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Suicide. Does anyone have any answers

(18 Posts)
Justanotherchange Thu 09-Aug-18 22:23:32

I really don’t know what I’m looking for with this. I’m just confused, utterly confused and broken.

I had only known her about a year, but in that year we became quite close. Close enough to the point we were looking forward, or at least I thought we both were, to seeing each other again. We always kept in touch

Then I got told she killed herself. She was as always so full of life! She genuinely was, i know people hide things well but she never ever had a bad day. We met under unusual circumstances, this is what brought us close together.

We had a common goal and interest. She never let on she was struggling, we would chat, just usual chit chat. I would ask however she was finding things and she never said she was finding things difficult. We made plans not long ago.

She has left behind a partner and child who she absolutely idolised!

I feel selfish her feeling like this

I just don’t get it. I’ve been in some dark places at times. I just feel so so sad, that she was hurting so much, her head and heart were broken that much she felt the only escape was to end her life and leave her young child behind.

She must have been utterly broken.

ThinkingCat Thu 09-Aug-18 23:50:17

I am sorry you have lost a friend in such a sad way. flowers

I don't have any answers but bumping the thread for you.

echt Fri 10-Aug-18 12:10:16

Sorry for your loss, OP.

Knowing someone for a year is not great deal; as isa parent, she had parts of her life she didn't share.
You say she never had a bad day, how could you or anyone ever know that?
I feel selfish her feeling like this - not sure what you mean here - that she is selfish for killing herself or you are selfish for feeling hurt?

echt Fri 10-Aug-18 12:10:47

As is apparent.

Justanotherchange Fri 10-Aug-18 12:50:09

I know a year is nothing, sometimes people impact your life in a short period of time. That’s what I meant about feeling selfish, if I’m asking myself all these questions and feeling this way, how on earth are her family and close friends feeling.

When people talk about people lighting up a room, she was that person. She really was. It’s just awful, thinking how life can be that hard, this was the only way to stop her pain, to stop what she was going through in her head and heart.

simplepimple Fri 10-Aug-18 16:22:29

My dad took his own life too. Now I'm ok with that and I don't torment myself with thinking about what he might have been thinking (I'll never know) or wishing it had been different.

At the time however I struggled with the 'why' and believing I could have helped in some way. We'll never know what anyone else is thinking so the only thinking we can concentrate on is our own. Would you like to talk more about how you feel about what happened?

Justanotherchange Fri 10-Aug-18 19:18:12

I’m so sorry for your loss, how old were you at the time of you don’t mind me asking?

I just can’t get my head around it. Before she did this, her morning routine was the same as always, it makes no sense. Her dd was her world. I keep reading back over our messages to each other.

I suffer from mental health issues, eating disorder, ocd, depression, mental health team recently told me they think I have bpd. It’s caused the breakdown of my marriage. I have and only very recently, been on the verge of breaking down, but I have never felt that low that I could do that, and leave my dc behind.

People keep saying it was cowardly and selfish of her and I just want to scream. I don’t think it’s the cowards way out, the thought of what she did frightens me. To know that someone you felt close to, who I genuinely cared for, felt so bad that this was her only way out.

I look at pictures of us and we had such fun times. For the little time I knew her, we spent more time together than we did our family.

Sorry I’m just rambling, it’s just so sad and confusing

backaftera2yearbreak Fri 10-Aug-18 19:22:39

My ex husband tried and failed, my uncle succeeded and sadly last year my ex brother in law succeeded. My ex husband tried to divert from a crime he committed. My uncle was a tortured sole, possibly drugs involved. They last, I’m still wondering. A very successful business man with a beautifull family and friends. It was so sudden and came out of nowhere. 2 mothers without sons and they’re broken and why they did it will torture them for the rest of their lives. Be kind to yourself OP x

backaftera2yearbreak Fri 10-Aug-18 19:23:13

*then last

TynesideBlonde Fri 10-Aug-18 19:51:03

I’ve lost two friends to suicide. One a close childhood/teen/early twenties v close friend and one a university only friend. Both the life and sole of the party. Both hugely empathic, do anything for you, funny, lovable types. So many of us were utterly broken by my childhood friend’s death in particular.
It unites many of us still now, 20 years later, we look out for each other even though we don’t really overlap in social circles/ postcodes now.
There are no answers. The only people who know what it is like to be in a position to do that don’t live to tell the tale. The only thing that helped me was to refocus my greif into supporting those closer and more affected- parents, siblings etc. You wouldn’t believe how many people just say nothing and keep their distance. Even writing to her parents, partner, child and acknowledging the impact your friend had in your life and saying you cared for her and appreciated her friendship would be hugely appreciated.
Try and think about what you can do rather than trying to rationalise what has happened.
Easy words for me many years on I appreciate, it was horrific at the time.

simplepimple Sat 11-Aug-18 03:04:20

I was 13 op. Today I don't see what happened as a 'loss' as such because although it was sad I am the way I am because of the things that happened in my life. At the time I really struggled but now I understand it was my Dad's choice not to continue in this life - for whatever reason - it's ok with me that was the choice he made. I can't really know his reasons because I am not him and it doesn't help me to torment myself with trying to work out what his anguish may have been like.

I've wondered if it is a brave or weak thing to do but even if I knew the answer to that would it make a difference? Believe in the answer that makes you feel happier. All thoughts are only ideas and not necessarily true.

