Loss off wife

[Downhillrider]

I think it's about time that I've really start to talk about this.

I lost my wife just over 2 years ago she left behind 3 children age 5,8 and 12. I'm 30 years old so really should have my whole life to look forward to but I'm really struggling. I miss her greatly and she's always on my mind.

Ok I just get my problem out this will be about myself my children are getting support from school and sorry if it's all over the place. I was angry when she went I couldn't hold my temper very well mainly toward my mum and dad and people at work although this has got a lot better I still have the odd rage. I still have a few drinks each night which I would love to stop or at least cut down! I don't get to the point off being out my face unless the kids are at the grandparents which I always regret the morning after. I struggle to sleep in bed as this just brings back so many memories nighttime is the worse time for me so most nights I'm downstairs with a few beers and it's pretty much where I spend my night.

I have been offered helped in the past but I've always refused it as I thought I could deal with it but I'm at the stage where life isn't moving forward for me. Sex life is 0 but there is a nice woman at work which we have been flirting with recently but she's 12 years older than me. I can't see us spending our life's together but right now I think I'd jump into bed with anyone!!

If anyone has been through the same how did you deal with it?

[MrsGarethSouthgate]

Go and have bereavement counselling. I haven't been through it, but I think it would help you from what you've said

[Downhillrider]

I don't know if I could go through that having to talk about her or worried I'd get angry at the person trying to help

[NiceNewShiny]

Give counselling a try. It can't do any harm can it? If you find it's not working then you can stop.
The drinking and the 'rages' have to stop. It's just too unfair on your wee kids. You have to do whatever it takes to stop. I'm sure they will be lots of people or organisations that can help you if you can't manage it on your own. You might have to try a few to find one that works.
You are only 30. It's awful that your partner died especially with the kids so young but you are still very young. You need to get a grip on the drink and anger.
And make sure you apologise to your parents if you treated them badly!!!
Good luck.

[kimlo]

have you joined way (widowed and young)?

[Downhillrider]

I guess I could try it out idk I guess it just worries me as I don't know what will happen.

Drinking I've cut down and only drink when the kids have gone to bed. The anger isn't a problem with the kids I'm able to walk away or control it. I suppose I just build it up when I'm with my parents or at work.

[Applesbananaspears]

I want to send you my condolences. I’m not there yet but my partner is terminally ill and it’s rubbish there are no two ways about it.

You are grieving and holding it all in. I highly recommend counselling. Even if you sit there and cry your eyes out can’t get any words to come out of your mouth then it’s a start. Counselling has gone a long way to helping me deal with my future and to deal with some of my anger and upset.

You’re really young, and you’re on your own with your kids, it’s not fair but it is your life. You owe it to them to be a healthy dad and to yourself to live your life. You will always miss your wife and feel a huge loss but you need help to come to terms with it and to build your life around your loss.

And you know what? If the woman you like knows your situation and knows it isn’t likely to be a long term thing then, consider if having a fling and some sex might be the right thing for you at this time as part of the process. I don’t think anyone would expect you to live like a monk for the rest of your life

[Singlenotsingle]

It's harsh at the moment Down but it won't go on forever and it will get easier as the kids get older. You're 30, so you've got another 50 useful years ahead of you! Deep breaths, and take all the help that's on offer.

[SanFranBear]

Bus wanted to echo the posters who've recommended counselling - it might help and certainly wouldn't hurt.

I am so sorry for your loss

[littlecabbage]

So sorry for your loss, you've had a terrible thing happen to you. I second the PPs who have recommended bereavement counselling. CRUSE offer free counselling - look them up online. Don't worry about getting upset or angry in front of them - they are trained to deal with that.

Also, read Rio Ferdinand's book about losing his wife and how he struggled to grieve properly at first. It is a very helpful book for men in the same position:

www.amazon.co.uk/gp/aw/d/147367025X/ref=tmm_pap_title_0?ie=UTF8&tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-21

[Downhillrider]

Thank you a counsellor won't let me loose my children? I'm worried I'm doing such a shit job with bringing them up and they'd say I am

[Vitalogy]

Sorry for your loss.

I agree about trying counselling. Also speaking to others that have been through similar. Holding all your emotions in doesn't sound like it's working for you OP.

Best wishes.

[Ditto66]

So sorry for your loss OP. I lost DH almost 3 years ago now. DCs were teenagers. I got through those first years by focusing on basics - exercise, nutrition, meditation and connection with people. The last part was the hardest. What has helped most was joining WAY (widowed and young) - there are local events and lots of lively and supportive Facebook groups. Lots of chat about dating and sex too - we're young, it's another basic need! Drink as you know doesn't help. There is a huge void and pain in our lives, but try to find a better way of filling it. I know you haven't had a choice but you are amazing and I wish you love and light.

