get a full blood test and maybe a referral if need be. They could also review your meds and change if necessary.

Are you close to your dad and brother? I talk to my brother every day as although we all grieve differently, and have up and down days at different times, he knows how I feel and is the best person to know how I feel.

Sending lots of love to you.

[Nat6999]

I lost my dad in January, got through the funeral & everything feeling totally numb. Spent the next months forcing myself to do "normal" but failing. The last few weeks I have started to have feelings, I'm lost without my dad, I miss him desperately, feel like shit, not eating, then eating too much rubbish, can't sleep at night but can sleep all day, don't know where my head is.

[microferret]

Thanks for the replies xx
Kahlua, I am close to my dad and brother - we try to facetime every week with my kids there to lighten the mood. They're both struggling more than me I think. We have a trip to Turkey planned in October to visit Mum's family which I'm looking forward to, although anxious about how much I'm going to have to watch my father drink.
I've been to the gyno to get bloods done. Let's hope it's just low progesterone caused by stress. I'd hate to go through early menopause.

Nat, I'm so sorry for your loss. It's really hard. I did the same as you, was numb for a long time. I think I still am. I don't even truly believe mum is dead. I saw her die but it all just feels like a bad dream. The worst part is how much by 4 yo daughter misses her... they had a very special bond and now she has been introduced so young to the awful truth that people you need and love can just be taken away. It's heartbreaking.
I don't know if you've had grief counselling but it has really helped my dad - he's still a wreck, but he's better than he was. My brother too. Try Macmillan or Cruse and see if they can help you x