Can I have a brief handhold? Sister died a year ago

[Whereismumhiding2]

At 5:45pm this day last year my wonderful sister died. Just us two sisters.
It was 9 weeks after she was first diagnosed with bone cancer in her right thigh bone, out of the blue. It had a great prognosis. She had the operation, thigh bone replaced with titanium rod, hip replaced. She never got to go home as her breathing started to go 3 weeks post op. It turned out to be shockingly aggressive cancer and wiped out her lungs, even her consultant was taken by surprise. She was given 3-6 months, she & I thought hey she's so tough and fighting fit, she'll be 1-2 years & I eas desperately arranging CHC, oxygen and hospital bed & care support (tho mum and me would do most of day and night care) for her to come down to spend her last months at my house overlooking garden surrounded by my DC and DParents (who'd stay with me). But she died 2 weeks 2 days later in a hospice she barely made the journey to. I am devastated still to lose her and so unexlectregly and gutted for her. I've barely kept it together the last year and today is the tsunami of grief all over again. Had my earphones in listening to Ella Henderson all day in the office to keep me going.

[Whereismumhiding2]

Sorry about the mistypes and no paragraphs, it saved before I had finished, trying to see through watered up eyes!

[Somewhereovertheroad]

I am so sorry. That is such a difficult thing to deal with. Have you had any counselling?

[Awrite]

Oh, you poor thing.

One year is a hard anniversary. With my brother, his birthdays have been the toughest, especially a recent 'big' one.

No wise words. It might not feel like it is getting easier but I hope it isn't getting harder.

[bimbambom]

I'm so very very sorry. I know everyone is different but I try and think of really lovely and silly memories and then have a full on snot faced cry and it helps a little.

[rainbowruthie]

I am so sorry for your loss and pleased to be able to offer a hand hold to you on this difficult first anniversary

[MistressDeeCee]

Hello OP.

The 1 year stage is so difficult. I hope you'll feel better soon.

I lost my brother 3 years ago. There are still times when I hear songs he loved, and my stomach churns. But I think it does get easier.

He is no longer ill and in pain, and I'm glad.

Talking on here helped me such a lot.

You'll get thru. We do, don't we? I have no wise words either but, thinking of you

[EveningHare]

can't imagine where you are at the mo OP, sending you hugs and love xx

[ParkheadParadise]

Sorry for your loss Whereismumhiding2
The first year after my dd1 died was the hard to deal with Birthdays, Christmas. Have you thought about counselling?

[Whereismumhiding2]

Thankyou all. I laughed at @bimbambom's "snot faced cry" comment! Definitely not my best look when driving my car towards home before I collect kids !

I appreciate the handhold xxxxx I don't want to upset my lovely friends and family, they all knew my sister and feel her loss too. Sis and I were so close, we are 15 months apart, she died aged 47. I'm the secretly angry one underneath it all, so I don't talk much incase I let loose a gut scream I can't stop.

I haven't gone for counselling. Work offer 6 weeks through employer support line. So it's an option. I guess I've just been taking one step at a time, thinking this pain is normal. I feel humbled to read those sharing , thankyou xxxx. As you've been through it too.

My job is about dealing with very ill, and sometimes dying, people every week, but it is different when it's your family. It doesn't make it easier as I can't step back.
I'm feeling every sad situation I deal with at work and have been all year.

I'm emotionally wraught underneath but still able to do my job well & with empathy. I'm scared of coming up empty though.

[Whereismumhiding2]

I want to answer each one of you and say I'm so sad for your terrible losses too xxxxx
I'm not going to try to do it individually, sorry as it will make me cry more and might make you cry too XXX But sending love and hugs back xxx

[Whereismumhiding2]

I can see from.PP that anniversaries are hard, which I expected in my head but wasn't as ready for emotionally as I thought I would be.

I'm wondering what helped you in each of your different ways? So that I can make a plan . I do like a plan as it feels like I'm doing something, even if I'm not.

Any ideas would be appreciated, anything practical, heartful or downright silly even.

[OpalIridescence]

I am so sorry. I cannot imagine how utterly hard and unfair life must have felt to you from diagnosis to today.

I can't offer anything except to say so sorry and I am thinking of you and your sister

[ParkheadParadise]

@Whereismumhiding2
Nothing really helps unfortunately you just learn to live with it. After the first anniversary which I didn't cope with I spent the day in bed with the duvet over my head 😔. Last year on her 2nd anniversary we went to the cemetery with flowers then went out for lunch with my DH and siblings. We speak about dd1 a lot which I find comfort in, I always fear she will be forgotten about.
Have you special memories of your sister?

