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How to support someone after a m/c - advice please

(22 Posts)
anniemac Wed 08-Aug-07 10:02:53

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Razian Wed 08-Aug-07 10:07:20

Wow, what a good friend you are, wish I had you when I had a m/c.

My advice would be not to assume you know how she is feeling and not to make any positive comments along the lines of:

"You'll have another baby"

"You're only young"

"It was probably for the best"

etc etc.

Accept that she has to grieve for this baby and that it will take a long time, have lots of ups and downs and will prob be all she thinks about for a long time.

Sorry no time to write more.

goingfor3 Wed 08-Aug-07 10:16:01

I agree with not making the above comments, they really are hurtful when you've lost a baby. I had a miscarriage 2 weeks ago and didn't want to speak to anyone other than my DP, mum and best friend, even now I don't really want to talk to anyone in real life about it. As you've sent her text messages she knows you are there and I'm sure when she is ready she will approach you. The treatment sounds really nice but she may not want to concieve again so quickly.

anniemac Wed 08-Aug-07 10:32:37

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anniemac Wed 08-Aug-07 10:33:40

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belgo Wed 08-Aug-07 10:37:09

I've just miscarried and the comment that's upset me most is:

'it was probably deformed, that's why you've miscarried'.

It's upset me because I loved and wanted my baby whatever.

IsabelWatchingItRainInMacondo Wed 08-Aug-07 10:40:28

I have always wondered what to say in this ocassions, I have more or less a clear idea of what comments to avoid, but is there anything you can say that make the person feel you are with her on this?

anniemac Wed 08-Aug-07 10:40:54

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StrangeTown Wed 08-Aug-07 10:44:02

Annie - how thoughtful and caring you sound.

I would send a card or flowers if you can. Just something to let her know that you recongise how devasting this is for her.

Do try to hold off about comments for the 'next one' and 'trying again' just now. The most important thing for me was to accept the loss of the baby I was miscarrying, not focus on ones I may or may not have in future. People almost want to hurry you along the process, but it does take time, miscarriage is so tough, physically and emotionally.
My sister was very thoughtless during my first m/c. We have made up now, but her lack of consideration about what I was going though was very hurtful and I am glad your sister won't feel this way.
I think the holistic therapy would probably we welcome in the coming months, but she may not want to discuss it just now.
Best wishes.

ghosty Wed 08-Aug-07 11:08:44

anniemac, you sound so nice
My sister cried more than I did when I told her I was having an mc ... you sound like that ... sisters are great xxx

Anyway, just be your normal self with her, ask her how she is feeling, does she want to talk? If not that's fine, she knows where you are ... it helped me to know that I could talk if I wanted to but didn't have to IYSWIM?

Re. your question about the 'labour' ... a 9 week mc won't be like a 21 week mc labour ... I had an mc at 12 weeks and it was horrible and very traumatic but I doubt very much it would have been anything like giving birth to a fully formed baby (which is what happens at 21 wks I imagine) ...

It won't be a nice experience for her at 9 weeks and of course, the loss of a baby is hard at whatever stage, but physically it won't be as bad as your other friend.

(of course the last thing your sister needs to hear is what I just said, I just wanted to set YOUR mind at rest)

anniemac Wed 08-Aug-07 12:07:13

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belgo Wed 08-Aug-07 17:11:30

anniemac - I only told my close family I was pregnant, and I still miscarried, nothing to do with jinxing it.

MerlinsBeard Wed 08-Aug-07 17:23:14

make a note of her due date and send flowers. Even if she doesn't mention it she will be thinking of it.

Just being aware that she may feel worse in a few weeks/months time when it sinks in properly will help alot too. It took me well over a year to feel myself again after my m/c.

anniemac Wed 08-Aug-07 17:23:29

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anniemac Wed 08-Aug-07 17:24:36

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anniemac Wed 08-Aug-07 17:26:50

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daisyandbabybootoo Wed 08-Aug-07 17:39:29

i agree on flowers and maybe a big box of her fave chocs when you see her. it is very hard to know what to say, even having been through it myself when my friend mc'd i was at a loss for words. i also agree on avoiding all the usual plattitudes. my mil could only comment that she'd told us it was too early to go announcing it. not helpful really.

she will know you are there for her when she needs you and the best thing you can do is give hugs and listen if she wants to talk.

the suggestion of remembering her due date is a good one as by that time people have forgotten, but for her it will be a very difficult day.

you sound like a lovely caring person and she will appreciate that

luckymummy74 Thu 09-Aug-07 21:41:16

HI anniemac,
I have a similar problem. One of my very best friends has just miscarried twins, she was 8 weeks gone. She is having a D&C today because as it was two they think for her to m/c naturally would be too much for her, physically and emotionally.
The sad thing was, she didn't find out until her scan, she had no bleeding. She lives in USA and they have a 8 week scan there. They were told it was twins but that neither had survived. Cos her hormones are double she is still getting lots of pg symptoms.
I had a m/c myself 3 years ago, but early on at 6 weeks (still horrible though).I know what she is feeling, and how I felt etc, but I am still finding it hard to know what to say, esp as I now have a beautiful dd aged 15 mths.
My main problem is that she now lives in Seattle, and all I wanna do is give her a big hug She is so far away.
I am gonna send flowers tomorrow.
I also thought I would burn her a CD of songs from uni times, when we met, for her to play and hopefully 'escape' a little. I have told her to allow herself to grieve and cry it all out.
When I miscarried my Mum bought me a little teddy bear, and told me that everytime I looked at it, I had to remind myself that one day I would have a lovely baby. It was hard, but I did it. Then when dd was born, I looked at that teddy and I thought 'mums really do know best'. I still have the teddy in my room, it is very special to me. Do you think your sis would respond to something like that??
Thinking of you. I am extremely close to my sis and can't imagine what you are both going through.

Sorry for long thread. I feel v sad now

life is pants sometimes.

LilianGish Thu 09-Aug-07 22:03:16

The comment I found most helpful when I miscarried came from my doctor who pointed out that early miscarriage is very very common. You only have to look at this thread to see that - the thing is noone talks about it so when it happens to you you feel as though you're comletely on your own. Your sister is very lucky to have you. When I miscarried my wonderful, wonderful sil flew out to see me (I was living in Paris at the time) left her girls with my brother and we had a fabulous girly few days together talking about it and not talking about it - it was just great to know she was there not trying to say the right thing, but just doing all the things we both love doing together.

moodymoo Thu 09-Aug-07 22:22:12

ARC do a really nice in loving memory card called 'a star is shining' that you could send to your sister. May be suitable for you to send on what would have been her due date. Think you can get them from their website www.arc-uk.org. My SIL bought me a lovely wooden memory box when I lost my baby for me to keep all my 'memories'.
I had reiki healing after my loss and It was lovely, helped me relax and get me back into the right frame of mind for trying again. Would really recommend it but only when she is ready.

anniemac Fri 10-Aug-07 11:39:07

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MissM Sun 12-Aug-07 19:06:34

I feel really sad reading this thread as my closest friend just miscarried for the third time in a year. She has no problem getting pregnant, just keeping it. She's doing all the right things, seeing fertility doctors, being positive, eliminating all possibilities, but I feel so useless and unable to help her, especially as she lives in LA and because I'm 23 weeks pregnant myself. I just don't know how to make her feel better when I've got a healthy baby kicking away inside me and have been so incredibly lucky with my pregnancies. I sent her a card and a little fridge magnet thing with some encouraging words, and I'm trying to ring her and email a lot, but I just want to put my arms round her and let her cry. It's so hard to watch someone you love feel such pain.

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