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Have you lost a parent? Come talk to me

(35 Posts)
MamaG Thu 26-Jul-07 14:03:28

Its coming up to 5 years since my Dad died and I've never been back to where his ashes are scattered. I drove past there a couple of weeks ago adn asI was getting closer, my chest got tighter and tighter and it didn't ease until I was past the place, driving away.

Have you been to the grave/location of ashes/special place?

DH thinks it will help me come to terms with it to go, even if I sob and sob but I just wondered what others thought.

flowerybeanbag Thu 26-Jul-07 14:07:15

I think it will help you. I go to where my mum's ashes are every couple of months or so, although it was nowhere near as recent as your dad.
I cry everytime but I do think it's an important thing to do, I always feel very peaceful afterwards, and feel like I am sharing my life with her a bit iyswim.

mummy2jake Thu 26-Jul-07 14:12:58

hi lost my dad feb 06 and have only been back to his grave once which was a few days after the funeral i really want to go but i just cant its just to painful and im so angry at myself for being to weak to go

sadly my dp has just lost his mother on sun and all the planning for cremation and clearing her house is so upsetting and knowing the pain hes feeling is hard to to take.

Wilbur Thu 26-Jul-07 14:15:06

My parents are buried together in a beautiful cemetery in the town where I grew up. It's about 45 mins from where I live now, so I don't get there as often as I would like. I like to sit there and just think, or talk to them if there's no one else around. While I still cry (Mum has been gone for 10 years, Daddy for 4) sometimes, I always feel better after I've been - it helps to face the sadness in many ways, to give it time and not just try to rush past it, hoping it will go away. If you feel strong enough, I would go to your Dad's place, and just see how you feel. Make time to do it on a day when you don't have the kids or have to rush off. Take a book even. Just see what you feel, and don't worry if you don't feel anything much - sometimes these big things can be a bit of an anti-climax. Do remember though, that your Dad is with you for as long as you remember him.

Desiderata Thu 26-Jul-07 14:15:52

My mum's ashes were scattered. I never went back to the crem' because there's nothing to see.

Mind you, she died a long, long time ago.

I think it will make you feel better, MamaG. I truly do.

Tinker Thu 26-Jul-07 14:16:36

I've lost both of my parents (my mum just over 2 months ago) I hardly ever go to where my dad is buried. I used to go once a year ish for teh first few years but cannot honestly remember the last time I went - it could even be as long ago as 10 years (he died 18 years ago) I simply don't assocaiate teh place with him and, in hindsight, wish he'd been cremated so that we could have scattered his ashes at Anfield.

If I were you, I'd go at least once, just to see if you can purge yourself of the anxiety you feel about the place. But don't get hung up about whether you go again or not after that, the really isn't the important thing, I don't think.

FioFio Thu 26-Jul-07 14:17:56

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FioFio Thu 26-Jul-07 14:19:23

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Tinker Thu 26-Jul-07 14:21:32

Thanks fio

NotQuiteCockney Thu 26-Jul-07 14:21:44

My mom died about a year and a half ago. I was there for the scattering of her ashes, in a lake in Mexico. I don't think I'd want to go back, tbh.

PavlovtheCat Thu 26-Jul-07 14:26:47

mum died in jan, dad died in may.

Mum had ashes scattered on glastonbury tor, went three weeks ago. She was not there. I did not feel her there anyway. It helped me come to terms with her not being here anymore, I think perhaps the very fact that I did not feel her made it more 'real' i guess.

my dad - scattered at the crematorium, did not go funeral, will not go to visit. long story for another time.

My mum though, never went to where her mum was buried, she would not/could not do it. She had a lot of unresovled issues, and I wonder if she might have found peace with some of those isues, if she had gone to visit.

For me, although mum is not there, its a place I can go to talk to her, its s symbolic place to me, rather than an actual place where she is.

Sobbing is good and healthy and often much much needed, esp as part of the healing process. I am not there yet.

I hope you find the answer you are looking for.

mummy2jake Thu 26-Jul-07 14:26:56

tinker thats how i feel in a way my dads with me in my thoughts every day

thing is my dps mother is being cremated a week thursday and thats where my dads buried so its going to be a hard day for everyone dont want to be seen as greiving for dps mother then nipping off to see my dads grave.

Tinker Thu 26-Jul-07 14:29:24

I think it'd be perfectly fine to go and see your dad's grave at the same time. If you want to. I think that'd be absolutely understandable.

