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A lovely lady I work with is PG with twins and I'm finding it hard to deal with.

(38 Posts)
Bubble99 Wed 20-Jun-07 20:08:18

One of my full-term and completely healthy twin sons died due to medical malpractice during a botched labour 2 years ago.

Today, one of the women I work with came to tell me that she is 8 weeks PG with twins. We knew that she is pregnant but she told me today, ahead of everyone else, that it is a twin pregnancy. She knows what happened to me and I know that she told me so that I would be able to digest the information and wouldn't have to hear (and react to it) on the grapevine.

I have been feeling very down since. And have also been feeling bad for feeling bad, if that makes sense. I imagine this is how women who are TTC without success must feel when hearing about any pregnancy.

Thanks for listening.

Bubble99 Wed 20-Jun-07 20:09:56

Sorry about the 'lovely lady,' I've just re-read and it sounds really 70's and a bit yuk.

gess Wed 20-Jun-07 20:11:57

It's normal. I feel like it if too many 'normal' 8 years are in my face iykwim. I don't think you can avoid feeling like it, just roll with the feeling and know it doesn't make you a bad person. It's not about her, its about you, and your loss, and how you would have like things to be different. You are allowed to feel like that!

I tend to avoid 8 year olds in mass numbers, I guess its going to be hard for you to avoid someone you work with. Do you have counselling or anything? I do think this sort of thing is very hard to deal with.

Bubble99 Wed 20-Jun-07 20:15:31

I haven't had any counselling, gess. I was allocated a 'bereavement midwife' while I was in hospital with my surviving DT1, but she was worse than useless. I felt that she wanted me to 'grieve to order' so that she could put her training into practice. I was numb, TBH, and didn't want to talk to anyone.

Might be time to think again?

morningpaper Wed 20-Jun-07 20:17:07

I don't have any advice but I wanted to offer some sympathy - and I'm sure that your feelings are totally normal. I agree with gess that you need to just roll with that feeling and let yourself feel that way. xxx

charlieandlola Wed 20-Jun-07 20:17:15

I think its perfectly natural, reasonable and understandable. I also think the lovely lady concerned, has proved she is a lovely lady by telling you so soon, and in private, rather than allowing you to hear of it. If you are feeling awful, she will be feeling 50% of your awfulness too as she imagines your hurt.
Allow yourself to feel sick, grief, fear, whatever, but it doesn't mean that you begrudge her happiness, just that it reminds you of your recent loss.

lulumama Wed 20-Jun-07 20:19:49

don't try to stop feeling a certain way, or make yourself feel anything different

it must have been like a punch in the stomach when she told you

i think that you should reconsider some counselling


hockeypuck Wed 20-Jun-07 20:20:44

Aaah bubble, it must be so hard. How kind of her to tell you first but how hard for you to have to deal with.

I hope you have someone you can talk to as her pregnancy progresses. Maybe the key to it all is to keep talking and to grieve each stage as you go through it.

Sorry I can't help more, but thinking of you.

By the way, your photos are totally amazing, what beautiful children you have.

FioFio Wed 20-Jun-07 20:21:12

Message withdrawn

Bubble99 Wed 20-Jun-07 20:23:05

Yes, it has brought it all back. I've got used to seeing twins and that has been hard to deal with in passing. Day-to-day of a PG will certainly be harder....

gess Wed 20-Jun-07 20:23:51

I think so Bubble. I went through 5 years post dx with ds1 before getting any counselling and its been incredibly useful- we talk about exactly this sort of thing (that being at odds with the rest of the world, isolated, finding it difficult to deal with the normal parenting world etc). It's really helped me a lot. It is a case of finding the right person, but when you do I think its invaluable really. You find out how 'normal' so many of your feelings are as well.

gess Wed 20-Jun-07 20:26:31

I also found my counsellor was big on letting go of useless feelings iyswim, which make you feel bad but serve no purpose. She was challenging, which helped.

Bubble99 Wed 20-Jun-07 20:28:49

It really was like a 'punch to the stomach.'

I heard myself making all of the appropriate congratulatory noises but I felt winded after she left the room.

I wish the NHS would send bereavement midwives to bereaved mothers a few years after the event. I don't think anyone is ready to open up and talk the day after a death.

gess Wed 20-Jun-07 20:32:26

No and feelings change as well, as they become less raw but more ingrained. The punch to the stomach is difficult, but again completely normal. Do you know anyone else who has been through it as well that would know exactly how you feel (I ring up friend in the same boat after stomach punches & rant). If you go for counselling try to find a specialist one, what you don't want is to end up talking about your childhood!

<<hugs>> do allow yourself to feel the way you do, don't beat yourself up about it.

bozza Wed 20-Jun-07 20:36:40

It was good of her to give you a bit of space but is obviously difficult for you. I think gess (as always) has some good advice.

Bubble99 Wed 20-Jun-07 20:42:07

I'm certainly not holding back on the feelings. Niagra Falls, here. <teary>

Can you tell me about your loss, gess, if that's OK?

mrsdarcy Wed 20-Jun-07 20:46:14

Must be very difficult for you.

I've not been in a situation like yours, but a few years ago I spent a weekend with a friend who had a baby the age my DD should have been (she died when I was 19 weeks pg) and I couldn't look at the baby. Just couldn't bear it - whenever I saw him I felt as thought the breath had been knocked out of me. I saw them again recently and was fine, btw.

It must be so painful for you. Would it help to talk to a counsellor to help you with strategies for dealing with your colleague's pregnancy as it progresses?


sallyheartshapedstrawberry Wed 20-Jun-07 20:47:40

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

wishingfourgotone Wed 20-Jun-07 20:53:00

I feel for you a lady i know lost her baby at 26 weeks pg i was 27weeks we did the pg chat when we passed she live by my mom and has to see me with my dd who was born day after her dc due must be so painful we rarely speak now dont know if its just guilt or sadness that iv still got my baby its a horrible feeling nothing worse.

gess Wed 20-Jun-07 20:54:07

It's nowhere near the same Bubble, although I get told the "process" is similar. DS1 is severely autistic, will probably never talk, will certainly require 24 hour care for the rest of his life. (He was born 'perfect'). From talking to a friend who lost her son I know that many of the actual feelings are the same, although not as intense and there isn't the horrendous painful physical loss. Being around children the same age is hard because its a reminder of what life 'should' have been for him. I know I'll be a basket case when his peers start marrying off! I woudn't want to pretend its the same as its not, but I do recognise the feelings & emotions you describe as something we get, albeit to a far less intense degree. And it is entirely normal!

lulumama Wed 20-Jun-07 21:23:06

have you tried the Sheila kitzinger birth crisis helpline and SANDS

VeniVidiVickiQV Wed 20-Jun-07 21:35:26

oh have a hug sweetie


Dogsby Wed 20-Jun-07 21:37:37

good for you for feeling onw
i mean it
it sgood.

she sounds very nice

Dogsby Wed 20-Jun-07 21:37:43


Dogsby Wed 20-Jun-07 21:39:58

but hat doesnt make it earier
htink my post came across wrong
you haev to be lalowed to feel this is ok.

its a bigdeal.

we loveya

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