Angry

[Sweetheart1313]

Today would have been my Dad's 65th birthday. Usually I just feel sadness on anniversaries but today I feel so so angry. He should have had at least another 15-20 years left - his dad is in his nineties and still going strong.

It just feels so unfair that he is missing out on so much. He worked hard (too hard) all his life and never got the chance to retire and relax, and he never will.

How do people cope with anger? It feels like I've got a ball of rage inside me. When I feel sad I'll talk to people, but not sure I can even venture outside today in case I punch someone!

[BonApp]

I don't think I've reached anger yet in my grief for my dad. Disbelief and sadness linger though. I'm not sure I can offer much advice, can you do something physical (run, swim, boxing!) to help release some tension?

It is unfair.

Sorry for your loss.

[BonApp]

Oh and Happy Birthday to your lovely, hardworking Dad :)

[Vitalogy]

Sorry for your loss.

Have you seen the five stages of grief before:

1. Denial
   
2. Anger
   
3. Bargaining
   
4. Depression
   
5. Acceptance
   

You can't go around, under or over grief, you have to go through it - Eddie Vedder.

When you reach the other side you're changed, changed for better or worse, you can decide this.

I like this quote:

The experience of losing a loved one impels us toward a deeper understanding of life. Everyone fears and is saddened by death. That is natural. But by struggling to overcome the pain and sadness that accompanies death, we become sharply aware of the dignity and preciousness of life and develop the compassion to share the sufferings of others as our own -Daisaku Ikeda

How long has it been since you lost your dad OP? Not that there's a time limit on grief. Is there anyone in RL you can speak with or would you consider something like CRUSE?

[Sweetheart1313]

@BonApp thank you for your lovely reply. I'm so sorry for your loss too, it's just horrible isn't it? It's been just over 2 years since I lost my dad, it seems to get both easier and harder as time goes by.

I've managed to get myself showered and dressed. Feel exhausted now.

I'd love to go for a walk but don't think I could face seeing people, even strangers. I went out for a cigarette a few minutes ago and it was lovely and peaceful outside, which made me feel a bit calmer. I think I'm going to do some gardening, I've got lots of weeds and dead plants that need ripping out, which might be good for channeling my anger! Just need to work up the energy to get out there!

[Vitalogy]

That's a good idea getting out in the garden OP.

[Sweetheart1313]

@Vitalogy thanks for replying. That quote is so true.

We lost him 2 years ago in June. Usually I find the anniversary of his death harder than his birthday - he died on Father's Day so it's kind of a double whammy with fathers day and the actual anniversary day IYKWIM, which is hard. But I found it relatively easy this year, which is why today has hit me like a ton of bricks.

I think it's because 65 feels like a milestone birthday. He'd be very close to retirement age, although I know he'd want to carry on! He should be here so we can tease him about bus passes and mobility scooters!

My mum and sister are at work, so don't want to upset them as I know they'll be trying to put it to the back of their minds. I need to ring my Grandma (his mum) but don't want to upset her either - I'll try later when I'm feeling a bit stronger.

I'm seeing my sister tonight so just need to distract myself for a few hours.

[Vitalogy]

That's nice you have your family to talk with. I wouldn't worry too much that you may upset them because like you said, it'll be on their minds as well. Nothing wrong with a good old cry together anyway. A hug can work wonders too.

[Babdoc]

OP, 2 years is still very early in terms of bereavement. You are probably in the stage of it beginning to sink in, of realising that this is permanent, rather than the stage of denial or shock. Anger is very normal. A sense of unfairness is normal. You may feel resentful of elderly people, wondering why they deserved extra years of life denied to your dad.
Do you have a religious faith? If you do, you will know that this life, however long or short, is merely a blink of an eye compared to the eternity that follows.
My DH was only 36 when he died. And I went through anger too. I was so upset that he never heard his baby’s first words or saw her first steps.
But the anger doesn’t last. Don’t nurture it or brood on it. Remember all the happy times your dad had with you. You still have those memories.
My wise old church minister said to me “Don’t let his death be more than his life” - in other words, don’t let your grief and anger block out all the good memories.
Go and knock six bells out of your garden weeds. Connecting with the earth and nature is very restorative.
I firmly believe that we will be reunited with our loved ones in heaven. Christ promised that He would prepare a place for us there.
Grief (or anger) is not for ever. But love is.
God bless, OP. I pray that you find peace and acceptance as your anger passes.

[simplepimple]

Apologies to Vitology however the 5 stages of grief aren't usually the way people process grief ~ most people don't move in such a linear way and grief often isn't something to 'get over' or 'work through'.

Some links to discover more.

www.thegoodgrieftrust.org
optionb.org/category/grief-and-loss
www.facebook.com/bbciplayer/videos/2168915343327846/UzpfSTMzMTc1OTU4MDI4MzU3NDoxNjgxNzEyMTAxOTU0OTc1/

It's ok to be angry and good to ask for support. Sometimes EFT (find it on youtube can also help release those great ugly ouchy balls of rage held in your body.

[wafflyversatile]

I think that beyond the process of bereavement it is natural for important dates to mark a resurgence of one, some or all of the emotions of grief.

If you feel that you are a bit stuck in the grieving process then counselling might benefit you.

Sorry he was taken 'out of the natural order'. I lost a sibling though my parents are still alive. It does feel like an extra layer of grief.

[Vitalogy]

Apologies to Vitology however the 5 stages of grief aren't usually the way people process grief ~ most people don't move in such a linear way and grief often isn't something to 'get over' or 'work through'. I didn't say you have to "get over". Yes I said "got through" Of course you have to go through it. If you haven't got through it you're still grieving. Some people never get over grief, granted. I've been through grief a few times now, have you? Not saying I'm an expert or anything. But I have been in great pain with it and yes, feel I've got through it and changed for the better, thankfully.

I'll comment again after I've had a look at your links.

[Vitalogy]

I've had a look at your links. Re the video. Grief is intense sorrow. If you have been through grief it doesn't stay as intense sorrow. If you are still in intense sorrow you are still going through it.

Yes you can still feel very sad at many points and numerous other emotions as well after you've been through grief but if you can learn to live with the acceptance of the death, then I believe, yes, you have been "through it". Everyone is entitled to their own opinion, just as you are.