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Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters.

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters.

Bereavement

Bereavement counselling hated it!

18 replies

Harryy · 02/04/2019 21:19

I had my first bereavement counselling early today and I don't think i can go again. She asked a few questions about my wife which I struggled to answer. I just felt so angry talking about her. She can't bring my wife back so what's the point in talking about her

OP posts:

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NorthernLurker · 02/04/2019 21:23

Bereavement is painful, unfortunately talking about it will hurt like hell. What made you go for the counselling? How long ago did your wife die?

Harryy · 02/04/2019 22:37

Just over 2 years ago.

I was struggling, i couldn't hardly sleep at night I wasn't hardly eating and ended up turning to alcohol. I went to my GP who suggested I see a councillors.

I also have 3 children and I need to do something as it's not fair on them

OP posts:

ssd · 02/04/2019 22:51

I had 3 sessions of bereavement counselling. After the first session I was so angry, I had expected them to make me feel better but they didn't. And I was really mad. I found myself rehashing over and over what was hurting me. It brought a few things to light.
If your counsellor doesn't feel right then you can try someone else op, but give it a few sessions first. Even if it's just to break your heart and rail against everything and everyone. You need to let it out.
Am sending you strength.

Ditto66 · 02/04/2019 22:56

I hated bereavement counselling too. DH died 3 years ago. Much better was the peer support From others in the same situation, via WAY. Strongly recommend you join if you haven't already. Widowedandyoung.com. There is a very active FB group where people are very open and honest about the many issues that go along with being widowed young. Also local meet-ups.
Funnily enough I finally got along with counselling last year, when I went to try to resolve another issue that was hampering my life. I found a brilliant counsellor this time. And of course the grief came up and out as part of the process. It being the primary focus didn't work for me - seemed, like you say, pointless. But it's there at the base of everything else so sometimes easier to deal with it from the side on.

AndNoneForGretchenWieners · 02/04/2019 23:01

I'm continually being told to consider bereavement counselling for me and DS, but I think it's too soon. DH only died in February and I still can't really believe it has happened, I think it's way too soon to try making sense of it. I know people are well meaning, and want to help me, but they don't really understand and I think talking about it will make it real, and I don't think I'm ready for that.

Is WAY really worth the subscription fee?

Babdoc · 02/04/2019 23:03

Grief goes through many stages, OP, and anger is definitely one of them.
You may have been stuck for two years in numbness and denial, blocking your feelings with alcohol, and the anger is only just coming out now.
I think it is a good sign, actually, that you are beginning to express some of your emotions and get back in tune with your feelings.
Have you been able to cry since you lost your wife? I’d continue the counselling, but also spend some time playing sad songs and having a damn good weep - it’s very healing.
My DH died 27 years ago, and I still miss him and grieve for him. It took years to work through the worst of my grief, shock, depression and anger over his death.
Two years is very short, OP - you are still in the acute phase.
Be kind to yourself, allow yourself to feel, and take whatever help is out there. Your local vicar or minister is trained to help in bereavement and would I’m sure be willing to provide pastoral care to you - you may find them easier to confide in than a counsellor.
Each loss is unique, OP, and only you know what will help you the most. God bless, and my prayers that you find the comfort and support you need to come to terms with your situation.

Somerville · 02/04/2019 23:06

The might need to find the right counsellor. I didn't like the first... just didn't click. Wrote the whole thing off. Then was recommended someone who was great for family grief therapy, through WAY. Saw her with the kids, hit it off, and continued seeing her on my own. Even now, some years on and remarried, when I'm going through a tough time with it all I go back to her.

TansyViola · 02/04/2019 23:16

My husband died under a year ago. I've not had counselling as i don't know if it would help. I wanted to join WAY but was put off by the subscription fee as i only wanted a facebook group to chat to people in the same boat so £300 a year seems a lot for that, especially as they cut Widowed Parents Allowance.
I think i might have started the angry stage now as i realised this week that the financial help that was given to widow/ers until the youngest was about 18? was based on the deceased parent's state pension contributions which they will now never claim. It seems fair to me that bereaved children would benefit a bit instead so it seems cruel to take that away. (I believe it should have been extended to unmarried parents too not taken away altogether.)

TansyViola · 02/04/2019 23:24

PS I know we get something for 18 months but my kids won't be anywhere near finishing full time education by then so it's not as long as Widowed Parents Allowance

Harryy · 02/04/2019 23:44

Thank you I'd give it one more try and no I haven't cried I didn't cry when she past away although that sounds really bad!

OP posts:

Chasingsquirrels · 02/04/2019 23:56

AndNoneForGretchenWieners WAY was invaluable for me (just passed the 2 year mark) in terms of peer-to-peer support and I've made a couple of friends who were widowed around the same time as well as the wider community.

TansyViola the WAY subscription is £25 per year, did you misread it as monthly?

Harryy, I've not had counselling so can't comment on that aspect. In the early days I didn't see the point, it wouldn't bring him back etc. I talked to friends and family about the situation. I then joined WAY and found the peer-to-peer support useful.

Ditto66 · 03/04/2019 18:26

Just to second that the WAY subscription is just £25 per year - definitely worth it.

TansyViola · 03/04/2019 18:52

Gah! I misremembered it as £25 per month so thought it was too expensive. I might join now! Sorry.

AndNoneForGretchenWieners · 03/04/2019 18:59

Right I've bitten the bullet and signed up to WAY

littlecabbage · 03/04/2019 19:08

Harryy, did you post a month or so ago? I think I remember you. I agree with others - try to complete 3 sessions before writing it off - it can be slow to start working.

Also, my Mum didn't click with her counsellor when my dad died, but joined group counselling with Cruse and found it much more useful.

Just in case it wasn't you who posted previously, this book is good for young widowers with young children:

www.amazon.co.uk/Thinking-Out-Loud-Grief-Being/dp/147367025X/ref=asc_df_147367025X/?hvlocphy=9045464&linkCode=df0&psc=1&hvnetw=g&hvadid=311043828655&th=1&hvpos=1o2&hvdev=m&hvtargid=pla-564972120156&hvrand=7897904793483925541&tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-21

All the best to you

MrsAitch13 · 04/04/2019 09:28

My husband passed away in February and I have joined Way Up (like WAY but for the over 50s). It's been invaluable to be in touch with people who get "it". I would thoroughly recommend it.

TansyViola · 04/04/2019 10:03

Good to know there's a group to move on to at 50

MrsGarethSouthgate · 04/04/2019 10:07

You haven't said that the counsellor is the issue, you said answering questions about your wife made you angry, and that the counsellor can't bring her back. This is the grief talking, and it's a very common part of the process.

Please stick with it a few more weeks. If you're finding it hard to do it for you, remember that you're doing it for your children.

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