MamaG Thu 26-Jul-07 14:30:15

thanks all, sorry to hear about your losses too

NorthernMusgrave Thu 26-Jul-07 14:30:20

How are you now Tinker?

forsale Thu 26-Jul-07 14:32:34

i lost my dad 16 years ago and my mum nearly 10 years ago. They are buried together in a cemetary. I dont go as often as I should

PavlovtheCat Thu 26-Jul-07 14:32:41

mum is always with me. I have a year old DD and everytime I see her do something for the first time, i remember mum, like i promised her i would.

I am made up of her, my dd is made up of her. She is not gone. Just not here in her own form.

Same as your dad MamaG. You do not need to go visit where he was scattered to be close to him. But you might find it gives you a focus, a direction in which to grieve/remember.

bundle Thu 26-Jul-07 14:32:42

my family scattered my dad's ashes a couple of months after her died, in a quiet bit of the park where he met my mum, more than 40 years ago. it was a very ordinary yet tender moment. no tears. I haven't been back but I will. and my mum wants to be scattered there with him. we did it on the quiet in case parky got involved!

PavlovtheCat Thu 26-Jul-07 14:34:10

tinker - meant to say sorry for loss of you mum too. Mum died 6 months ago, i am only just coming to terms, in fact, feel tearful just being on this thread...

<bows out with thoughts for those who have lost loved ones>

purpleflower Thu 26-Jul-07 14:45:04

I lost my mum 7 1/2 years ago when I was 13. Her ashes were buried at my local church. I normally go there either on her birthday or the date she died, this year I've been more, my brothers wedding and my sons baptism is on Sunday. I also took my son not long after he was born.

I don't really feel her there and couldn't go for a year or so. I think as others have said its more symbolic. I do shed a tear or two after but it leaves me feeling better and somehow closer. It's very hard to describe the feeling I get. I dred going but feel better after.

I'm sorry if this post doesn't make alot of sense but I have to go to the church for baptism preperation tonight so I will have to see her (she is on the way to the entrance I cant avoid it)so I am a bit emotional about it today.

Whatever you decide make sure it is for you and not anybody else, we all deal with things in our own way.

purpleflower Thu 26-Jul-07 14:48:25

Forgot to add that I'm so sorry for all those that have lost one or both of their parents recently. I don't think I have ever truely come to terms with it but it does get easier. I carry her with me wherever I go and love her no less than when she was here with me.

Tinker Thu 26-Jul-07 15:54:02

Sorry to everyone on here who has also lost a parent - crap isn't it?

jhyesmum Sun 29-Jul-07 17:23:59

Hi, i hope you don't mind me dropping in. I'm so glad has started a thread like this.

I lost my mum on 21st May to Cancer. She was 60 and 1 day! She was only diagnosed in March, so the last few months have been a complete blur.

I miss her like crazy. She was my best friend as well as a fantastic mum.

I visit her grave a few times a week. I go for a chat sometimes a cry too.

So sorry to everyone else who have lost their wonderful parents. I still have a fab dad, so at least i have him.

(((((hugs)))))

heifer Sun 29-Jul-07 17:50:28

Hi MamaG...

I have unfortunately lost both my parents, my dad 5 years ago and my mum 1.5 years ago.

My dads ashes are scattered around a tree near where I live (and where I grew up)

My mum is buried in the church just by the woods..

We didn't scatter my dads ashed until the day of my mums funeral (as just never seemed the right time etc).. and I have to admit that I do go there often.

Mostly because the tree right next to the path, but everything I go past I touch the tree and say hi to my dad (DD says hi to grandpa, even though she never met him).. realised the other day that she actually thought he was in the tree!....

I have to admit to not visiting my mums grave all that often anymore, I did when she first passed away, and did get a lot of comfort from it (and I did sob and sob)

but actually find it harder now and don't really get much from visiting the grave... but it's nice to know that it is there should I wish to go.

I would fully recommend that you go and go until you no longer sob and sob as it definately does get easier and it think you will find some benefit - but maybe not the first time you visit, it may take a few times..

I am moving away from here soon and I have no idea how I will feel being so far away from why they lie (although I know that they are in heaven etc)....

Go for it MamaG but as I said you may have to go a couple of times to really feel the benefit... hugs being sent your way (and I don't often do hugs)...

ChipButty Sun 29-Jul-07 18:11:27

Dad died suddenly in May. The place where we scattered his ashes was flooded in June. I found this upsetting but I carry him in my heart always. The place where I feel closest to him is in his garden at my Mum's: He spent half his life out there! Crying now. Just wanted to send sympathetic thoughts to everyone in this dreadful situation. xx

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