[Widowodiw]

I lost my husband last June and I have probably been the opposite of you. I don’t get angry or dwell as there’s just no point it’s not going to bring him back. It’s not going to change anything or make me feel better. Don’t get me wrong everyday is a struggle as everything has changed but I’m trying my hardest to just get on and particularly through the first year. I’ve not had counselling myself for the same reason as I don’t see the point it won’t change anything.
You won’t be doing a bad job with the kids - you will be doing the best in a difficult situation. Everything has now changed you are now mum
And dad. My son sees me as the bad guy now and his late father is the good guy. When he was alive it was the opposite.
You know the drinking isn’t a good idea but i get why you do as it’s the nights once the kids are in bed which are the worst. Our time doesn’t exist anymore. I’ve combatted this by simply going bed when the kids do. It’s a bit shit but I can’t sit there in my own each night.

It’s difficult as people says it’s get easier and I’m not sure it will to be honest as when you go through something like this your whole perspective on things changes. I have zero social life now as if I’m not at work
I’m with the kids. I have a close friend who has got upset that I can’t go to her 40th birthday party as I have no childcare. Due to what I’ve been through I can’t understand why she’s so upset it’s a birthday - I’ve lost a husband! I see my next 10 years as work and kids and that’s it, but that’s ok.

[anniehm]

Talk to a specialist bereavement service, they can help you start the process of starting the next phase of your life - not the first woman who shows interest of course! Another thought is is their a young widows and widowers group near you, my friend met her now dh when they both went along following loosing their respective partners!

[Downhillrider]

Thank you I have read all your comments and sorry for the losses you are also going through. It's great to feel not so alone. I think that was a huge problem for me I just feel so alone and what did it happen to us our life was just going perfect we had further plans that now have stopped.

My life has 100% changed I used to go to the gym before work I haven't set foot in for since, I used to love riding bikes that's now stopped. All we do is now go to the local woods and soft play on a Sunday with a few friends actually to honest it's the only day that I feels kinda normal I'm the only man there but we do have a great laugh still.


I've had to cut hours at work so I'm able to do the school run lucky we don't work weekends but I've also lost many hours off being sent home from work as I've been over the drink limit. We get random breath tested but my boss knew i drank and I think the only thing that helped me cut down on work days was because I was loosing money. I will add that i don't drive to school/work if I've drank.

But I have cut drinking down I would like to stop and just be able to have a normal evening and get into a proper bed. I've tried going to bed early but I can never sleep I just fall asleep at stupid time in the morning.

[TheGoodEnoughWife]

Please join WAY - a organisation for people who have lost their partner/spouse under the age of 50. Lots of support to be had (personal experience - I was 37 when my husband died)

[Downhillrider]

I have made a appointment to speak to my GP

[NiceNewShiny]

That's good that you've made an appointment with you GP. They will have seen it all before so don't worry about being completely honest about your drinking and how you are feeling. They won't judge you.

Your kids need you to be the best Dad you can possibly be (within reason- None of us are perfect)

You are still so young. Hopefully things will improve for you soon. It gets loads easier as the kids get older.

Hope everything goes well.

[littlecabbage]

Well done Downhillrider,

You've taken the first step towards dealing with your grief. This proves you are a good Dad.

Btw, the GP will probably give you details of Cruse so that you can self refer. If Cruse does not operate in your area, a local hospice may offer free bereavement counselling (it does not matter whether or not your wife had treatment there usually, the counselling is for anybody who needs it).

All the best Downhillrider.

[Downhillrider]

Thank you! I just don't know what to say to her do I just tell her all my problems

[ilovebagpuss]

After losing my mum which I know is not the same as your situation I made an appointment to see GP as I needed some time off work. Honestly I nearly didn’t go it’s hard to lay it out there to a stranger. I actually wrote down bullet points of what I wanted to say like feeling depressed, etc etc and it helped to just read through the list.
I actually burst into tears but had the list to be able to get my main issues across. Don’t know if this is any help but it really is the best thing to do to see the GP as people have said they will know what help and support you can access. Good on you for asking for that help it’s so very hard.

[Widowodiw]

You could simply just say that you’ve had a bearevent of your partner and 2 years on you recognise that you need to talk to someone. Say emotionally it’s not getting any easier for you and you want to do something about it as you don’t want to feel any worse than you already do. That will be enough.

[Downhillrider]

Thank you I've wrote a quick letter out and will bring it with me.

Also trying to not have a beer tonight!

[Ditto66]

Pour all the beer down the sink! If I have choc biccies in the house I'll eat them all - so I don't have them in the house! Well done for getting help, it's a big step