Loneliness

[Ellafruit]

My husband died 2 years ago (suicide, pretty horrific). I’m so lonely. Feel like I should be getting over it now and building a new life but the reality is life as a single mum is restrictive. I have a young DS and work full time. Don’t have any family nearby. Don’t have many (any?) close friends I can truly be myself with. I end up feeling more lonely being with people I can’t be myself with. I don’t have the kinds of friendship where we call each other. Sometimes I call my dad and he’s fairly supportive but will often say things like ‘have you talked enough now or do you need to talk some more?’ which makes me feel needy and like I’m taking up too much of his time.

I’m constantly weighing up which is worse - to hold all of this loneliness by myself, or to deal with sharing then feeling needy, boring etc.

I want to go on and on about how much this sucks and how alone and trapped inside my own head I feel. I fear boring people though. I feel like people get uncomfortable with me, wanting to fix me or suggest things to do which still don’t solve the awful loneliness of this life I’ve ended up in. Sometimes I think maybe I just need to learn to accept it all, sit with the feelings but at times it’s so so painful.

I can’t think of a single thing to do that will distract me enough. I can’t concentrate on reading. I can’t get lost in tv/film dramas like I used to. I end up going to bed soon after my son just to sleep and get away from the silence and the feelings.

Feel pathetic now. I think most of the time I’m fairly okay but sometimes it all feels too overwhelmingly sad and lonely to bear. I saw my therapist today and said a lot of this, and just feel even lonelier now. Sometimes speaking it out loud seems to make it feel more intense and now I don’t know what to do with myself.

[Yorkshirebornandbread]

Hi Ellafruit - sorry to hear what a difficult time you are having. It seems maybe that people are expecting you to somehow move on, but you are stuck somehow. Do you think people are scared that by talking you will get more upset and they don't want to cause you any more pain than you are already in? I haven't any direct experience of suicide within my family but a very close friend committed suicide last year and I can honestly say that is the worst thing I've ever had to deal with. I don't think I'll ever get over it, and it's not surprising you feel so lonely and overwhelmed. Are there any support groups you can join, either locally or online, to talk to others who've been through it. PM me if you want, I'm always happy to listen if ever you want to unload xx

[endofthelinefinally]

Do you know about WAY (Widowed And Young) OP?
CRUSE?

[Kernowgal]

You absolutely aren't pathetic, and two years is really not very long at all. I haven't got any helpful suggestions other than to cut yourself some slack - you've been through a horrific experience and even with a therapist's help it'll take a long while to come to terms with it.

I lost my mum recently and although her death was expected, the hardest thing has been losing the one person I was closest to. My dad doesn't do chatting; my brother is a bit more chatty but I used to have nightly phone calls with mum in her last few months and now there's nothing. I don't chat with friends on the phone either, much prefer face to face. I would second getting in touch with the groups/organisations that endofthelinefinally mentions above.

[endofthelinefinally]

Oh Ellafruit.
2 years is nothing.
I lost my grown up son less than 2 years ago. I cry every single day. My concentration is terrible. I can't even contemplate tidying his room or sorting out his things. I just get through each day as best I can.
The way you are feeling is normal.
The only thing that gets me through is the support of other bereaved parents and one or two family members.
Everyone else has moved on.
I wish I had more ideas but IME support groups do help.

[Becky11]

Hi Ellafruit

Couldn't read your message without trying to offer some help.

My husband died 3 years ago and I am so grateful that I had the hospice group. Can you check out your local hospice and ask if they have a parent group you can join. I am not a 'group meeting' person, but have made some amazing friends and we see each other regularly with and without our little munchkins. We are in Surrey, so if you are in this part of the country, you are very welcome to join us.

Also WAY - Widowed and Young. They do outings with kids at the weekend, etc. and you can just join in those that appeal to you.

It does get easier I promise.

PM me if I can help

[Ellafruit1]

Thanks everyone x

I was a bit embarrassed I’d posted this so withdrew and deleted my account but braved looking again and grateful for your support.

