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Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters.

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters.

Bereavement

Seeing my dad's body-advice please

25 replies

rumred · 13/03/2019 13:04

My dad died 10 days ago. I saw him a few hours afterwards, other people were around, it was an OK experience
I have arranged to see him again tomorrow before or after I see the celebrant about the service. Partly because I want him to know how much I love him, that he's not alone.
I feel mixed and a bit worried he will look too rough (he isn't embalmed, my choice)
Anyone had a similar experience?

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TheMerryWidow1 · 13/03/2019 13:09

My condolences to you on the loss of your Dad. To be honest it depends on the undertakers and how good they are, with one of my relatives I didn't like way she looked but with another relative they just looked like they were asleep and I was grateful for that. But one had been very ill with cancer and the other died very quickly so that might have made a difference. However both were embalmed so I'm not sure of how much deterioration there might be for you. Have you spoken to the undertakers? That might help you decide. Thinking of you x

SuziQ10 · 13/03/2019 13:16

I'm so very sorry for the loss of your father.
You don't have to be beside his body to tell him how much you love him.

Would he have wanted you to go through seeing the body again. Probably not. He will look quite different and may wish to be remembered the way he was. Ultimately it's up to you but please know your love for him and his for you is everywhere you go, there might be a better place to tell him the things you want to say. Somewhere you shared together?

frustratedashell · 13/03/2019 13:19

I'm sorry for your loss. After ten days without embalming I wouldn't go again. You dont need to see him to talk to him etc. However you must do what's right for you.

mentallyfacked · 13/03/2019 13:36

Hi rumred, firstly sorry for your loss, I hope you are coping ok.

From personal experience a lot can change in 10 days, IDont think this means you cant spend some time with him before his funeral though, you have a few options.

Talk to the funeral staff about your concerns, they will be able to give you an idea of what to expect.

You can choose to view him with a face covering, although the opinions are split as to if you find this more traumatic (some do not like the idea of their loved one face being covered) or if it would ease your concerns (the face in particular changes dramatically after death, especially without embalming)

Lastly you can request the coffin to be shut and you can simply spend time near him.

I hope some of what I've said is helpful although probably not the easiest to read.
Thoughts are with you OP

sluj · 13/03/2019 13:39

You could write your thoughts down in a sealed letter and ask for it to be put in with him. Sorry for your loss

SospanFrangipan · 13/03/2019 13:41

Thinking of you at such a hard time OP.
When my MIL passed away, we saw her twice. First time was the day after she passed from sepsis. I whiskey wish we hadn't of gone as she looked nothing like the woman she was. The second time was when she was at the funeral directors. Again, it wasn't the best experience. She was far too made up and didn't look at all like herself. My DH & SIL now have those two images of her in their minds and are terribly regretful about seeing her.
It is a personal preference, but I would be wary of your DF has not been embalmed, especially after ten days.
As PP have said, he will know you love him and that he isn't alone without you seeing him. I wouldn't want that to be the lasting final memory you have of him. X

Yogagirl123 · 13/03/2019 13:54

so sorry for your loss OP.

If you are unsure, ask the funeral director for advice. They will be honest with you.

probablynotrelevant · 13/03/2019 14:14

I saw my Dad a week after he had died, he was in a hotter climate, where they normally do not leave them that long due to the heat. It was so people in the UK could come over for the funeral.

I kinda wish I hadn't as that image gave me nightmares for months, and although it is over 16 years ago now, it is still emblazoned in my memory. It wasn't horrific, just shocked me as I didn't know what to expect.

Ultimately though, if you feel it is something you really want to do, then do so, but just be prepared that it might be a bit of a shock. I am very sorry for your loss.

AnnaMagnani · 13/03/2019 14:21

If you want to then do it. If you don't want to then don't.

Your dad knows he is always in your heart and never alone.

FWIW I very much did NOT want to see my dad after death. I wanted to remember him as he had been some years before, when he was well, not in the weeks leading up to his death when he had lost masses of weight and had big lumps on his neck. So I didn't.

Do what is right for you. Not anybody else.

