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Bereavement

Dad died- conflicting emotions- hand hold?

5 replies

DaughterNo1 · 03/07/2018 07:50

Can I offload?
Dad died 6 weeks ago in his early 90s. He'd had dementia and had gone downhill over 3 years.

I'm struggling with a few things. First is that as I live 5 hrs away from my parents, I didn't see him much in the last few months before he died and never had the 'final' conversation to thank him for all he'd done for me. When I did see him last, he'd become unconscious (for 3 days before he died.)

The other thing is although on balance he was a good father, he was also quite tyrannical at times and very selfish. I am trying to support my mum (they were married almost 70 years) but she seems to forget his nasty side.

On the one hand he'd help anyone (neighbours and anyone in need) but on the other he'd be very selfish at home and with mum.

Example: I moved away after uni ( 40 years ago) and I can count on one hand the times he came to stay. He said he would be bored, so mum would come on her own (till she was in her 80s then she lost confidence to travel.)
She was desperate for a family Christmas each year, and for all kinds of reasons it made sense for them to come to us ( my younger bother would drive) but dad only did this once . He just refused and said he didn't want to. We all accepted it as his quirk but looking back it was selfish. Mum used to allow him to dominate.

There were other things over the years- very controlling when I was a teen, not allowing me out much, then when I had DCs and he was staying here ( a rare thing) he smacked one of my DCs really hard and was aggressive towards them. He used to encourage me to be harsh and take control. As a new parent myself I used to think dad knew best, and did smack my DC at times, which I deeply regret now.

He also never used to buy my mum decent presents for her birthday or Xmas and this used to really hurt her. He made no effort some of the time.

The point is, now he has died, mum is behaving as if he were a saint. She seems to have forgotten all the bad stuff, and how they were talking of divorce when he was 70, but it was only lack of money that stopped them.

When he was ill, she devoted herself to his care single handed, until she was almost worn out.

I find my emotions are all over the place. I miss the dad who rebuilt my first car for me when it fell apart, and who helped me with my homework, but I don't miss the dad who smacked my DCs or refused to visit us because 'he'd miss his garden' ( for 2 days!!)

I just need to say this.

OP posts:
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beyondthesky · 03/07/2018 08:56

Allow yourself to have these conflicting memories. He was a three dimensional person with all his faults and flaws like the rest of us.

I think I will feel similarly when my DF goes and i also suspect my DM will also only remember the good so Let her have her rose-tinted memories.

It's very early days for you so don't beat yourself up about feeling like this. You can let it all out on here.

ThanksThanks

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ForgivenessIsDivine · 03/07/2018 09:03

Talk to your children about this and apologise for hitting them. I think your mother would find such a conversation difficult. Perhaps acknowledge her loss but gently move away from conversations that sanctify your father.

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Poudrenez · 03/07/2018 11:09

A hand hold from me, OP. You're remembering the whole of your Dad, so of course you'll have conflicting emotions. I wonder if your mum is too, but doesn't feel that she can 'speak ill of the dead'?

My DF is about to die of dementia, I'm going through something similar, anger at his failings, looking forward to the relief of his death, but sadness too as there were good times. Flowers

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DaughterNo1 · 03/07/2018 11:28

Thanks everyone.

Sorry Poudrenez to hear about your own dad.

My dad had a very tough upbringing (abject poverty in the 1930s) and in a totally detached way I can see he had some 'issues' around his own self esteem and lack of confidence (he lost his own dad when he was 8.)

I know he did his best for me and that he was a good man. But he was black and white with some very strong views.

In the last years of his life his opinions became more extreme and I 'lost' him long before he died.

Also, living so far away with my own kids and my work, I'd see him only for a few days maybe 3-4 times a year. (He'd never come to us even when he was fit and younger.)

He also used to confide in me at the stage when him and my mum almost split up. He said very 'cruel' things about her- that she was a narcissist, overly emotional, hated her own family , he'd married too young, wanted to leave her and live in a caravan...

and at the same time she would phone me and offload about him. Dad and I were more similar in our personalities and interests and she'd accuse me of never seeing a fault in him (not true.)

This was 20 years ago and they muddled on. Mum got a social life of her own without him, and they made the best of it.

But now, you'd think all that had never happened. She's in an awful state with the finances because he handled them all ( controlling and didn't think she could or should do anything with money) so I'm managing things for her, 300 miles away.

I'm sorry if this is detailed but I've spent 3 weeks staying with her (split into 2 trips) and it's been so hard to keep my mouth shut when her grief seems disassociated from what their lives were really like. I also feel a bit of a fraud because people seem to expect me to be crying all over the place, but as from the age of 21 when I left the area, dad and I weren't emotionally close.

OP posts:
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ForgivenessIsDivine · 03/07/2018 13:12

I think you have quite some insight into your own feelings and those of your parents. Difficult as it is, the fact that you can name and identify your feelings and get them out, is a great thing, keep talking!! If you cannot talk to your mother about it, which it sounds like that is the case at this time, keep a diary, keep posting on here or find a counsellor who can help you through this. Grieve how it feels right for you, you can feel grief for the dad who did fix your car and the Dad who shared some the same interestes as you, in the same way that you can see him for the whole and flawed human that he was. Your mother's grief may have many levels too and she might not be able to talk to you about it as she might not be able to recognise and name her feelings. She may also feel that you saw a different side of her husband than she did and cannot share that with you. You are a kind hearted daughter to save her from the thoughts you want to share. Maybe one day when things are less raw, you may be able to. For now, I hope your mother finds some freedom and doesn't get stiffled by the constraints of the financial responsibilities that are new to her and a misplaced sense of having to continue the life her husband lived when it was not the life she wanted.

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