There have been times when I've felt like I don't want to go on at times too however because I know what it feels like to be a child of someone who took their own life I like to think I'd never put my (now adult) dc into a similar situation.

I tell myself that these feelings are temporary and I'll soon be back to feeling joyous again. I've spent my life learning to accept and let go and I know I am a completely different person because of that which in a way is a legacy from my Dad.

It's ok to scream and normal to be frightened. At first what happened just goes round and round in your head and you cannot process it and you feel as though you need to understand in order to be able to that. It's also as though death by suicide is more horrific than death by other means but death is death all the same and comes to us all when the time is right. (even if we don't agree.)

I hope it's helping you write out how you feel because that is a way of processing and learning to accept. It's ok to ask any questions you may have. Be kind to yourself during this difficult time. flowers

Greenyogagirl Sat 11-Aug-18 03:11:10

It doesn’t matter if you knew her a year or ten, if you have a connection with someone that’s all that matters.
I lost a family member who committed suicide last month, like you said, full of life, happy and had a joke for everyone, completely unexpected, left behind children and grandchildren.
I’ve also been in that place and was hospitalised after an overdose. There was no particular thing, no awful thing happening that I couldn’t cope with, life just seemed so pointless and I felt empty and distanced from everyone else like I wasn’t supposed to be here. I’ll be the first to smile and lend an ear, laugh at a joke etc I’m a good actress, most people with depression are. I still feel like it now but I’m learning to cope better. My advice to you would be don’t feel guilty, you couldn’t have done anything, grieve, in your own time, whether it’s a month, a year or forever, remember the good times and know that although there was darkness in her life you brought her some light. flowers

Kirdypurdy14 Sat 11-Aug-18 10:20:36

My younger brother committed suicide in 2015 iam still living in hell now

BloodyBosch Mon 13-Aug-18 11:25:05

You can't rationalise a suicide, IMO it doesn't come from the rational mind. I believe it is called by illness of the mind, the person genuinely believes their loved ones will be better off without them in most cases - the reasons why will vary massively.
There are exceptions to this, but often people spend hours trying to dissect from a logical view point, and there isn't logic to it unfortunately.
Someone close did this and initially I was angry they did it, then a phase of 'why wasn't I enough?' (Close relative) and now I just feel sad that she got to that point.
I'm very sorry for your loss, and hope the above makes sense flowers

onlyoranges Wed 15-Aug-18 15:03:00

My eldest brother committed (or completed as we are supposed to say now)?? when I was 17, then 4 years ago my younger brother took his own life. I’ve done several training courses on suicide since and am also a Samaritan now. Often people don’t want to die but their life is so full of pain and for them there are no answers, no way out other than a permanent end. People retreat from those that could maybe support them and they hide the truth of the situation. You can’t stop someone from killing themselves. Sometimes I think and research supports this there is a familial link. Even though I have seen the devastation that suicide leaves behind I have considered killing myself. How does that make sense? I am sorry for what you have been through and the feelings that you have been left with.

thelmalouisewaitforme Wed 15-Aug-18 15:11:48

I just wanted to add to this thread, as someone who has very recently been bereaved by suicide (a few days ago - my recently ex DP). I have been feeling a whole range of emotions - guilt (this is a constant), anger, helplessness, despair, sadness... reading this thread has been comforting though.

The week and months leading up to it were also incredibly stressful so I feel utterly broken by it all.

My work seem to be assuming I will be back "in a couple of days" once I've got myself "sorted". I cannot imagine ever feeling better. Trying to be strong but I just want him back.

Things between us had been awful, then he left, then the news I had been dreading came. I feel like I completely let him down and don't know how I will ever forgive myself.

Gettingbackonmyfeet Wed 15-Aug-18 15:13:03

OP I'm really sorry, and I don't think relationships are counted by the time you have known them but by the impact on each other , try not to focus on the number but what she meant to you and you to her

I've dealt with it personally and professionally and honestly I don't think there is a simple answer

For some they give up , for others it's a desperate relinquishment of pain and for more others a run from reality and for the majority we will never know

I honestly don't think anyone can truly call it weak or strong without knowing what was going through their mind

Having been on the other side and felt the impact I hope I'm never so low to do it , but in my worst darknessess I've rconsidered it. For me i chose not to for my childrens sake but for some they absolutely truly believe they are such a burden they are releasing their DC from it

The pain is unimaginable ,the questions but ultimately I've realised that unless you were there at that moment you won't get an answer...and actually maybe not even then

One of the few non outing ones was when I attended the hospital for a team member I managed who had no family or friends and had just tried and it hasn't been successful (and by God did he try), and he couldn't answer that question less than a few hours later

Personally I think all a person can do is hold on to the memories and recognise that like us all that person was complex and struggling and ultimately that was the choice they made. Your memories of her don't need to be defined by the end of her life but by your whole experience of her

I absolutely recognise that will take time and I'm sorry

Justanotherchange Thu 16-Aug-18 07:27:24

Thank you to everyone who has taken the time to reply, I’m also so sorry for your loss and that you have had to go through and are still going through it.

I know deep down there will never be answers and I agree that you can’t rationalise it.

I’ve recently been told more details about the situation leading up it, the very last pieces and it just adds to the sadness.

You replay things over and over which I know isn’t healthy but I guess it’s human nature.

Really, thank you to everyone for sharing your experience and truly sorry for your loss

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