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Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters.

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Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters.

Bereavement

M/c..Does it really suddenly hit you hard months later then?

29 replies

greenpearl · 26/06/2007 14:27

Four months on I find myself suddenly struggling, it is like the sadness has really just hit me and everyone I know has babies,trying or is pg. It is the constant topic.
I dont want talk to any of my old friends anymore and am feeling numb.Certainly dont want to coo over their babies either. I kind of just lurk around them in the shadows when we all meet up, rather than being the lively old soul I was.

I am lucky enough to have children already and they are wonderful.
But getting pg is not straightforward for me, lots of complications so it is not a question of getting over this in that way. I dare not do it all again.
Maybe I feel sad that it was probably my last chance.

I am just not me anymore.I am a miserable old sod!
Like everyone else,family life is so busy I dont have any time to wallow or ask for help.

Someone give me a secret bucket load of sympathy, please?

OP posts:

Report

manicmama · 26/06/2007 14:31

I really feel for you. It is so difficult to be around friends who are pregnant or who have babies when you have had a miscarriage.

It does not matter that you have children already (I had two kids fine, and then three m/c).

You just have to grieve for as long as it takes. I cried for England, read poetry etc etc

Although you may feel it is your last chance, never say never.

greenpearl · 26/06/2007 14:33

I feel I have to hide it from everyone as everyone else is so happy. Did you?

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manicmama · 26/06/2007 14:35

Yes. People don't know what to say and don't understand how upsetting it is. Some can be very tactless about their pregnancies/kids which does not help. I have to say some of the best support I got was here on MN - from women who had been in the same position.

binkleandflip · 26/06/2007 14:35

Not in my case

manicmama · 26/06/2007 14:36

Greenpearl, everyone reacts differently and whatever you feel is normal.

binkleandflip · 26/06/2007 14:37

Exactly, It cant be quantified by the experiences of others

daisyboo · 26/06/2007 14:41

greenpearl, I have had 2 m/cs and found them both very very difficult. When I had the forst a work colleague was also pregnant and I found being around her very difficult. I also found it very difficult when I eventually became pregnant again and I think that is when it hit me the hardest.

Some of what you are saying is no doubt a result of the mcs but it also sounds to me as though you may be suffereing from depression as a result of your mc. Have you talked to your GP about how you feel, or had any bereavement counselling of any kind.

There are several helplines around including cruse and the miscarriage association.

I'm so sorry for your loss and although it doesn't seem like it at the moment, it will get better. We planted some climbing plants in the garden as a memorial to our lost babies and found it helped us get some sort of perspective. It's lovely watching them flourish and grow!

I hope you feel better soon and get some help to get you through this tough time.

xx

greenpearl · 26/06/2007 14:43

Dh is such a hard nut didnt affect him at all. Occasionally I bring it up like this lunchtime and he looks at me as if I am mad and says'get new friends'. Not that easy is it.
Just feeling wretched inside. My youngest wasnt even one when it happened and I keep thinking how lovely it would have been for him too.
Breaks my heart that I wont see anymore little starfish hands (a lovely mumsnetter word)in this house again.
I really wanted that baby.
I was going to plant a little tree or something privately on my own, but cant do that yet.
Gosh if you knew me in RL you would not hear this coming out!!! This SO not me!

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greenpearl · 26/06/2007 14:46

My Dad is dying, maybe this is why it is all a bit much for me at the moment. Not sure.

I am so sorry to moan like this. I wouldnt do this anywhere else.
Your comments are all really helpful.

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manicmama · 26/06/2007 14:49

You are having to deal with a lot at the moment. Just take things day by day.

It is fairly common for husbands to appear to be unsympathetic. Men often deal with their grief in different ways. Sometimes they are hit hard and other times they are not.

manicmama · 26/06/2007 14:50

PS Moan away. That is what we are here for!

binkleandflip · 26/06/2007 14:52

greenpearl, my mum is dying too. my personal feeling about getting pregnant is that I wouldnt want to be pregnant and my mum not to live to see the baby. That, for me and her, would be hugely painful. So, any thoughts of having another are on the back burner. I know how you are on an emotional roller coaster right now with your dad, I'm living it everyday too. I'm thinking of you, take care

lilolilmanchester · 26/06/2007 14:55

Greenpearl, my heart goes out to you. I had a miscarriage and found out on the same day that my dad was terminally ill. He died a couple of months later. My Mum and brother were (understandably) so grief stricken about the news about dad that I felt I had to deal with the m/c myself (I was staying wtih Mum at the time). DH tried to be understanding, but to be honest I think he hadn't really bonded with the pregnancy at that point. You're dealing with a lot of grief in one go here, it's bound to have an effect, you're not moaning, you just need to share how you're feeling. I'm really glad you feel able to do that on MN, but perhaps you need someone to talk to face to face? Could you talk to your GP about perhaps getting some bereavment counselling? You've lost your baby and are going to have to deal with losing your Dad too. It's a lot in one go. I felt literally numb, like it was impossible to hurt anymore. You will get through it, but it takes time and perhaps you need some help?

greenpearl · 26/06/2007 14:56

It's completely terrifying isnt it?

