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hazygirl Mon 16-Jul-07 17:50:26

in september my grandson should b one, he died in december ,what should you do, his sister is due on his birthday ,i dont know what to do about it , i cant pretend it gets easier, it doesnt ,my daughter doesnt even know i have had to start taking tablets to help me through it, i have just sorted his headstone out,as she wanted ,but what should i do, i never have had to sort anything out like this, please dont think i am morbid but dont want to ask anyone who knows me x

FioFioJane Mon 16-Jul-07 17:52:23

oh hazygirl was it you who posted the other day about your grandson dying from cotdeath?

Is it the same daughter having another baby? or a different one?

you are bound to be devastated

cornsilk Mon 16-Jul-07 17:52:26

hazygirl I'm very sorry for your loss
Have you got anyone to talk to about your feelings?

LittleLupin Mon 16-Jul-07 17:52:57

oh hazygirl I know your story, I remember your emails (and your daughter's) from when we did A Mile for Maude.

Do you want to commemorate his birthday? Maybe by laying flowers, having a small ceremony at his graveside?

hazygirl Mon 16-Jul-07 18:02:49

it is the same daughter, baby boy died of cot death at seventy five days old ,i find it difficult talking with people about him,they dont want to know, they think after seven months i should be over it. i hate flowers on his grave i have only done that once, it meant he was dead, when he died the house was filled with flowers ,i hated it , i wanted to run and pretend it never happened . i put bears on his graves and angels ,cos that what he is

suezee Mon 16-Jul-07 18:07:41

oh hazygirl i am so sorry for u,i am crying at the thought of what u must be going through,what r u worried about??????do u want to be there when ur little grandaughter is born or r u going to stay away???.i know nothing will replace ur grandson, but try and let this little baby into ur heart as much as you can, it will probably terrify you at the thought of loving another little baby.sit down with ur daughter and talk to her about it,you can comfort each other x

LittleLupin Mon 16-Jul-07 18:07:47

Oh for goodness sake, how could you be expected to "get over it" so soon! People are ridiculous sometimes.

Teddy bears is a lovely idea. Also, how about buying a small toy as if for his birthday, and giving it to a local children's ward so another little child could enjoy it?

Have you spoken to FSID about their befrienders? Someone you could talk to, who would understand...

hazygirl Mon 16-Jul-07 18:16:37

i have spoken to sids ,they are brill ,and also get support from coni care, i am trying to look forward to new baby but i find it hard , i never want to feel hurt like this , i wouldnt wish it on anyone ,i went to mothercare on saturday, i did it ,no tears ,and bought a couple of things,we have to replace everything ,my daughter doesnt want her sons thing touched again they are his ,even though we still need to remove his clothes, but no one has done that yet, they still hang in his wardrobe, the only things gone are what the police removed that night

LittleLupin Mon 16-Jul-07 18:38:42

I'm so sorry, I can't imagine how hard this must be for you all

FioFioJane Mon 16-Jul-07 19:57:13

oh hazygirl that must be so hard of course you will not be 'over it' though. You will never get over it

have you thought about having some bereavement cousnelling?

hazygirl Mon 16-Jul-07 20:10:08

i am waiting to start councelling again hopefully more local last time sent to harrogate ,i live in leeds and dont drive and i dont want to rely on anyone else

FioFioJane Mon 16-Jul-07 20:13:31

I think cruse do counselling groups too, usually local and once a fortnight. Might be worth googling it

hazygirl Mon 16-Jul-07 20:18:07

my doctor is sorting out this for us ,i only went three weeks ago, i tried for six month, i really did ,could look after everyone else.just not me

babalon Mon 16-Jul-07 22:31:04

I'm glad that you can talk to mumsnetters about your feelings. People don't seem to expect anyone other than the parents of the child who has died to be as affected by the death. I imagine that you are trying to be the strong support for you daughter.

When I was a student nurse I was working in a and e and one saturday morning a little baby boy was brought in who'd suffered a cot death. I dressed him and placed him in a moses basket I stayed with him because the police had to investigate a sudden death I was with that beautiful baby when his parents should have been . I still can picture his face 4 years on, he pops into my thoughts at at strange moments.

