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Bereavement

DH has died - conflicting emotions

74 replies

thebluewidow · 23/03/2019 10:07

Name changed for this due to unpalatable details and total unreadiness to share them in the real world.

DH died just over two weeks ago. It was unexpected - I'd seen him earlier in the day and he'd been happy and healthy (seemingly), but hours later he was lying dead in the street in a city near the south coast, where he'd gone on a work assignment.

The police came to tell me and I have spent the last few weeks in the usual shock, sadness, fear. I've been visualising him round the house on his last weekend here, and it's left me full of so much grief. I can't believe I'm not ever going to so much as touch him again, or feel the comfort of his presence.

But.

Our relationship was troubled. He was a recovering addict who sometimes relapsed, at which point he'd disappear, draw large amounts of cash out of our accounts, and binge use cocaine. I'd never know when it was going to happen, and it always happened far away from home, but he'd manage to track down drugs and then he'd be gone, usually for about 12 hours straight. He would be totally uncontactable, and then turn up again full of remorse, tears, desperation that he'd never be able to stop. He did all the rehab stuff but always ended up falling down the same hole.

This put massive strain on our relationship. I had to hide credit cards, block bank accounts. There were long stretches where he didn't use during which I would gradually feel more secure, but then bang, he was gone again. The times he was here was possible worse as his moods were awful, he was snappy, sulky and dissatisfied often, and very very absent emotionally and physically, as he spent much of his time involved in activities to "keep well", that being things like NA meetings, the church, etc etc. Before the drugs altered his brain, he was the kindest, most gentle, generous, emotionally intelligent person I'd ever known, and that person was still present but I saw less and less of him. By the end it felt like he had totally lost interest in me.

I was planning an extraction from the relationship, but it would have taken time and of course I always hoped that in the meantime he'd get on top of it. Mentally and emotionally though, I'd detached as much as I could and was anticipating leaving at some point. He was aware I had this mindset.

Since he died, I've found out all sorts of stuff about what he was up to. He'd ordered loads of women's clothes on the internet (which I'd unknowingly taken delivery of) and his binge behaviour had diminished but he'd switched to taking little and often. He'd visit prostitutes where he'd dress up and take the drug, maybe for an hour or two, before leaving. Because of this little and often approach, I had no knowledge of what he was doing. I only knew when he binged. The little and often episodes involved a great deal of planning and deception.

I feel so conflicted. Part of me feels like this was inevitable, that sadly the wheels were going to come off. On the night he'd died he'd been with a prostitute and used about £70 of cocaine, as far as I can make out. He'd planned a phone call to put me off knowing what he was doing, and laid various other misdirections. He'd been ordering clothes for several weeks so knew what he was going to do, and despite that was still snappy, sulky and dissatisfied with me when I was home.

I have massive conflicting feelings. I miss the person he was; the drugs had such an effect on him and it's so sad they turned the wonderful person he was into such a shitty individual. I feel like this was the only outcome, and then feel guilty for feeling a sense of relief.

Has anyone out there experienced similar? Just wanting to know I'm not alone.

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Lemonsquinky · 23/03/2019 10:13

You are having to grieve the loss of who you thought he was, the physical loss of him and recognise and deal with your feelings about his behaviour and addiction. It is a lot to deal with. I think some counselling would be helpful to you .