Can I offload?
Dad died 6 weeks ago in his early 90s. He'd had dementia and had gone downhill over 3 years.
I'm struggling with a few things. First is that as I live 5 hrs away from my parents, I didn't see him much in the last few months before he died and never had the 'final' conversation to thank him for all he'd done for me. When I did see him last, he'd become unconscious (for 3 days before he died.)
The other thing is although on balance he was a good father, he was also quite tyrannical at times and very selfish. I am trying to support my mum (they were married almost 70 years) but she seems to forget his nasty side.
On the one hand he'd help anyone (neighbours and anyone in need) but on the other he'd be very selfish at home and with mum.
Example: I moved away after uni ( 40 years ago) and I can count on one hand the times he came to stay. He said he would be bored, so mum would come on her own (till she was in her 80s then she lost confidence to travel.)
She was desperate for a family Christmas each year, and for all kinds of reasons it made sense for them to come to us ( my younger bother would drive) but dad only did this once . He just refused and said he didn't want to. We all accepted it as his quirk but looking back it was selfish. Mum used to allow him to dominate.
There were other things over the years- very controlling when I was a teen, not allowing me out much, then when I had DCs and he was staying here ( a rare thing) he smacked one of my DCs really hard and was aggressive towards them. He used to encourage me to be harsh and take control. As a new parent myself I used to think dad knew best, and did smack my DC at times, which I deeply regret now.
He also never used to buy my mum decent presents for her birthday or Xmas and this used to really hurt her. He made no effort some of the time.
The point is, now he has died, mum is behaving as if he were a saint. She seems to have forgotten all the bad stuff, and how they were talking of divorce when he was 70, but it was only lack of money that stopped them.
When he was ill, she devoted herself to his care single handed, until she was almost worn out.
I find my emotions are all over the place. I miss the dad who rebuilt my first car for me when it fell apart, and who helped me with my homework, but I don't miss the dad who smacked my DCs or refused to visit us because 'he'd miss his garden' ( for 2 days!!)
I just need to say this.
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Bereavement
Dad died- conflicting emotions- hand hold?
5 replies
DaughterNo1 · 03/07/2018 07:50
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