Too big really to deal with. My daughters little friend died recently and its almost like being surrounded by it at times.
Fact of life I know, but I just need a few really great times to balance the scales back up.

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Mumpbump · 26/06/2007 14:57

I m/c'd last September and then again in November. Spent Christmas Day howling my eyes out - don't think dh knew what had hit him! There is no time limit on grieving and losing an unborn baby is no easier than losing any other member of your family, if you ask me... Sorry your dh is being so super tough. Have you actually asked him whether he feels sad about it? Dh never talks about stuff like this, but will answer direct questions. He was really hard hit too...

greenpearl · 26/06/2007 14:57

Lil, yes numb is a good description.
How do YOU all feel now tho, is it easier?

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lilolilmanchester · 26/06/2007 15:03

Well, mine's 10 years behind me now. Dad died soon after, so in a way that moved my focus away from the m/c. Also, I was very lucky that I got pregnant again within 6 months. The consultant at the hospital told me something which really helped. He said if you take a packet of seeds, plant them in the garden, same soil, same sunlight, same food etc, some will grow, some won't. That is nature, and it isn't any different with babies. It didn't stop me feeling so sad, but helped me look at it in a different way and stopped me wondering if it was something I'd done wrong.

greenpearl · 26/06/2007 15:10

Funny how some things people say stick with you for years isnt it? He is absolutley right of course.
I think I hide it because I know I have 3 really wonderful children and I am so grateful for that when others struggle so hard to have one. I feel it makes me look a bit, well, melodramatic.
I also appeciate it was for the best more than likely.
Doesnt seem to stop the tide of emotions hitting you every so often with your own private grief tho does it?

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lilolilmanchester · 26/06/2007 15:21

no of course not, you've still lost a much wanted baby, and that's the same whether it's your first or 10th. I did keep reminding myself tho that if I was ever to have a m/c, then I was lucky it wasn't first time when as well as losing that baby, you would be just longing to be a parent (sorry if that sounds tactless to anyone reading this who has lost their first baby - I really do feel for you - but hope you understand why I'm writing this to Greenpearl).Off to do the school run now Greenpearl, and away with work for a couple of days so probably won't be on MN much. Take care, and hope you start to feel a bit better soon. Cry when you need to, it's important, but also try to look for good things that happen each day to boost your spirits.

plummymummy · 26/06/2007 15:27

greenpearl I am pg (but in first trimester) and had 2 m/c last year. I think it is worse for me now than it was last year. I think I am depressed, which is hard as I should be so happy. Maybe it is my way of protecting myself in case things don't work out. I just feel flat and devoid of emotion. I can't cope with everyday things like planning dinner, paying bills. My best friend had a m/c before having her 2nd baby and she still has painful memories.

greenpearl · 26/06/2007 15:27

Lil, thank you so much for all you have said.

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birdseed · 26/06/2007 15:39

lilolilmanchester - I have just lost my first at 12 1/2 weeks and found out at the scan. I don't take your comment to greenpearl as tactless. It feels as you say for me too - we had been dreaming and longing to be parents and now it's not happening and we haven't experienced it before so it feels as though we have lost that as well as our little baby.
I understand that it is agony whether you have had a child before or not but I just think that there are differences like you point out.
So no offence taken

plummymummy · 26/06/2007 15:40

birdseed I am so sorry

lilolilmanchester · 26/06/2007 16:00

Birdseed, so sorry to hear your news. There isn't anything which'll make it easier, other than time, unfortunately. PlummyMummy, My m/c started with spotting, so when I got pregnant again, I held my breath every time I went to the loo, until she was born. I didn't even want my Mum to buy me a new maternity dress incase the pregnancy didn't continue. But she told me that I owed it to this baby to enjoy being pregnant,and that shook me a bit. Of course, no-one can guarantee that there won't be another m/c, but it's highly probable that you will carry this one to term. So, if you can, try to start putting your anxieties to one side as much as possible, and focus on enjoying carrying this one so you don't look back and regret it once they are born. Easy to say, not so easy to do - but try!

plummymummy · 26/06/2007 16:41

Greenpearl - forgive me as I did not say how sorry I was for your m/c
Lilolil - I know you are right but I can't shake it off atm. Maybe 2nd trimester will be a different story. I have the nuchal as my milestone.

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