I suppose what I'm trying to say is I have such acute memories of a child who I only knew as an angel, for only a few hours, I can only begin to imagine the pain that you feel. But I hope more than anything that his parents went on to have some more babies who were as beautiful a he was and that they filled some of their emptiness and that of his grandmother who was also there at the hospital.

Can you look at photos of your grandson and remember happytimes yet? I think this would be the first step in looking forward to the new baby. Try to remember the happiness you felt with him instead of the pain now he's gone. You have lost so much already but it would be even worse for you to lose memories that the new baby will make for you.

I hope this comes across alright it's hard to put things into words sometimes

hazygirl Tue 17-Jul-07 07:00:02

babalon,hi it is seven months since we lost grandson,his mum is pregnant is seven months pregnant,his sister is due to be born on his first birthday, which is strange, but hospital will bring on early. i do find police were not nice at first, but accept they have a job to do. i have so many happy memories of our little man i will never forget,i saw him every day, i was playing with him three hours before he left us,i am i hope supportive to my daughter i take the girls so she can rest, we look after each other, im lucky i have three great sons and daugters and two fantastic granddaughters,plus our angel boy, people do find it strange it affects grandparents too, but he was part of our family,and to be honest my hubby has had to sort everything out as daughtercannot do it,even now when coroner office rings she always says can you ring my dad ,he deals with this,even though it has made him ill and by god its aged us .the nurses at a and e were fantasic and i will always be gratefull for that.x

zeebee Tue 17-Jul-07 12:20:26

Hazygirl. It sounds like you are being a truly fantastic support to your daughter and family and that you all seem to be looking after each other. Believe me this is so important, having just spent the weekend with the ILs who suddenly appear to be acting like nothing has changed, won't join in or acknowledge conversations about their granddaughter or even ask about the legal/medical processes etc. Wasn't expecting great support from them but some acknowledgment and enquiry on how we and their other grandchildren are would be nice. I know it is hard for them too, but they know we don't want to blank things out. This has upset me so much.

The circumstances are different but for my daughter's birthday we followed the wishes of my other daughter. We had planned a little balloon release and a cake and the day evolved to include party bags and a party tea with her friends. This was also helpful for the other children who were aware of the significance of the day. The day was not as bad as the build up to it and it was lovely but very poignant to see the other children and their parents remembering our beautiful little girl.
Take care and wishing you all joy and love for your new arrival. Please believe there will be room in your heart for your grandson and new granddaughter.

hazygirl Tue 17-Jul-07 16:08:46

its strange but daughters partners parents never mention him,dont visit him at cemetry and moan when hes been there, do they think its a place i ever wanted to go

hazygirl Tue 17-Jul-07 16:10:11

zeebee how old was your daughter,and have you had inquest yet we are still waiting

zeebee Tue 17-Jul-07 21:15:02

20m. Yes, it happened a couple of weeks ago but thankfully not at court. Turns out to be a double edged sword as it is now one less thing we can do for her and one more reminder of the permanence of her absence. At least we can get our things back from the police now, not sure what they have entirely! Hope the inquest happens before the birth, I'm sure that would be the last thing you all need.

hazygirl Wed 18-Jul-07 08:14:10

i know what you mean about waiting for the police to return things ,when we lost our little man he died in his dads arms, he was not suffocated ,but police took bed, i didnt leave house for weeks,i had the girls to keep me going ,but i rang my friend to buy us new bad for them

babalon Sat 21-Jul-07 00:02:25

How are you today Hazygirl? Gosh you've really got me thinking. Have hugged my kids harder since I last posted to you. I read what you said about your hubby not doing little babies that must break both of you when you think about it But surely that reminds you how much you might miss with the new baby. The chances of this tragady happening again to your family is so slim.

I wish I could make it better please look to the future.

hazygirl Sat 21-Jul-07 16:09:30

hi i am doing ok been to work,then nipped into next sale and got all three girls some new bits and bobs,the new baby is a girl so i thought i better get some bits ,i dont know about new baby but i know i will love her i owe to everyone else, she will never replace him ,she will be his sister, like i say things will be better when the inquest is sorted,maybe some answers

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