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Is this normal ??

(17 Posts)
mumtolittleD Thu 21-Jun-07 09:36:02

I had a miscarriage a couple of weeks ago - and as we hadn't told anyone about the pregnancy I didn't tell anyone what had happened - my dp thinks I should share..... but I am quite a private person. Anyway went to playgroup where I saw a couple of mums that were in my antenatal class ( with my ds who is 2) and came over all emotional and told them ( they are both pregnant now) thnking it would make me feel better. they were sorry for me I could see - but I left pretty much straight after as couldn't handle it. Anyway its been a week since and neither has contacted me or anything. Am I being stupid and a wimp - or would you expect something more??? I really don't think I will tell anyone else now - as really its made me feel worse than ever.....
Just wanted to get it off my chest as there is no one I can really talk to about this.

mummyhill Thu 21-Jun-07 11:07:32

Hi there.

They probably don't know what to say. I remember one of my friends not keeping touch because she was pregnant and she felt that it was going to upset me.

You have a right to grieve and it is better to talk to people who understand. Unfortunatly those who have not experienced this type of loss often do not understand. You will find a lot of support here on mumsnet but is there anyone in real life you feel will be there to support you other than dp as he will need support of his own iyswim.

Have you been given the number of the miscarriage association? If so give them a call. They have people who can talk to you over the phone (who have been in the same situation) if you need someone to confide in.

lisa111 Thu 21-Jun-07 13:35:49

I had a m/c 4 weeks ago, they probably think it will upset you too much, they are pregnant and you have just lost yours, they may feel they cannot talk about their pregnancies in front of you.

I hated telling people, i felt awful for them, because i could see they felt uncomfortable not knowing what to say to me?

I put on a brave face and kept saying "these things happen for a reason" when i wanted to burst out crying.

We are all here for you.

mumtolittleD Thu 21-Jun-07 14:35:00

Thankyou and sorry for your loss too. I know exactly what you mean - I tried to justify it to them too and put on a brave face. I just keep thinking what would I have done if our positions were reversed and I would like to think that I would be more supportive - but then I have had a mc before this one too so can sympathise. Have you told many people about what happened?

lissie Thu 21-Jun-07 14:37:35

i dont think people can truly sympathise unless they have been thru it. they were probably a bit embarressed, but thats their prob, not yours. you are entitled to mourn and grieve for your child.

teenagersagain Thu 21-Jun-07 14:45:17

Hi mumtolittleD,
I am very sorry to hear your sad news,
I found out 2wks ago that my baby didn't have a heartbeat & I have found it very hard to come to terms with.
Like you, I hadn't told many people & I too am quite private, so it was very hard to tell the few friends I had told & reactions varied.
The most sympathetic & helpful was from a friend who had been through this herself, (3 times but with a happy outcome!) she has phoned me every day just to give me the opportunity to talk to someone who understands...I love her!
I have found it to be one of those subjects that people are afraid to talk about for lot's of reasons & so you probably have friends who have been through this themselves, but you don't know...
Mummyhill is so right in everything she says, I wouldn't judge your friends too harshly, it's very difficult to say the right things.
But maybe if you are feeling lonely, which is how I still feel at times, be brave & give the miscarriage association a ring or just keep in contact with us mumsnetter's in the same boat as you...it really does help to talk like this....perhaps a new thread beckons?

hello to lisa111 , I remember you from the jan thread, hope you are doing ok?

mumtolittleD Thu 21-Jun-07 14:55:45

oh - I found out 2 weeks ago also - just reading your post teenagersagain and seeing that is making me cry. Silly things like that seem to set me off all the time.
You are really lucky to have such a lovely friend...

mumtolittleD Thu 21-Jun-07 14:58:03

PS am new to this - think I might be hooked. Have been reading lots of the other posts on this board - what does AF mean??

elesbells Thu 21-Jun-07 15:04:59

hi mum2littled and welcome...af means 'aunty flo' your period!!

elesbells Thu 21-Jun-07 15:06:13

and sorry for your loss xx

Mumpbump Thu 21-Jun-07 15:11:06

Hi mumtolittleD. Sorry for your loss...

The other women's reaction is, unfortunately, entirely normal, ime. As someone else said, unless you are unfortunate enough to have had a m/c yourself, I don't think you have an inkling of how emotionally devastating it can be. As with any other awkward subject, people tend to avoid it in RL. However, you will find lots of us here who have been through m/e and can understand how you feel. MN certainly helped me when I had my second m/c and in getting through the scary early weeks of my current pg.

teenagersagain Thu 21-Jun-07 15:26:18

Oh sorry, I didn't mean to make you cry, just wanted to let you know that you are not alone, and it so help's to share stuff like this with other women!

I'm new to mumsnet too, but there is an acronym list at the top of the page under useful stuff, and yes this could become a real addiction!

mumtolittleD Thu 21-Jun-07 15:30:14

Oh don't worry - its not you - its everything and anything really. Thanks to all that have replied - you can't believe what a relief it is to talk to others that understand ( well I'm sure you can actually!)

mummyhill Thu 21-Jun-07 16:45:09

I found this site an absolubte god send when I had my m/c and throughout the following pregnancy. Everyone was supportive and let me ramble as much as I needed. So pull up a chair, grab a coffee and talk all you need to there is usually someone around to listen and offer support.

lisa111 Fri 22-Jun-07 15:42:41

Hi teenagersagain, mumtolittled, Hi everyone.

Things get easier everyday, last night went to pick my mum up from work (she works in a pub) and a friend of hers was there, she congratulated me on expecting again. It pisses me off, i hate telling people.

My Auntie was in Tesco last week with her 2 gransons and 1 said your having another baby. I just had to say "no it was a false alarm"

Got to go and pick ds2 up from school now, love to you all xxx

mumtolittleD Sat 23-Jun-07 09:52:41

Poor you - that's awful - its so difficult telling people...... i seem to have been asked a hundred times this week " so when are you going to try for another one?" from well meaning people - obviously i'm noticing it a lot more now.

Makes you realise how you can really hurt people by saying the most innocent things. I make a point of never asking people when they are going to have a baby - as I know before I had my ds ( we were trying for 2 years ) it really hurt when people asked me that and would have to make some kind of excuse....

Hope you are having a better day today xxx

poppy34 Sat 23-Jun-07 12:18:38

hi mumtolittle d-just wanted to say I'm so sorry for your loss. Unfortunately your expereince isnt an abnormal one - people just don't know what to say/do at times like this. And you're right about noticing people asking about trying again much more after something ike this.

I've found mn a complete godsend to help me through a really difficult time recently so hope you're finding support here too xx

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