I did join my local WAY but honestly I just felt so different to everyone there. There’s something so distinctive about a suicide and the raging anger that goes with it compared to things like car crashes and cancer. I just felt like I couldn’t connect with people who had such a different experience of bereavement. Settings like that just make me feel even more alone. Even 2 yrs on I just feel so angry about what my husband did. Cruse weren’t helpful at all - I called them quite early on and their response was basically call us in 6 months time when you’ve had time to process and then we’ll put you on a waiting list for counselling. So I got my own counselling sorted through work initially then carried on with it myself.

I got in touch with SOBs too before anyone mentions that one! The lady on the phone rattled on and on about her son’s suicide and there was no space for me or my feelings, I just couldn’t face calling again. I’m not sure I want to sit in a room of suicide widows week after week anyway, I’m depressed enough listening to my own head let alone everyone else’s!

I probably sound awful and mean. I think I still just don’t have any energy for other people’s stuff right now which is why I end up alone, and I can live with that most of the time but sometimes I have days like I had last week where the loneliness aches so much it makes my body hurt.

[ShesSoUnusual]

Hi Ella. I'm sorry life is so tough for you now. I don't have any advice to offer but I wanted to reach out to you and to wish you and your DC strength and happiness going forward. Things change and move on regardless eventually, because nothing ever stays the same. This feeling will change in time too.

[BonApp]

Ella my dad died a few weeks ago (cancer) which I know is totally different to your situation but what I’m realizing is that grief is oh so individual. I have traveled various websites and forums looking for some who feels exactly the same as me. But of course no one feels the same, their circumstances differ, their lives are different with other dynamics.

I guess it’s a way of attempting to make sense of a senseless situation, but more than once with this grief I’ve thought “where do I go with it?”. It feels like dead end after dead end. I dont want to talk to people about my dad, I don’t want to know how sad or upset they are, maybe it’s denial and sure it’s v selfish, but I am just not interested in how other people feel.

So I can see why you don’t want to hang out with other people in similar situations.

I have no real advice or anything useful to say to you. And maybe you don’t want sympathy but my god you are in a heart-achingly sad situation. And it’s really no wonder you have limited energy.

I hope you can find some strength and fun soon.

[Ellafruit1]

Yes that really resonates re grief being so individual. I think it can often feel like no one else’s grief matches our own, because we feel the intensity and emotional attachment of our own grief but not anyone else’s. Yes probably selfish too!!

It helps just to know that people care and to be reminded feelings pass, and that my situation can look as bad from the outside as it does from the inside... crap but it’s validating somehow!

I’m applying for a new job today (same company, different role) and having to say that I can’t travel a lot because I have minimal support network around me... which the hiring manager has said will influence their decision about who to hire... things like that make me feel so trapped!

I guess as my son makes friends at school and I meet more mums (he’s in reception) my support network might expand a bit soon. Slow work as I’m only at the school gate once a week.

[BonApp]

It does sound terribly hard, it must take an inordinate amount of effort to keep everything together day to day in both a practical and emotional sense.

It sounds like you are getting ready to break free from some of it though. Trust yourself to move forward at a pace that you can cope with. Intuition is important and should not be underestimated - ie if you’ll know if you feel ready to invite a school Mum to go for coffee, or get involved with a fb/WhatsApp school group

I don’t think this will be your life for forever, better things will come but maybe you’ve not been ready yet?

[Ellafruit1]

Thank you for your encouragement BonApp, it means a lot :)

[endofthelinefinally]

Not the same I know, but when my friend's husband left her, out of the blue and no warning, she was in dire straits with no child care. She found a lovely au pair who helped with the school run and it just made things a little easier.
Sorry if that doesn't come across right.
I have been affected by suicide. It is a very hard kind of bereavement to talk about.

[liaghloo]

Hi OP. Just read your message now and can completely relate. My husband died also from suicide just two years ago and I have 2 DC. What can I say.... it is hell, I know. I have more or less come to the conclusion I must just carry on and live with it. The pain and grief has definitely eased off for me since the first year and a half. Time is what helped. There are days it can hit me hard still but it passes. It's a lonely and sad position to be in and everyone else gets on with there lives after awhile. I find counseling a big help but mainly for me time has helped the most

[Lindy2]

I'm so sorry for your loss.
As others have said 2 years is really not all that long at all especially when I expect a lot of your time and energy goes on caring for your young son rather than having time for yourself.
Are there any specific suicide support groups or even groups for single parents that would give you a chance to meet other people that you can talk to?