trying to deal with m/c and age difference in relationship

(11 Posts)
mummybear43 Wed 11-Jul-07 23:44:13

Hi all. After being told my baby had died i spent 3 days in agonising labour then 4 hrs in theatre and had to be taken back 3 times so am angry at their neglicence. However i am assured my womb is intact. I have other children already but I am sure you will all understand that that makes no difference to how i feel about losing my precious and so unexpected baby.
I am so confused now too because my wonderful partner is a good few years younger than me and we never did think of the possibility of children before we were gifted with our little one who sadly died at 8 weeks (i was 12 weeks when I discovered this).
I am very weak at present but feel lost as to what to even think or feel. I am 43 btw
i am not sure what I am even hoping for as a message but just to identify with anyone who understands. thank you and love and hope to you all

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Wisteria Thu 12-Jul-07 11:27:38

Mummybear, have no experience (other than my dp is also good few years younger than me) or words that could possibly comfort you, it's a truly awful thing you have been through but wanted to acknowledge your post as maybe someone else out there could help you.
Love and {{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}

mummybear43 Fri 13-Jul-07 10:29:24

Thank you SO much Wisteria. It does mean such a lot to even be acknowledged. I don't suppose there is anyone that can help and i am aware that my situation is quite unusual but just to hear a friendly 'voice' means a great deal.
How many children do you have? love, hugs and happiness to you too.

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chloemummy Fri 13-Jul-07 11:09:10

I had a miscarriage about a year ago.. I was about 6-8 weeks preg. I went to a and e with bad cramping pain and was told I was pregnant. Next day I went back cos I was bleeding. I could not get my head round the fact that one day you are pregnant and the next day you are not. Sorry to hear of your loss. Not sure if I am helping. I took 3 weeks off work and felt very wobbly for about 2 weeks very tearful.

karney Tue 17-Jul-07 20:48:43

Hello mummybear, I'm truly sorry for your loss, I can identify with how you feel. My partner is a lot younger than me too.(eyebrows were raised when we first got together.I,m 38 and have had 3m/c. 3rd one last wk. I,m in the process of being tested for possible causes, we don't have any children but I totally understand that m/c is painful and tragic experience whatever your circumstances.The last 2wks have been extremly difficult for us. But my partner and I are getting through this and as he says it's a team effort. I hope your recovering ok. It helps me to share as much as possible with people I am comfortable wth and I,m gonna try and stay positive. I wish you all the best.

teenagersagain Tue 17-Jul-07 23:07:38

Hi Mummybear, Just read your post & felt your anguish. I am so very sorry this has happpened to you both, it is almost harder when the baby was unplanned but so suddenly very wanted.

Life can be very hard sometimes, I am extremely lucky to have got to 42 without any major trauma's & have thought on this heavily in the last few weeks.

I too have other children, but as you say it makes no difference to the raw loss of so unexpected a delight.

I am in a very similar position, & have scanned various websites trying to find some helpful understanding, but like you we are in quite a unique situation.

The day before my 10 wk scan, my dp took himself off for a sort of previously, very loosely talked about vasectomy, very much against my wishes & instinct.

We have a 4yr old & 3 much older dc between us, 18, 17 & 14. I had postnatal depression with my dd, which put other children very much on hold, but when we found out about this baby we were thrilled & it was only extreme naivety that made my dp go ahead with his vasectomy the day before, a very unusual situation & this is where I can relate a bit to you as 4 mths ago everything was lovely, no broody yearnings, but now it's uncorked some deeply buried longings & life just can't go back to being the same.

This has turned into quite an unburdening of feelings for me, but I have a small understanding of the depths of your despair. It might feel like time is running out, but you conceived naturally not long ago & you probably can again if that's what you want.

Time is a great healer, 5 wks ago I was dumb with grief, but am now looking positively ahead & looking at vasectomy reversal's ?!?
I hope this has helped you in some small way, it so helped me to read that I wasn't alone, it was quite humbling in fact..... love to you & yours for the future...

skibump Thu 19-Jul-07 15:30:11

(((mummybear43))) I too recently miscarried a much wanted baby (were you on the Jnauary thread?)so I understand some of what you're feeling. Your hospital experience was hideous though, that must have been awful. Just believe in yourself that you are strong enough to get through this xx

Mumpbump Thu 19-Jul-07 15:38:19

I'm so sorry to hear of your loss... I don't think that anyone who has not had a m/c can really understand how devastating it is. Being pg is full of hope and you can't help imagining your future with an unknown baby in it. M/c takes all of those dreams away from you.

Take it easy and try to go with however you feel. Grief and anger seem to be common in straightforward m/c, let alone when you've had a traumatic m/c. It is a bumpy ride emotionally and you will still have lots of pg hormones in your body to add to the fun... Be nice to yourself and make sure your dp is also. Remember that your dp is also probably grieving (my dh was very hard hit), but might deal with it in a different way. Good luck...

mummybear43 Mon 30-Jul-07 08:51:04

Teenageragain, mumpbump and Skibump, Thank you so much for replying to me. It means such a lot.

Teenageragain, I am sorry you are struggling with things right now and I do hope you can find some peace. have you made any decisions. Feel free to contact me privately if you want to chat.

I was on the January thread Skibump and I remember you. I am so sorry for your loss and hope that you are giving yourself time to grieve. It is so hard I know.

Mumbump, thank you for your kind words. My partner has been affected badly too.

lots of love and hugs and I hope everything for your future turns out just as you wish it too. XXX

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moodymoo Mon 30-Jul-07 09:21:01

Mummybear so sorry to hear of your loss. My pregnancy ended at 21 weeks when my scan showed that my baby had anencephaly. I went through 2 days of labour and 16 weeks of problems following this, this was my first baby and had no idea what I was doing. The whole situation was a nightmare and it is so hard to go through all that pain knowing that you won't have your baby at the end of it all. I know it will be so hard for you right now but things will get easier, just take each day at a time and try to focus on looking after yourself. I found that counselling helped - did your hospital ofer you any counselling with a bereavment midwife? my dh and I found this really helpful as it gave us the opportunity to say things to each other that we just couldn't seem to say at home on our own.
It's now 5 months since I lost my baby and I am still struggling with it all, but I can also see that I have come along way since it all happened. Next step for me is to return to work on wednesday - have been on sick leave since it all happened.scary
Big hug to you and your partner x
ps do you like poems beacuse I have some lovely ones that I put in a scrapbook about my little angel, don't want to post them without asking first.

mummybear43 Fri 03-Aug-07 17:11:12

moodymoo. I am so sorry to hear of your loss and the dreadful time you had. I am glad you are feeling a little better and I am sending you lots of twinkly vibes for your return to work.

The hospital did send a bereavement nurse round but she only came twice and then didnt come for the next appointment nor return my phone calls.

I would love to read the poems if you feel like posting them sometime.
Lots of love and hugs and may your future be filled with happiness.

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