TheMightyToosh · 13/03/2019 14:48

I saw mine after 3 weeks, not embalmed, and he looked ok, I'm glad I went as it was clear it was just his shell, and his 'spirit' was elsewhere (my belief, not everyone's, I know).

I struggled like you to know whether to go in or not but once I arrived, I knew it was the right thing for me. Maybe just take it as it comes to you when you get there?

So sorry for your loss

rumred · 13/03/2019 15:29

Thank you so much for all your comments and kindness. You've given me food for thought.
I spoke to the funeral director earlier and she said he's very peaceful but has a few marks on his face. I'm worried it'll be distressing in a negative way, I fully expect to be distraught as I was when I saw him in the hospital Chapel.

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BonBonVoyage · 13/03/2019 15:34

Rumred sorry for your loss. My DF was buried after three days, I don't think he was embalmed. I thought he looked fine (pale, waxy yellow kind of skin though) but my DM made a comment about it definitely being time to say goodbye at that stage.

I don't think your father would have wanted you to be distressed. But if you're already feeling distressed (of course you are) then seeing him looking peaceful might be helpful

rumred · 13/03/2019 17:08

Thanks bonbonvoyage
I've got an hours drive to get there so will decide on the way. I think I'm scared because of the finality of death and all the taboos around it, but really would like an opportunity to talk to him and say a final goodbye. I wanted to be there when he died but wasn't so maybe that's partly the reason.

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rumred · 14/03/2019 15:15

Hello again
Just back from the undertakers and arranging the service with a celebrant.
Saw my dad and was pleased I did. It felt right and he looked as OK as a dead person can. In fact better than when I saw him in the hospital Chapel. Said what I needed to and kissed him goodbye. It was upsetting but alright.
So thanks for helping me express my feelings. I'd do the same again and wouldn't deter others in a similar position

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Bluntness100 · 14/03/2019 15:31

I'm sorry about your dad, and hope you re bearing up ok.

This is a difficult subject. I did see with my grand mother and wished I hadn't, I was deeply shocked and traumatised by it. However the rest of my family didn't have the same visceral reaction I did.

I think the is about the individual. Some find it a comfort, others find it traumatising, and I'm not sure you know which you are until you do it.

TheMerryWidow1 · 14/03/2019 15:31

well done you, I'm so glad you are pleased xxx

downcasteyes · 14/03/2019 15:34

I am so very sorry for your loss. I am really glad that this experience brought you a positive feeling.

mentallyfacked · 14/03/2019 16:45

Glad it went well rumred, you are doing amazingly. Try to not stress over funeral arrangements ect, and remember to take some time for yourself in this whirlwind (it's so easy to forget to take care of yourself during times like this)

anniehm · 14/03/2019 16:46

My condolences. It's a really personal decision.

rumred · 14/03/2019 19:35

Thank you all
Yes it's completely individual, depends on your own circumstances and feelings. I'm feeling wiped out now. Inevitable, probably
Grief and loss are complicated and tiring. I'm dealing with a shed load of complications on top of the basics. Not unusual I guess

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LordProfFekkoThePenguinPhD · 14/03/2019 19:38

Sorry for your loss. Hope you are looking after yourself - remember to eat.

foreverchanging19 · 14/03/2019 19:47

Sorry for your loss 💐

I'm really glad that you went and your experience was what you needed it to be. I was abroad when my father passed away and I really needed to see him, just needed to see that he was peaceful, tell him how much I love him, touch him that one last time and give him a kiss. It was hard to see but ultimately what I had to do to make peace with the situation.

Not surprised you feel tired and drained. Be kind to and take good care of yourself.

rumred · 14/03/2019 23:07

Thank you both. foreverchanging19 that sounds similar to my reasoning.
My last chance to see him.

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echt · 15/03/2019 10:19

So sorry for your loss, rumred.

So glad that seeing your dad was comforting for you.

Hard times. Chin up.

rumred · 15/03/2019 18:40

Thanks echt
It was weird, but not horrible. I think death is fascinating. It's the one sure thing in life. And I suppose I've had to deal with a fair few so it's been important for me to understand and manage how I feel about it.
I'm partial to a good cemetery.
I enjoy life too, in case anyone gets the wrong impression. I just don't want to be destroyed by the deaths of my loved ones

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