A colleague of mine lost her son a year ago and I'm quite shocked at the reaction of other colleagues who are supposed to be her "friends".

[sandyballs]

Her son, who was 25 and had some trouble with drugs, hung himself a year ago this week. His mum found him in his flat after failing to get hold of him all that weekend.
Everyone I work with was very very sympathetic and she had several weeks off work. However, when she came back everyone seemed to think she should have "got over it", "should have moved on".

She invited some people to mark the first anniversary of his death by attending their local church to hear a mass being said for him. No-one went and I overhead them talking about it today, thinking how odd it was that she should want to "rake it all up again" and how she should "put it to a corner of her mind and start living again". These are just a few of the comments I've been hearing .

The poor woman is a shadow of the person she used to be. I'm not particularly friendly with her, just know her on a work basis, but some of these people who are saying this are close mates, allegedly.

I was just sitting here thinking about it and wondering why they feel she can get over the loss of her son like someone would get over losing a handbag, or a cat. Some of these people don't have children, some do.

[ProjectIcarus]

That is really sad. Do you think these folks think because of the trouble and the suicide she should not be sad? She is probably grieving for the loss of her son twice over he is gone and the man he could have been gone also.

[sandyballs]

Maybe that is the case. I also get the impression from them that because he was a man and not a small child, then her loss isn't as great.

[poppy34]

sandy thats dreadful - you don't get over somethign like that . you just learn to live with it so the idea of the mass would seem quite natural esp if she is religious. Are you able to go?


To lose any child is dreadful but there must be a particular horror for her with the circumstances (wondering what she could have done etc) so the raking up etc comments are just daft (as if a day goes by where she doesnt think of him)


People are so cruel sometimes - she is lucky to work with someone as sensitive as you sandy

[sandyballs]

I wasn't invited to the mass as i don't really know her that well. I would have gone though.

I wonder if it's a kind of embarrassment with them, as though they can't face the thought of her being sad or crying in their company, so their 'pull yourself together' attitude reflects that.

If they were generally nasty, bitchy people I would understand it more, but they aren't so I find their lack of sympathy and understanding with this very odd.

[nogoes]

That is really sad . Horrible people.

[lulumama]

i think maybe a combination of not wanting to deal with her grief..of not being able to envisage how awful it must be, not only to lose a child, but a self inflicted death....maybe they feel she is not supposed to grieve as much? how odd to expect her to forget his passing, and not wish to commemorate his life..can you take her for lunch, show her there are still compassionate people in the world?

[triplets]

Hi,
How awful for her, but sadly this is common, I should know. My son died 13 yrs ago this Sat 2nd June, he was 14. You get lots of sympathy in the first weeks, months. Then when the first year has painfully passed you are left alone. I remember bumping into a very good friend on the second Christmas morning without Matthew. Christmas, we had gone to the cemetery with flowers and his card and made him a little tree, came home with a heart that felt as though it was going to burst with sadness and pain, our only child gone from our lives. My friend saw us and asked why we were crying. I said we had just been to the cemetery. She looked amazed and said, "oh you still feel like that, its been over a year"! Well I can tell you its been 13 years this Sat, and yes I dont cry often now, but I only have to close my eyes, see his lovely face, hear him say, "hi Mum its only me", and my heart is broken. The most important thing you can do for your friend is to ask how she is, dont be afraid to talk about her son, cards mean alot, sadly now I might recieve one card for Matthew on Sat, and that is from another bereaved mum who in fact I have never met. Poor poor lady. xxx

[SallyAllbright]

sandy - that is shocking. I can't imagine ever getting over the loss of a child. Poor woman. I only know how hard my DH finds the anniversary of his father's death - I can only imagine that losing a child is a hundred times worse.

triplets - I am very sorry for your loss.

[fryalot]

[kate100]

This is very sad I cannot begin to imagine hiw this poor lady must feel. Even if you are not particularly close to her, you could let her know that you have been thinking of her, I'm sure she would appreciate it.

Triplets - so very sorry for your loss, I'm sure people here will be thinking of you on Saturday, I know I will be.