[user1471453601]

OP, the first year anniversary of my Mums death was so much worse for me than the day she died and worse than the day of her funeral. In both those cases, I was so aware of how others (DD, Dsis, DNeice,DNephew etc)were feeling, and how I needed to help them all through it. On the anniversary, however, I just went to pieces. In retrospect, I think that was good for me, and I hope it will be good for you

[doodlejump1980]

I am so sorry for your loss. The firsts are the worst. I lost my sister 21 years ago, she was 18, I was 17 to meningitis. It’s the suddenness that still gets me and 21 years on, I wish I’d had counselling.
Have you thought of making a memory book for your kids of their Auntie? My kids (twins) are 3 and never knew their Auntie, I’m going to do them a book for when they’re older.
I buy a plant for my garden around her birthday, so each year they’re flowering and give me a little smile. Do you have a faith you can get comfort from?
Be kind to yourself, have a cry. One year is nothing, it’ll still be very raw... but it does get easier.

[MaybeDoctor]

Grief is a horrible thing. Be very, very gentle on yourself and don’t be surprised if you act in ways that are out of character for you.

It never goes completely but my own grief has softened with time.

[Verbena87]

I’m lucky not to have experienced a loss this crushing (handhold, and also a massive gin & tonic if that’s your thing?), but I have had 6 weeks of weekly counselling sessions when I was in a dark place and it’s definitely enough to make a massive difference, so might be worth taking that up? I don’t think there’s anything unusual in your grief, but I do think talking therapy can help navigate life when it’s hard, even when you’re sad and angry as a reasonable human response, rather than being mentally ill.

Good luck getting through what’s left of the day x

[Awrite]

What helps is knowing that the 'walking through treakle' pain which hits you like a sledgehammer will pass in a few days. You can't bring it forward, make it shorter or make it easier. In a way, I don't want to because it is my link to him.

It does pass though and life returns to being liveable.

[DaisysStew]

I’m so sorry OP I lost my sister 7 years ago aged 25. Only 20 months between us and we’d been best friends since birth.

The hardest thing is the memories. Every childhood memory I have includes my sister and it’s so tough.

Give yourself time - the first year anniversary is so hard. I think for me it really just hit home that she was actually gone.

[Whereismumhiding2]

Om gosh, I just read through all of those above and had so many thoughts.
Thankyou XXX

@DaisysStew, that's so young, me too, every single childhood memory was me and my sis. She has dark brown hair and me blonde, but we were almost twins in how alike we were and we did everything together. Different characters though, she was sensible one, I was a tinker. She kept me in line all.my life and though it became a joke and not needed, I miss that lecturing in why i'd bought the wrong kettle!

[LadyWithLapdog]

I'm so sorry, just unimaginable grief 💐

[Whereismumhiding2]

I said I wouldn't so this, as actually everyone's
story is sad and you are all sharing to help me, with your experiences and I really thankyou all xxxx I am reading them all and listenning, feeling less alone and that you good folks understand where I am at the moment, and have survived it or are living through it too xxxx walking together xx

But I have to say @ParkheadParadise
I'm so sorry. I was gutted to lose my sister, losing a wonderful daughter is something else entirely, I just wanted to send my love.
I'm.sorry if I am clumsy saying that.

[Whereismumhiding2]

What was the memories you loved the most that kept you going? Mine favourite memories and I have so many, is that my youngest daughter was my sister's shadow, she was very much 'her baby' & they were totally inseparable. My daughter even insisted on sleeping in same bed as her auntie whenever sis stayed , poor sis never got much sleep here the weeks she stayed as DD2 is such a nightime fidget!

@Verbena87 g&t handhold is fab XXX

[Harrykanesrightsock]

I’m so sorry. I lost my big sis 5 years ago. It does become easier but at times it still takes my breath away. I am a different person since she’s gone. It’s so hard and I feel for you x

[Whereismumhiding2]

I've been thinking about what pp have said, walking through treacle describes it well, but also a poster described her experience that she didn't want the pain to stop as it reminded her of her lost loved one (?brother).

That's it exactly.

The pain I wake up with each day keeps my sister close. I think I don't want to let her go, and the pain that comes with it, as what would that mean?