[hazygirl]

hi i know how horrible it is and know exactly how your collegue feels six months ago tomorrow i lost my only grandson,my daughter lost her son, and no one understands how it feels unless they have been there . he wnt to sleep and never woke up again i used to have lots of friends the house was always busy ,we laughed ,now everything has changed. some friends say to my partner we should be getting on with life again and stop been miserable its not what my grandson would want ,my in laws want to pretend he was never here they only saw him once anyway,i think for five minutes anyway ,the house is quiet now a couple of friends ring or call round when they can ,i wish i could be the same as before sorry for long posting

[ghosty]

Sandyballs ... your poor friend (and hello to triplets, what a lovely post {{{{{hugs}}}}})

My best friend lost her dad in the same way at Christmas and watching her go through what she has been through has been terrible ... I don't know how she can ever get over it. She is so strong and so together but at times she just crumbles. I think what is particularly hard for her is when she thinks about the circumstances in which he died. It is something she says she will never 'get over' ... she is heartbroken. She finds people's attitudes very hard, even her DP recently said, "It's been 5 months, surely you feel better about it now" .
Although she gets on with her life, bringing up her children, caring for her DP and supporting his demanding job, it has been heartbreaking to watch her pain. It is literally etched on her face. It is one of the reasons I stayed in NZ for longer, so I could be there for her ....
Anyway, I think you are obviously a thoughtful colleague and perhaps when you hear comments like this you should say something to the other people you work with?

[ggglimpopo]

I think you get sadder and sadder as the numb shock wears off and you realise that this is it. You stop waiting to wake up and realise that you are living the nightmare.

Could you send her a card Sandy, she needs to know that someone else remembers and someone cares.

The suicide of a much loved child, of whatever age, must be unbearable.

[ghosty]

Huge, gigantic hug for ggg {{{{{{{{{{{{}}}}}}}} all the way from Australia xxxxxxxx

[ggglimpopo]

Without going into detail, things are very hard here and we are struggling. Please do send her a card Sandyballs.

[hazygirl]

hi ggg i hope things are ok cards do mean a lot ,dont they. i am new on this and hope u r ok.

[PissyGalore]

lots of love to all of you grieving - however long or short a time ago it happened. my heart goes out to you.

my sister is a wreck for the whole of may every year since a good friend killed himself a few years ago... this 'pull yourself together' attitude is very unkind and ignorant.

i hope you all feel a little less alone in your grief. i know it can be a painfully isolating experience.

[potoftea]

I have tears in my eyes reading this thread. How people can cope with the loss of a young person I just don't know.

Triplets, your "friend" stuns me. How she could be so out of touch with normal parental feelings is unbelieveable. Most people think of past loved ones at Christmas, and thankfully for most of us it is a parent who had lived a long life that we now mourn.
But to have the pain of such a loss everyday, my heart goes out to you, and wishing you peace on June 2nd especially.

[edam]

GGG, very sorry to hear that. WIshing you... I don't know the right words, but good things anyway.

Sandy, that is terrible. Agree would be nice to tell her you are thinking of her and recognise her loss, even if you don't know her that well.

[tigerschick]

I am so lucky. I think this every day as I know how few people I have lost.

I am also so in awe of people who manage to keep living their lives after the loss of someone so close to them. My heart goes out to you all.

Sandy, just because she isn't a close friend doesn't mean she can't become a closer one. I really think she would appreciate some gesture, a card or a word, just to show that you care, even if others apparently don't.

[zeebee]

Sandy, you are very thoughtful, please do find some way to acknowledge the anniversary and her son's life. A card or maybe a simple bunch of flowers would be enough. I don't think you have to be close to the person at all to respond this way. The loss of a child affects all parents deeply and a practical demonstration of this, such as sending a card, will, at some level, be a 'comfort' your colleague. It is also so important that she doesn't feel that her son has been forgotten and shouldn't be mentioned. Poor woman.

[WK007]

That's horrible, the way they're treating her - and am really at the ones with kids, they should have some sympathy even if no-one else does!!! Granted she hasn't lost a small child but in a way she's lost a grown-up son and a teenager and a small child, because she won't be able to look back on any happy memories without that feeling of loss.

Anyone with kids that can't understand that needs their heads testing.

[lazyemma]

did you say anything to them? To be honest, I couldn't not say anything in that situation, I'm absolutely appalled at their lack of feeling.

[triplets]

Hello everyone,
I just wanted to say thank you to you all for your lovely messages. I was up early, couldnt sleep. We will go to the cemetery this morning and then try to have a "normal" day for the sake of my trio. They speak about Matthew alot, and Rebecca is very thoughtful, she will come down this morning and put her arm around me and say, "poor Mama". I dont want them to be living under a cloud, I feel as though I have a big black cloud over me all the time, its not fair on them, they are only nine. I had a horrid day on Thurs, too long to tell, but we now are all about to go down the road of genetic testing/ dna testing. I know its something I have got to do for the childrens sake, but half of me is afraid, it is going to bring everything back up,but I will have to face it. Hope you and your friend have been in touch Sandyballs. Love to you, ggg xxx
Hazygirl, I would like to talk to you more about your grandson if I may, you can cat me on here if you want to. xxxx

[gess]

I remember a grief/bereavement counsellor I was seeing saying that people expect you to get over bereavement within a year, and they are stunned when it goes on for longer. Really they have no idea.